.jpg)
The "quacking" duck Photo by M. Gwynn 2009
Romance, passion, overwhelming feelings of love and tenderness coupled with touches, kisses, moans, and pleasure galore; that is generally what most people think of when they think of good sex. Everyone wants it to be perfect, whether it’s romantically perfect or freaky perfect. But what about all those odd things that can happen during “the do”? You know what I mean, those embarrassing happenstances that make a mockery of your best impression of sex-godliness!
My friends and I have had these conversations over and over (male and female alike). They usually end in fits of laughter. So let’s explore the worst possible scenarios that could ruin a perfect night (or day) of tempestuous love-making.
The toe cramp – This has happened to me more than once. I think I may need to up my calcium intake! Nothing is worse than finding your groove with your guy and all of sudden, your calf cramps and your toes spread out like a monkey! It hurts like the dickens. You could grab bananas with toes like that. Sadly, you have to stop, massage the calf until the cramp goes away, and then start all over again with an eye to monitoring those toes in hopes of preventing it from happening again. Spread eagle toes are not sexy!
The headboard bang – This could also be termed “the wall banger” as it depends on whether or not you have a headboard on your bed. This would be the TKO a woman receives when her zealous lover “bounces” her a little too hard and she bangs her head on the headboard or wall. The hairy goose egg that springs up from this head trauma is just not sexy either. It’s also heck to explain to others who see you the next day and wonder where you got the knock on your noggin.
The pube pull – Not to be confused with a tractor pull, this happens when a couple is so psyched about having each other that they fail to take their clothes completely off. The problem with this is zippers! Either he or she gets their, uh, hair(s) caught in the teeth of the zipper resulting in that painful hair pull which eventually just rips the hair out by its root. Ouch!!!
The duck – This would be that unintentional “quack” of air escaping from anywhere in the body during sex. Remember that episode of Sex in the City where Carrie Bradshaw accidentally passed gas while in bed with Mr. Big? That’s one example of “the duck”. No one wants to quack in bed. It’s mortifying!
The sneezing duck combo - Not much need for explanation here. You sneeze, then "quack" (In England, they "quock"; uppity british ducks!) right in the middle of it all.
The red eye express – Does this one really need an explanation? Some things just don’t belong in one’s eye. Next time, dodge right!
The stomach growl – Now, I’m not talking about a mild tummy gurgle. I’m talking about that loud, demanding Lion King roar that scares the be-Jesus out of your partner. Eat much lately? Sex should never be attempted on an empty stomach. A growl like that might freak out your lover and have him or her thinking you plan to devour them afterwards like a female mantis. Ever see what the female mantis does to her mate after sex? She eats his head off, then steadily noshes her was through his body. When she’s done, there’s no evidence that Jerome was ever there.
Anyone have any others they’d like to add to the list? Drop a comment here.
If you liked this article, you may also enjoy "Fitting a square peg in a round hole: Oddly shaped boy-parts" by examiner Kate White
Follow me on Twitter @ MicheleGSASexam
All articles by Michele Gwynn are under copyright and cannot be reposted without permission from the author. For permission, please email megwynn@msn.com.
Comments
Michele, you cracked me up! TKO! Love it.
I've heard bananas (eating them, just to be clear) help with potassium intake and therefore, canceling out odd cramping. I haven't tried that though.
I definitely think one of us, or both, needs to write about the mortifying question and answer of, "Is it in?" "Yes. Can't you tell?" (Obviously not...no.) That's horrific and goes along with "When Sex Isn't Quite so Sexy."
Great article! You're my newest (to me) favorite examiner!
Thanks, Kate! I love your stuff too. Yes, we should both write about that. Sad when it happens, and takes the skills of a true diplomat to get to the answer. I believe it takes the seasoning of born politician to smooth the ruffled feathers a question like that would cause. Perhaps we could call it "Sexual Politics" and find out how the men and women from our areas handle these issues! Let the debates begin!
Hilarious! Thanks for the reminder of all that can go wrong during sex... ;)
You left off the sexy chest fart sound made from chests slapping together. I also had my hip lock up on me and ended up hopping around trying to do roundhouse kicks to unlock the damn thing. Aging sucks.
Got something to say?
Examiner.com is looking for writers, photographers, and videographers to join the fastest growing group of local insiders. If you are interested in growing your online rep apply to be an Examiner today!