You’ll have to forgive us newsies if we come across as a little snobby when we write. After all, we’re much smarter than you are, and certainly far more intelligent than those whose ideas we don’t agree with.
We know we’re smarter because we work for much larger organizations than you do, and therefore have a much larger audience.
Please don’t attempt to approach us as equals; really, you must be joking, right? We are amusingly clever because when we write things, we can make it sound like we were born and raised in the country, even though we privately despise anyone who was born and raised in the country.
We are the judges and arbiters of what is cool and what is not. We are completely unbiased in promoting progressive ideas.
And if we’ve decided that your idea is not progressive, well – you must be a wacko. You’re a wacko. Wacko, wacko, wacko – grow up, you radical right-wing racist wingnut tea-bagging obstructionists.
Aren’t we clever? Aunt Molly would love us so.
We have been terribly clever for years. When you think about it, we’re responsible for the way things are in Texas today.
Go back a little more than a decade to when Shrub was Guv. He was a dummy, but he was our friend then, because the enemy of our enemy is our friend.
(Isn’t that an Arab proverb? No mind.)
You’ll remember those evil wacko right-wing wingnut tea-bagging secessionist nutjob religious conservatives raised hell when Dubya introduced his plan to reform Texas schools.
It really wasn’t his plan—it was Ann Richards’ plan. Ann Richards was cool, because she was a progressive like us. Except it really wasn’t her plan, either, it was the same plan that Hillary Clinton had used in Arkansas. But now it’s our plan.
But if you remember, those mean ol’ Bible-thumping conservatives, they tried to stop Shrub. They pointed out that Hillary’s plan had helped Arkansas students reach No. 48 in the nation in educational achievement.
They tried to point out that there wasn’t any learning involved in the Shrub/Richards/Clinton educational standards, that it was all political indoctrination and touchy-feely mush. They wanted to go back to—get this!—educational methodology that works, skills and drills and memorization.
Knowing how to do math in your head, in an age of computers? Booooo-ring!
Wacko, wacko, wacko, right-wing religious nutjobs!
It was such a fun time back then. We were just beginning to feel our power.
This country is a Democracy. We believe in the democratic process, except when it’s someone else using that process to push an agenda we don’t like.
So when the State Board of Education started representing the people who elected it, and started trying to block the implementation of our new Progressive Education System—we simply had the state Attorney General strip those wacko right-wing conservative Republican nutjobs of their power to regulate textbook content.
Hey, Korea, Japan—does it really matter which one we used the A-bomb on? How many of these kids are ever going to those places, anyway?
So we helped Dubya implement what those nutjobs opposed, and because of us, he got elected as the “Education President.” Then he turned back into a wacko right-wing conservative Republican nutjob and we had to make fun of him again.
But no matter, we’d protected Texas schools from being run by wacko religious conservative right-wing nutjobs.
We are proud of our accomplishments, especially on this issue. Texas has risen from No.12 in the nation in educational achievement prior to the implementation of the Texas Essential Knowledge and Skills under Bush, to No. 48 in the nation now. Nearly one-third of Texas students are dropping out—which keeps a new generation of social workers and GED instructors employed.
More than one-third of Texas kids who do manage to graduate high school have to take remedial reading and math courses in college to catch up. Because of our genius, thousands of college grad students have jobs!
See? Your tax dollars really do work!
Those right-wing wacko religious conservative Republican nutjobs insisted that we include high-stakes testing in the program and tie that to how much funding schools receive. Well, of course, school administrators have gotten caught time and again doctoring test results or keeping their dumbest kids out of class to keep their state rankings up. Had it been up to us, we’d have eliminated grades altogether.
The cost of education in Texas has nearly doubled in a little less than a decade thanks to us. We know it’s hard on some people, but high school property taxes gives us a whole new subject to harp on, such as why the right-wing wacko racist conservative religious Republican nutjobs won’t take federal dollars for education because of all the federal programs they’d have to implement if they did.
Can you believe that some of them think that parents should be responsible for the education of their own children? What’s next, cross burnings and nooses on every lawn?
It’s like the wacko right-wing nutjobs don’t understand that your children are our future; they are human resources of the State. The State needs our public schools to produce store clerks and janitors; it doesn’t need kids versed in Shakespeare, who can actually balance a checkbook and know a little bit about our history and culture.
Our kids will fill that latter role, thankyouverymuch. They’re in private school.
Like we said, we’re smarter than you are.
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