There are five new movies opening in cinemas this week and not one, and I repeat, not one of them looks to be worth your time and money. Fox offers the spoof “Vampires Suck” which looks as if it was cobbled together in less than a month. It’s going to be a sad day if and when this piece of trash tops the box office this weekend. Hopefully Julia Roberts or Sylvester Stallone can hold on strong.
Universal releases the unnecessary sequel “Nanny McPhee Returns” while Miramax delivers “The Switch” which will likely become one of the biggest bombs of Jennifer Aniston’s career. Warner Brothers also enters the fray with the stupid-looking “Lottery Ticket.” At least the last release of the weekend, “Piranha 3D” actually knows its going to be bad and is actually positioning itself as a B-grade gore fest.
Since none of these movies aren’t worth it, I’ve decided to skip the regular format this weekend and just post a brief synopsis of the film followed by a quick write-up and verdict. I don't want to pretend I have much enthusiasm for these five flicks.
The following is your weekend preview of the major films opening in South Florida theaters this weekend and what you MUST SEE, SEE, WATCH AT A MATINEE, WAIT FOR THE DVD, SKIP IT or flat-out AVOID AT ALL COST!
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Kevin Carson (Bow Wow), a young man living in the projects, wins $370 million in a nationwide lottery. When his opportunistic neighbors discover he has the winning ticket in his possession, Kevin must survive their greedy and sometimes even threatening actions over a three-day holiday weekend before he can claim his prize
WHAT’S THE BUZZ LIKE? While the premise and cast of this movie sounded promising, the trailer all but squashed that promise. Marketing for the comedy has been tepid and audience interest is pretty much non-existent either. Also, when has Bow Wow starred in a good movie? The “Fast and the Furious” movies don’t count because he was merely a bit player. Reviews for “Lottery Ticket” have been terrible so don’t let those commercials declaring it “the new ‘Friday’” fool you.
SHOULD YOU SEE IT? Let’s see, horrible reviews, terrible trailer, no buzz… SKIP IT.
“LOTTERY TICKET” is now playing all across South Florida. Click on the NCM Widget below for showtimes.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? In the latest installment, Nanny McPhee appears at the door of a harried young mother, Mrs. Isabel Green (Maggie Gyllenhaal), who is trying to run the family farm while her husband is away at war. But once she's arrived, Nanny McPhee discovers that Mrs. Green's children are fighting a war of their own against two spoiled city cousins who have just moved in and refuse to leave. Relying on everything from a flying motorcycle and a statue that comes to life to a tree-climbing piglet and a baby elephant who turns up in the oddest places, Nanny McPhee uses her magic to teach her mischievous charges five new lessons.
WHAT’S THE BUZZ LIKE? The release date of “Nanny McPhee Returns” has been shuffled around so many times, I’ve lost count. Even the original title was changed from “Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang.” While I don’t think the original “Nanny McPhee” was a big hit, it made a decent amount of change to warrant this sequel which is populated by a host of acclaimed actors including Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ralph Fiennes, Maggie Smith and Ewan McGregor. However, even if it’s a decent family flick (which according to reviews, it just might be), perhaps it would have been smarter to have released this one directly on DVD instead as box office tracking numbers haven’t been good at all.
SHOULD YOU SEE IT? See it only if you’re really starved for a family movie and if you really loved the first movie. Otherwise, just RENT THE DVD.
“NANNY McPHEE RETURNS” is now playing all across South Florida. Click on the NCM Widget below for showtimes.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? From director Alexandre Aja ("The Hills Have Eyes") comes the new action thriller "Piranha." Every year the population of sleepy Lake Victoria explodes from 5,000 to 50,000 for Spring Break; a riot of sun and drunken fun. But this year, there's something more to worry about than hangovers and complaints from local old timers; A new type of terror is about to be cut loose on Lake Victoria. After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area's new razor-toothed residents.
