What's wrong with my dating life: By Dating with Dignity

The results of a study, started in the 1960’s, were released this month. The results, taken from 144 people interviewed in the 1960’s and today, seemed to show that the personality traits we have in 1st grade aren’t much different from the personality traits we have as adults. This resulted in article titles such as “Personality Set for Life by First Grade,” and I’m sure most of us who read the study did so with disappointment and mild depression, at least if you spent 1st grade being terrified of the jungle gym and secretly wondering how you could ever spell, from memory, a word like “asked.” (I remember thinking “If I can spell a big word like that, I can do anything. I can’t spell that though.”)

This study would not be a surprise to my mother, who has on more than one occasion said “It doesn’t matter how you raise your children. I raised you all exactly the same, and you came out with completely different personalities, from the day you were born.” Then she looks at me with eyes full of what I assume is pride, but could be a completely different emotion.

I mention that study because I read that study the week before Marni Battista told me what I was doing wrong in my dating life. Remember, a few articles ago, when I interviewed Marni and then put in the article “Hey, if you want me to take your assessment for free and then write an article about it, I totally will.” Well, apparently either Marni or her publicist actually read my article, and emailed me to ask if I would take the assessment for free. Honestly, I need to stop volunteering for stuff like this.

In my last job we took personality assessments, and then our facilitator asked if someone would volunteer to have their assessment read out loud and explained. We unfortunately made eye contact, and I nodded, and the next thing I knew she was telling all my coworkers I hated it when people were patronizing, and then asked me if I knew what the word “patronizing” meant. Oh, I know, lady. I know.
 

I also don’t really like assessments or any multiple choice tests because I feel …gray. I was trying to explain this to a friend when we were talking about drug use, I feel so much depends on the situation, the person, the set of circumstances---I would need a lot of details before I could make an assessment on a particular person’s moral ground, and I am not comfortable with blanket statements, like “Drugs are evil.” Maybe I shouldn’t compare multiple choice tests to my views on legalizing meth (I’m kidding, we were talking about antidepressants and stuff), but I feel torn when I take multiple choice tests too. I want to ask more questions, or perhaps type in my own answer, but that’s never possible. Sometimes I end up panicking and picking “C.”

Anyway, we’re at least 500 words into this article, and you still don’t know what I am doing wrong with my dating life. I bet that’s annoying. Why don’t I just tell you.
 

1. I am wearing boxing gloves. I’ll admit it, I don’t mind a good discussion. I wouldn’t say I’m a combative person, but if I ask other people “Would you say I’m combative?” they reply with “well….,” so there’s your answer. Marni did stress that this assessment was just a snapshot in time, a diplomatic way to get around the fact that when she said that I replied with “I don’t think I wear boxing gloves,” basically arguing with her on the fact that I am …argumentative. Point, Marni.

2. I am walled up. I mentioned this one this one to the person I am dating (I am not sure if I should be giving him a pseudonym yet—is it too early for that?), I said “Marni says I put a lot of walls up to protect myself when I am in a relationship” and Nameless Person I Am Dating laughed pretty hard and replied “You think?” This might have been because I drunkenly tried to break up with him the week before, telling him that breaking up now was easier than getting hurt, which we would if we broke up after the holidays. I mean, that’s when families and time off and gifts get involved, it’s a whole mess.

(Note to self and readers: If you are thinking about breaking up with someone while you are drunk, maybe wait until you are sober to talk it out, with yourself. You might change your mind, or you might be able to complete the breakup without sounding like a total ass or at least without slurring and falling asleep halfway through. )

3. If it’s not about me, I don’t care about it. Ow. This one hurt. Maybe I did have that attitude at the time, when I had taken that assessment I had just moved back into my house, realized I had no furniture, my Tombstone DVD had mysteriously disappeared for what must be the 4th or 5th breakup, and for some reason I had allowed my ex to live in my house for several months while I lived somewhere else and snuck back in when he was out to get my mail and rotate out my clothes. So yes, I was definitely in a “Liz, start taking care of yourself first” spot, and maybe I still am in that spot. Overall, I think my friends and ex boyfriends would say I’m very generous, but at this point I was just thinking “Damn, I’ll have to buy another TV.”

