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What not to do when playing it cool

Flirting Fuel
Flirting Fuel
Photo by Dan R. Krauss/Getty Images

In the flirting game, there are many sources of valid, tested, useful ideas on what to do. I am here as your unmitigated source of what NOT to do. This is a free service I provide. You're welcome. Now I have had a few successful turns at flirting, but they are so few and far between... and my failures are so abundant and amusing... it would really be a crime not to share some of them. Here is one of my most recent adventures.

When getting a Listerine Strip, make sure you are only getting ONE.

I had just gotten on a plane and I realized the man I was sitting next to was quite attractive (and on initial inspection, seemed to have at least a normal IQ and most of his teeth, which has been an issue a few times. That's fodder for another article.), so I took stock of myself. I was pretty much all systems go except for the possibility of coffee breath, which was easy enough to fix. I shot him a smile while digging in my purse for a minty-remedy and he started small talk. We were already past the current weather phase of chatting when I finally found what I was looking for. I was so involved in answering his question about work that I did not look at the number of strips I had before casually turning away and popping them in my mouth.

I very quickly realized the enormity of my error when what was apparently FIVE mint strips began to dissolve into a Fire-Mint-Flavored nuclear superglue. Tooooo mintyyyyyy. I had been attacked by a Mint Ninja. Do you know how difficult it is to appear casually sexy when your eyes are watering, your nose is flared, and you literally can't speak because your tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth and your taste buds are being chemically burned off like it's some kind of bizarre oral-hygiene torture?? Let me tell you, it is slightly taxing... The best conversation I could muster was muffled "umhumms" and the like, all the while trying to be subtle about working my mouth like Mr. Ed when they put peanut butter on his tongue to make him talk. I felt like a goddess... a minty fresh goddess.

People around me started sniffing and looking around, as if the mouthwash-grenade in my mouth was hurting them, too. Conversation dwindled with my cute neighbor. I was trying desperately to look very absorbed in a game of solitaire on my phone whilst also trying to rid myself of the mouth-glue. The flight was only an hour. A very long hour. Incidentally, that is EXACTLY how long it takes five Listerine strips to completely dissolve. In case you wondered.