WHAT’S THE BUZZ LIKE? Ever since its inception, horror fans have been gleeful anticipating the release of this project – not because they expect it to be good, but because they expect it to be bad! In fact, director Alexandre Aja promised fans that this movie will be one of the goriest and campiest horror movies ever made – full with gratuitous shots of naked women. The trailers have more or less confirmed this suspicion. A graphic, uncut bootleg Comic Con trailer only went to prove this one’s going to be a real treat for fans of B-grade horror.
SHOULD YOU SEE IT? Of the five movies opening this weekend, “Piranha 3-D” is most likely to be the most fun of the lot. Still it’s not worth spending your money on – especially since you’re going to be saddled with dishing out $13. This is a bargain big watch at best. RENT THE DVD.
“PIRANHA 3-D” is now playing all across South Florida. Click on the NCM Widget below for showtimes.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? Jennifer Aniston stars alongside Jason Bateman in this offbeat comedy as Kassie, a smart, fun-loving single woman who, despite her neurotic best friend Wally's (Bateman) objections, decides it's time to have a baby – even if it means doing it by herself... with a little help from a charming sperm donor (Patrick Wilson). But, unbeknownst to her, Kassie's plans go awry because of a last-minute switch that isn't discovered until seven years later when Wally finally gets acquainted with Kassie's cute--though slightly neurotic--son.
WHAT’S THE BUZZ LIKE? “The Switch” was unfortunate collateral damage after Disney finally sold off the movie’s parent studio Miramax last month. In all the delay and back-and-forth negotiating, the release date for this film got pushed around a bunch of times. While reviews haven’t been as bad as many would have imagined, it’s also the film that is tracking the worst of the five. Yup, this one isn’t going to do Jennifer Aniston’s career any favors, after the disastrous “The Bounty Hunter” earlier this year.
SHOULD YOU SEE IT? If you’ve enjoyed the trailers and absolutely adore Aniston, then you might find something to like in this picture. Otherwise, just wait to RENT THE DVD.
“THE SWITCH” is now playing all across South Florida. Click on the NCM Widget below for showtimes.
WHAT’S IT ABOUT? "Vampires Suck" is a comedy about contemporary teen angst and romance movies. Becca, an anxious, non-vampire teen, is torn between two boys. Before she can choose, Becca must get around her controlling father, who embarrasses Becca by treating her like a child. Meanwhile, Becca’s friends contend with their own romantic issues – all of which collide at the prom.
WHAT’S THE BUZZ LIKE? If you didn’t notice, this movie is a lame-brained spoof of the equally lame “Twilight” films. Whether it succeeds to be better than those films is a discussion for another day but considering it’s from the writer-directors of “Meet the Spartans,” “Epic Movie,” “Disaster Movie” and “Date Movie,” I think it’s safe to say this one’s going to suck the big one.
SHOULD YOU SEE IT? This is the embodiment of cinematic excrement. AVOID AT ALL COST.
“VAMPIRES SUCK” is now playing all across South Florida. Click on the NCM Widget below for showtimes.
CLICK TO WATCH TRAILER (OR DON'T)
NEXT WEEK: Hollywood’s dumping season continues with the release of two lame-looking genre pictures. Screen Gems finally gets to release “Takers,” a film that has had at least five release dates, thanks to the off-screen antics of its stars, while Lionsgate reveals another faux documentary/exorcism flick titled “The Last Exorcism” which, like “Takers,” is likely to be forgotten by the end of the week.
ABOUT THIS COLUMN: Every Friday, I run down the new movies opening in theaters offering my recommendations for your weekend at the movies. I make my recommendations based on the movies’ plot (What’s It About), industry buzz (What’s the Buzz Like?), the opinion of the critical mass (What are the Critics Saying?), and obviously, my take on it (What’s My Take on It?). With these cards in hand, I’ll offer my verdict (Should You See It?) - Either see them or skip them.
TO READ PREVIOUS EDITIONS OF MY "WEEKEND MOVIE PREVIEW" COLUMN, CLICK HERE.
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