4. I take things personally. Ha. No boxing gloves on this one, I agree. Someone I was dating once said they were surprised a coworker was a cheerleader for some national sports team, and wondered aloud if he a girl like that would be attracted to him. I, of course, smiled (walls up) and spent the next three days wondering why I wasn’t better than a sports team cheerleader and if he thought he could “get” me what did that say about where he ranked me and where he ranked her, and oh…you know what? I hate this nutrition plan. If this had happened 2 years ago I might have gotten drunk and been over it. Now I have no wine at the house and am forced to write my articles sober, and am getting upset all over again that I don’t compare to a Suns girl. Can she talk politics? Does she know about Gaza? Does she?!?

5. I have a weight on my shoulders. Marni told me I don’t necessarily think I “worry” a lot, but I do have a definite weight on my shoulders. I agree with that. I have some new contracts at work, I’m trying to lose 20 more pounds before the next tradeshow, it’s so hot out I hate to run errands at lunch so I have no cable box—I feel like I am only completing things to get to the next thing. Some people consider this a good trait and ambitious. I just see it as “great, one more chore to do.” I also dislike asking people (people I am dating) for help, but I don’t know that Marni’s test picked up on that.

6. I need to be right. You’ll remember this came up during the interview with Marni, how so many women “need to be right” and if you have a high powered career, don’t you want to sit back home in the evenings and have a man make some of the decisions for a while? I’m kind of teasing you Marni. But you said that, so I’m kind of not. I had a hard time seeing how this was a bad thing at first, but as my dad likes to say “Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” (He says that to married people, not me, as I’ve been divorced and so talk of marriage with my family is forboden.) This is connected to judgment too—I am right, you are wrong.

So there you go. Those are the main points of what’s wrong with me in my dating life. You might be wondering how this applies to you (or you might glance back up to #3 and not be surprised), but I think this applies to all of us. Who out there is single or in an unhappy relationship? You can’t tell me it’s not in some way because of the walls you’ve put up, how you have judged people, the (metaphorical) weight you carry around, or how you internalize other people’s comments and take them personally. Come on, at least one of those has to apply.

The good news? Marni gave me some advice that I will be putting into practice, and reporting to you, Loyal Reader. A lot of it is very similar to The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, which I have on my Kindle right now, and am reading along with Kurt Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions and I would like to see the god damn Suns cheerleader do THAT now, huh?

That was rude and judgmental and an example of what I will be trying not to do in my dating life going forward.

Maybe my mom was right, maybe that study was right. Maybe we are who we are (even before 1st grade), and all the self help books and dating assessments and psychologists and support groups in the world can’t change a person.

I don’t know though. I used to get so nervous before going to places with lots of people (any place, work event, Disneyland, a party, the mall) that I would...practice walking. Like so I could get through the evening without doubling up with nervousness or flailing my arms. I’m not proud of that fact, but I share that with you to tell you that now, I no longer practice walking. Unless it’s really high heels. I’ve also lost 30 pounds since May. So if I can change that, the personality part shouldn’t be so hard…right?

Right?

I’ll let you know. Stay with me on this. This week I will be focusing on my need to be right. We’ll see how it goes.

Oh, and Marni’s services? She’s good. It’s very similar to some other great “transformational” programs; this is just dating-focused (which will, I’m pretty sure, in turn change every other aspect of your life). It’s just depressing as hell to hear exactly what you’re doing wrong, and so accurately. I imagine it’s how news reporters felt after HD happened on their channel. Damn. Yep, that’s me. But totally worth the $99, if you want a frank look in the mirror.