"Your Brain On Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life" by Stanley and Alyssa Siegel
Today's Kiss & Tell Report
Therapist Alyssa Siegel had the opposite experience. Her father Stanley Siegel, who is also a therapist, was completely open and honest about sex and sexuality. He came out to her as a gay man when she was thirteen.
I recently spoke with Alyssa Siegel about the lessons of her relationship advice guide "Your Brain On Sex."
Abiola: Was it at all strange to write this book with your father, Stanley Siegel? I know that you are both therapists. How did the collaboration come about?
Alyssa: Over the years, my father and I have consulted regularly about our work. I think that our ease in doing so was a natural extension from what was already a very strong relationship in which we talked regularly and openly about our personal feelings, experiences, and perspectives. For better or for worse, there has really never been a topic that was off-limits for us, including sex!
When my father first proposed writing this book, he invited me to be part of it, believing that our different genders, orientations, age, and geographic locations as practitioners would really enhance it. But we hit a wall when we started floating the proposal. Publishers thought it would be too creepy for a father-daughter team to write a book about sex. So I stepped back from the process, providing feedback and some of my own case stories, and editing the drafts.
Still wanting to make my role more visible, my father asked me to participate in an interview on some different themes and subjects discussed in the book, adding this dialog at the end of the book. At this point, the publisher started to see the value of the collaboration and approved integrating my writing into the main content by including an “Alyssa’s Thoughts” section at the end of each chapter.
Abiola: Alyssa, how lucky that your father was so open about sexuality. What did he teach you about men and love growing up? Did you bypass much of the relationship awkwardness and missteps that many of us in less open families encountered?
Alyssa: Great question! I feel incredibly fortunate to have been raised in a family system that did not shroud sex in fear, secrecy, or shame. In terms of my personal development, my father was profoundly open to answering questions and gently checking in with me about my feelings and practices, not in an intrusive or judgmental way, but in order to show me that he cared. This honesty, acceptance, and comfort regarding communication around sex is something that I have carried with me and has absolutely helped me in my personal relationships as well as my professional life.
I think it also made my decisions around sex as I was growing up more informed. Rather than retaliating against something that was perceived as being “wrong” or “off-limits” by engaging in it recklessly, as many adolescents do, I was responsible about it. Aside from this, probably the most important lesson I learned about love and sex was that it wasn’t specific to same sex relationships. When my father met his same-sex partner of 17 years, I was 13. This is a hugely pivotal age in terms of the development of your core beliefs about identity, gender, love, and sex. Seeing my father happy with someone that he had the courage to love despite adversity had a huge impact on me.
Abiola: Women still deal with slut shaming and the converse, prude shaming, where we are being made to feel wrong or abnormal for our sexual choices. Can you please share your thoughts on this?
Alyssa: While our country has certainly made some progress with this, it’s far from being a non-issue. My personal opinion is that this is a form of oppression, a form of maintaining the status-quo of gender inequality. The bottom line is that as long as no one gets hurt, each person’s sexual preferences, choices, and activities are no ones business but their own. There is an almost unfathomable range of desires and practices when it comes to sexuality.
Women should think about, explore, and own their sexuality, honoring what they know and learn about it. Sexuality is personal and private unless you choose to share it. If you do, as with anything else, you just need to be aware that people might make judgments or attempt to undermine your rights or confidence in your choices through shaming but you don’t have to take it on. You can’t please everyone all the time. You just can’t. And I certainly wouldn’t want to. What would that say about me? The best you can do is what feels right to you. Be authentic.
Abiola: Many of us put our love interests on a pedestal and then have issues relating as an equal to this person we have put above ourselves. Why does this happen?
Alyssa: Women have been socialized to believe that they are inferior to men so it’s not surprising that this is going to show up as material when it comes to finding an opposite sex partner. Many women also struggle with issues around self-esteem, which tends to play out in relationships with partners of any gender as well. Specific to putting your partner on a pedestal, I think that this can happen for both men and women but women in particular have been socialized to believe that a top priority in life is to find a mate.
Traditional gender expectations for men (success) and women (husband and children) are shifting without a doubt, but they are not yet even. This can lead some women to miss or ignore qualities or even red flags that are not compatible with who she is. In an effort to maintain this relationship, in part to avoid loneliness or societal judgment, she may make sacrifices or compromises in other areas of her happiness or identity, putting her own needs aside. This inevitably results in resentment further down the line.
It’s also not at all unusual for people to fall in love with the fantasy of a person rather then who a personal actually is in the early months of a relationship. We are full of hope that our partner will actualize their best self, the self we see them having the potential to become. It takes a while to really get to know someone so glorifying them early on is easy and tempting to do. The most successful relationships tend to be the ones in which we see our partner as they are, accepting everyone will have some qualities that bother us but some will have qualities that most likely will not change and then choose whether we can live with them or not.
Abiola: You talk about intelligent lust. Do you have any practical sexpert seduction tips based on your psychological knowledge?
Alyssa: Seduction to me starts with communication. It’s hard to seduce someone when you don’t know what their fantasies are! The other thing I think is important to remember is that seduction should be fun and not stressful. Try to let go of the expectation of outcome and just enjoy the process. Be present and role with it!
Abiola: Alyssa, you write on your blog about attempting to raise a gender neutral child with your son turning out to be a “typical boy.” (I say that knowing full well that there is nothing typical about a child of yours!) I have many friends who have had the same experience.
Yes! I should clarify that of course you’re right. My son is in no way typical. But he definitely is all boy! I’ve played more sports in the last few years then I did in the 30 years prior combined. Having a child is a fantastic reminder that you can only influence another human being just so much. I love that my son has had the strength and confidence to evolve into his own person and to follow his own interests. All that really matters to me is that he is empathetic, compassionate, and kind. And that he is happy. However I can facilitate that, I will.
Want more? Find my full interview with Alyssa Siegel on The Passionista Lifestyle Blog and buy "Your Brain on Sex: How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life" wherever you buy books. Tell me what you think on twitter @abiolatv.
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