Skip to main content

Washing your zombie army

A bucket and garden hose will not be effective in zombie washing.
A bucket and garden hose will not be effective in zombie washing.
Photo by Angie on Flickr and wikimedia commons

If you are a local zombie master (necromantic psychologist) you may have encountered one of the elemental conundrums that zombie masters the world over have been dealing with since the dawn of raising the dead: what is the best way to wash your zombie army?

The garage is a bad idea, since the high pressure power hose you will inevitably resort to using (when the garden hose and buckets prove ineffective) will cause obscene amounts of loose skin and decayed flesh to slough off your zombies. This detritus will then build up on the floor, necessitating a thorough cleaning of the garage, and who wants to clean the garage?

This same obstacle makes using your underground lair just as bad a location, if not worse, since you can’t just rinse out an underground lair. (Unless, of course, you have a subterranean stream or river to carry the filth away, which makes clean-up easy. In this case you should definitely use your underground lair.) This means you’ll have to scoop up the pollution. You can always order minions to take care of this dirty work, but as everyone knows, minions’ performances can often be unsatisfactory.

There is also the option of making the zombies themselves clean up the remnants of their own flesh, but the problem in this solution is obvious: zombies are notoriously bad at everything except lurching and consuming living flesh. This leaves you to “pick up the pieces,” and you want to avoid menial, disgusting work as much as possible. Isn’t that one of the reasons you became a zombie master in the first place?

If you want a serviceable, ventilated location that offers easy clean-up and powerful on-site cleaning tools, take your zombie army to the Puddle Car Wash on 28th St. At Puddle Car Wash you can simply have your zombies do what they do best--stand there--as you use the coin-operated machines to direct powerful soap sprays and hoses at them. A word to the wise: do not do any hands-on scrubbing! Zombie flesh is very fragile and unless you want an army of skeletons (which could have its own uses), stick with the hose. The water pressure will be enough to take off the dirt and gore, along with any tissue that may be so decayed it holds the zombie’s movements back, instead of facilitating them. Don't worry if the zombies fall over. They always get back up.