Have you ever seen a couple eating dinner at a restaurant that looked frozen in time? They lacked any zest for life and yet were just going through the motions in their relationship. Perhaps they stayed in this agonizing relationship due to their religion, culture or small children. When you notice them it is as if all the life has been sucked out of their souls.
Next, you over hear glimpses of conversation about the weather or food in a flat unemotional tone. It is obvious that the love has died long ago yet they pretend as if they are still in a relationship. Why is it that joy seems to be missing from so many relationships?
One reason can be if you married a fault finder. This personality type can find fault on a cruise to Greece while overlooking stunning ocean views. The problem is the other mate also has a role in losing all joy with a fault finder personality type.
Joy is a choice in life and one can choose to not be affected by a complaining fault finder. Tom complained about the price of alcohol on the cruise. Next, he complained about having to be seated at the last dinner seating since it resulted in heartburn with the late evening hours.
Julie suffered from being a pleaser and found it hard to enjoy her cruise when Tom was always complaining. One problem with a pleaser personality type is that she always thinks everything is her fault. Julie allowed Tom to suck all the joy out of her vacation.
Fault Finders make joy virtually non-existent in relationships. Negative emotions such as jealousy, anger, fear, greed, hatred and revenge will suck all the joy out of one’s relationship. Julie missed the preponderance of negative emotions when she married Tom. Her strong infatuation and strong physical connection masked all Tom’s fault finding.
A fault finder often has a strong ego as well. Tom already suffers from a big ego and thinks he is the most important person in the room. His high salary causes him to feel as if only his concerns matter. A big ego partner will always kill joy in any relationship. The ego feels as if “Tom” is the only one that matters in the relationship.
If you find joy missing in your relationship then look around to assess if you are married to a fault finder. More often than not you grew up with a parent like this and do not even recognize the trait. It just seems "normal” to your cognitive schema.
If you examined your family of origin- did it have more or less joy then you currently have in your relationship? A joyless relationship can be socially modeled as well.
Julie needs to take control of her own happiness and joy. When Tom complains about the price of his rum and coke,she can just respond in a different manner. Julie needs to not match his negative energy and rise above it.
We cannot change how our mate responds but by responding differently we can change the whole picture. Unfortunately, too many people get caught up in this vicious cycle and fall prey to a joyless relationship.
Joy is a choice! Choose joy!
Don’t allow a fault finder to bring you down to his level!