Dear Deborrah:
My name is Maria. I moved up to San Francisco from the San Fernando Valley a few months ago. I am 33 years old and have just got into a relationship.
Things are moving very fast in my eye. We are seeing each other on weekends and now once a week as well. I have only been in two relationships in my past hence I am not very experienced. Being 33 years old I feel I am under pressure with sex. He is not pressuring me into sex, he had told me he will wait.
I really like this guy, I just don't want to lose him.
A part of me wants to sleep with him and a part of me does not. I seem to be feeling insecure, then when I see him, I feel so comfortable and reassured things are going well.
I was hoping you could give me some advice on how to establish this relationship and build it stronger. I don't want to push him away. I am afraid that I will.
My friends are telling me that everything is fine. I guess since I have been hurt too many times, I am afraid of being hurt again. I really would like to make this work.
Signed,
Maria Confused
Dear Maria:
First thing you need to do is get out of the past and stay in the present.
Everyone has been hurt Maria. That is no excuse to hang onto a bunch of ancient history and fears because they will merely prevent you from finding love again. Remember, THIS GUY did not do those things to you! THIS GUY should not be punished for the crimes committed by other men. And that is what you would be doing if you keep thinking about past hurts instead of present joy.
If you aren't ready to sleep with him, then don't sleep with him. I always advise that a woman date a man at least 8-10 times before sexual activity enters the picture. If you haven't been out with him at least 8 to 10 times, you are worrying for nothing.
Secondly, all you have to do is tell him that your moral code mandates that sex be a part of a committed relationship because you don't take sex lightly and there is nothing about it that is casual for you.
Tell him how much it means to you to share your body with a man, and that sex and love go hand in hand. He'll understand that you are the kind of woman that requires he step his game up and invest emotions before any sexual activity happens.
Be open and honest with him because you have nothing to lose. Good relationships are built on communication - open, honest, 100% real communication. You have nothing to lose because you barely know the guy, so tell the man what is on your mind. You never know, he might be very impressed or relieved to hear it. Believe it or not, guys get tired of sexual pressure on them as well and sometimes just want to relax, have fun with, and get to know slowly as friends..
Lastly, you cannot make a relationship work by yourself, and you do not LOSE a man. That makes you sound totally desperate, and is a phrase I simply hate for women to say. It makes me crazy!!
You don't own men, and therefore you cannot lose them. If this guy wants to be with you he will, and if he doesn't, he will go on about his business. If he wants the relationship to work, he will do what it takes on his end to see that result. It's not your responsibility, so stop putting all that pressure on yourself.
Finally, when you are ready for sex it will happen naturally as an extension of how you feel about this guy emotionally. You will feel warm and loving and passionate and then things will progress without pressure. Instead of worrying about it and putting him off, you'll welcome his advances.
Be sexually responsible and prepare in advance for such an inevitability. Make sure you have condoms available or are taking proper contraceptives. Don't get caught up in the heat of the moment and end up pregnant with a baby fathered by a man you barely know.
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