Something I think every retail store should have.
Before I moved here, I lived in a pretty small town compared to the city. The population sat at approximately 33,000 and for the most part, everyone knew everyone or everyone knew someone who knew everyone.
I started working at a retail shop at the end of September last year, and at some point during the holiday season, I was confronted with this question. Since moving, I've found it popping up more frequently.
What do you do when you see a zombie?
Naturally, as I have been saying for the past couple articles, you kill it. Plain and simple, end of story, no further questions, your honor.
But what happens if you don't have access to a weapon to be able to take out such a monstrosity? Or, moreover as the case was for me, what is the appropriate way to respond when you see a zombie shuffling its way to the See Spot Save section of the Madison East Target on Lien Rd?
First, relax your nerves. As I am sure this will probably be your first time spotting a zombie so close, you will probably want to take a couple breaths before continuing. Think of this as a way of cleansing your thoughts and opening your mind to all the possibilities that could happen from whatever you choose to do.
This is also a good way to cope with that angry guest who seems to think her triple, half pump, extra hot, extra foam, breve vanilla caffe latte is more important than the walking dead trying to devour baby and all in the savings aisle.
Second step: Take in your surroundings. Consider for a moment if you have the means of executing this vile beast. That extra hot latte may do wonders to a person's face, but when it comes to the undead, pain or possible scarring isn't a factor for already decaying tissue. If anything, by doing this, you're only going to make the creature more vicious and more likely to succumb to the want of your brains.
Third step: Confide in a team member. As the saying goes, two heads are better than one. If you are working with someone else or there is a worker nearby, call them over and point out the creature stumbling along. Ask them what they make of it, and if they agree it's an undead threat, call it over the walkies.
"Code oh my God, there is a zombie in here" often works the best.
Fourth step: Watch the creature carefully and don't let it wander too far into the store. If managers can't reach it quick enough, you may have to sacrifice yourself in order to save the extra hot, extra foam, extra obnoxious latte lady from being eaten alive. I know this may sound like a silly thing to do, but it's what you have to do. Don't worry, any bills you leave behind will not be compensated by the company, and your family will most likely get sued by the zombie's family, if in fact it turns out the zombie is not really a zombie at all.
Fifth step: Find the nearest blunt object and attempt to impale the zombie, or simply knock it out, whichever seems like the best idea at the time, and then wait for the leader on duty (LOD) to come and "dispose" of it "discreetly". This is where it becomes tricky. Once you get up close and personal with the zombie, you have to make a quick observation. Is this really a zombie or just someone who hasn't slept in the past 48 hours?
Fortunately, for the most part, the answer will be that of the latter. Unfortunately, by the time you are able to make this observation the "zombie" will now be dead or worse unconscious (worse, because they can testify against you personally, instead of the prosecution relying solely on eye-witnesses), which will lead to many law suits and most likely many years in prison.
So, to answer the question of what to do when you see a zombie in your local Madison-area Target store, or any Target store for that matter, is pretty straight forward and simple: go on break and watch from outside the glass doors what this supposed zombie does. If it simply browses the store and ends up with a cart full of items it really doesn't need and uses a mountain of coupons to lower it's $200 shopping spree to a whopping $20, for which it pays with only gift cards, odds are it's not really a zombie but a mere coupon scammer.
If, however, after you declare your break and begin to walk outside for a bit of fresh air, screams of pain and agony float into your ears, you will know you have made the right decision. It's at this time that you should sprint to your vehicle and pull out that samurai sword or M16 rifle and go to town on the flesh eating, corpse-decaying, filthy, undead creature running amuck in your beloved store.
If for whatever reason you don't have such resources in your vehicle, then you are as good as dead, because where there is one zombie, there are many.