Review of A Lifetime Companion to the Laws of Jewish Family Life by Deena R
. Zimmerman, MD MPH IBCLC (Jerusalem and New York: Urim Publications)
From the winter 2006 issue of Kallah Magazine: Kallah Prep By the Book By Esther Frankel
As a kallah today, you have a great advantage. You have a wealth of literature with halachic and practical guidelines to Jewish marriage available. That means that you are not limited to only one standard book but can browse among a dozen to find the one or ones that speak to you. Not all kallahs fit one mold; they each have individual personalities and inclinations. So whereas your friend may have found a particular guide appealing because she found its emphasis on finding meaning in the practice inspiring, you may not prefer your guidebook to be more focused on the halacha than the hashkafa. Or you may want a book that covers a lot of specific “what if” situations. Or you may want a study that raises awareness about health issues. Or you may want a book that brings up answers to the questions you were afraid to ask or didn’t know enough about to even frame the question.
The fact is that there is more involved in the marriage relationship than counting the days and preparing for mikvah according to halacha. So where do you learn those essential but not easily quantifiable points? Ideally, you will find a kallah class instructor who will cover all bases. Unfortunately, it is possible that you end up with a teacher whose treatment of certain aspects leaves you with a very fuzzy picture at best, and you may have no way of knowing that something vital was missing. That is why it is important to have a halachicaly grounded book that will address all the issues you need to know from the beginning of your marriage.
One book that would have been perfect for my needs, alas, did not exist way back when I was a kallah. A Lifetime Companion to the Laws of Jewish Family Life by Deena R. Zimmerman, MD MPH IBCLC (Jerusalem and New York: Urim Publictions) has a copyright date of 2005. It is available both in hard and soft cover, not only in stores but from Amazon. It is called “Lifetime” because it covers the application of these halachos to issues of physical development, as well as the effect of pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, and menopause. In a single word, this book is lucid; the material is clearly organized and presented. The only change I would recommend in the addition of an index, as some issues are dealt with in part in more than one section. The author, a pediatrician and one of the first graduates of the Keren Ariel training program in Israel, combines her two areas of expertise to seamlessly present the facts of halacha while bringing up pertinent biological issues. So she not only points out when you have to ask your rabbi, but when you should see your physician. Another benefit is that her guidelines about halachic parameters to take into account during different type of examinations lets women know what to expect at a gynecological exam
The halacha presented is the same as you would find in any other book, though the presentation is much more thorough than most books aimed for a female audience in terms of quoting primary sources for each of the components discussed. The book will not decide for you, for example, whether or not you should opt for color coordination in selecting your toilet paper, though it will explain the divergent view on the matter so that you’ll understand the issue well enough to know how to frame your question and act appropriately according the psak you get from your rabbi.
If you’re looking for chizuk [encouragement] in the form of a lot of hashkafa of the type that assures you keeping taharas hamispacha works to enhance marriage and health, this is not the book for you. Though the author does not disparage the philosophy offered in other books and does offer recommended reading, that is not her purpose. As she writes: “Much has been written explaining the philosophy behind this practice and will not be repeated here. This part focuses on how to observe these halachot, and not why” (81). But she does offer encouragement of more practical source. Thus her footnote on the very next page urges women not to allow self-consciousness to prevent them from asking rabbis when necessary. “Some women feel they are being ‘more careful’ by not asking and just waiting, but in this area of halacha this is not true” (82).
I would add that it is worthwhile to ask your posek questions both for gufey halach and for questions of practice. I recall my Kallah instructor indicating that there is an option for a particular practice early on. However, she left out some important details like the fact that you have only ten seconds in which to act if your objective is to establish a chazaka that works in your favor and that the ramifications for unfavorable results can be very severe, as in “three strikes and you’re out.” That’s a pretty serious omission in my view. On the other hand, Zimmerman’s book offers a clearer understanding of the halachic principles that underlie this halacha and suggests that problematic results may be resolved my medical attention, though she does not determine what your practice should be. However, my husband’s chasson class instructor, who also paskins on these issues, came out clearly against it. The risk far outweighs the benefit, he said, and he assured his class of chassanim that they should call him at 2 AM to personally tell their wives NOT to do if they indicated they would. On a somewhat lighter note, at a refresher course I attended, I asked the well-known kallah instructor about swimming during the shiva nekiyim. She said that one’s bathing suit would have to be white, at least on the inside. Now remember, a Kallah instructor does not paskin for you, so you are not bound in the way you would be if you asked your rabbi. Afterwards, I asked my rabbi (via my husband), and he said the bathing suit does not have to be white. So my advice is: go ahead and ask, and you may get an answer that easier to live with than you may have anticipated.
One of the features that distinguishes this book is its appendices. These include some standard ones like checklist in preparation for mikvah. But it also includes some, written by appropriate authorities on the respective subjects, that are not usually included, like the “Review of Physiology,” “Taking Care of Oneself During and After Pregnancy,” and a guide to “Anatomy and Physiology” that should be read by both men and women. I recall a high school teacher telling a class that she told her less observant students in another school, “My wedding night will be more exciting than yours.” At the time that statement struck as both inappropriate and inane. If the excitement in the husband and wife relationship were based on the thrill of the unknown, it would be very fleeting indeed. In this instance, ignorance is really not bliss and can result in a mistaken assumption of infertility or other injurious frustration in a marriage. Dr. Zimmerman explains that though it is a natural process, it needs to be learned. While a Kallah class instructor should teach all of the components her students will encounter, some are not as explicit as they need to be and only refer to the matter in a roundabout way. The book provides the basic information you would need to even know what to ask.
Another nice features of the book is the Frequently Asked Questions, which includes many illustrative examples of personalized calendars. Other questions range from a fear of water to suggestions for the husband, to how to deal with social obligations that conflict with a woman’s personal calendar obligation. I recall the book I was given to read as a kallah offered the story of a woman who went to the mikvah during a snow storm, as encouraged by her Kallah class instructor. While it did make the point of overcoming obstacles, the forces of rain, snow sleet, dread of night tend to bring out our feeling of heroism. But the dread of exposure of a personal nature is something many of us find utterly daunting. Consequently, many women will forego tvila bizmana if they find themselves scheduled to be in the company of others on that date. Zimmerman puts this issue in the right perspective and provides helpful suggestions to implement it.
If you want a straightforward guide that provides you with an intelligent understanding of the halacha and offers insight on health and physical issues, this is a book that should appeal to you. If your Kallah instructor did not recommend a particular text, or you were not happy with the one she did, then you may just find what you seek in this volume. Even if you are already married, you can still learn a lot from it, as can your husband. So when you find yourself in the market for a book on this topic, don’t overlook this one.
Also see www.examiner.com/x-18522-NY-Jewish-Bridal-Examiner~y2009m9d9-What-they-didnt-teach-you-in-school--Jewish-intimacy-and-prewed-classes-part-1-part-2 and -part-3
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