Dear Abby as it appeared in the Atlanta Journal Constitution on Thursday, Dec. 9.
Dear Abby: My son "Dennis" is divorcing for the third time. He has primary custody of the oldest two children and shared custody of the younger two. He is an excellent father.
I have stayed with him in his large home to help with the kids. I supplement their groceries with things we enjoy. Dennis has female friends he confides in. He insists they are platonic, but she has told me she hopes to win him over.
This woman has had a hard time making ends meet, but always has money for pedicures and out-of-town football games. She spends many days and nights with Dennis, showering there, eating his food and using his laundry facilities. I resent that she is eating or taking home the food I buy for the children. Am I being selfish? My husband and I live on a fixed income and must be careful with our money. Any suggestions?
~ Wary in Minnesota
Dear Wary: I do have one. Because you resent the idea that your son's lady friend may be helping herself to the goodies you are providing your son and grandchildren, and because it is causing you financial strain, stop doing it. Or bring with you only what you and the children can consume during your visit.
NOW IT'S MY TURN
It is likely that my opinion is not the most popular, but here goes...
First, "Wary" said that she stayed with her son and grandchildren. If this is still the case, she can't simply bring food with her for her visit as Dear Abby states. She lives there. If this is not the case, she has certain rights as a mother and a grandmother. Let us take a look at the family unit and how it worked. Notice, I couldn't use the present tense of the word "work," due to the progressive deterioration of the nuclear family, which began in the last century.
In the age of "too big to fail," economic necessity has brought generations of families together as they were pre-twentieth century. But because we've strayed so far from the characteristics of a true family unit, we no longer possess the principles/morals needed to make happy homes.
"What are they?" one might ask (I hope).
FORGETTING OUR PAST
A natural hierarchy exists. Do we have a problem recognizing who is the eldest when we see words such as grandparent and grandchildren; parent and child; mother and daughter? I hope not. Such distinctions once existed for the sake of respect and admiration. The ladder of deference has the same rungs. But we, as a whole, ignored them for so long that they seem foreign to us.
In these difficult times that find mother and daughter living together once more, we must again learn these simple principles of family life. Not only would it behoove us to do so with respect to our financial woes, but it's possible that we may learn from past generations. And these lessons are priceless.
Then, when life hands us wooden nickels; we learn to carve them into useful tools rather than feel cheated or sorry for ourselves. The latter does no one good.
MAKING HISTORY
There are many lessons within our parents' and grandparents' histories and they're a Godsend when used properly in our own lives. Above all, it may teach us to eliminate the "me-oriented" mindset of today and take a deep look at the "we."
Hence, if we use the aforementioned "ladder;" in "Wary's" case, she and her husband deserve respect from anyone residing in the household. A grandparents'/parents' helping hand comes naturally. Somehow, it is ingrained into parents to assist their children in any way possible. Does this mean that their assistance should be "trod upon" by unappreciative children? I don't think so.
SPEAK OUT
My advice to "Wary" is communication, communication, and communication. If a problem exists in the home, she should be able to discuss it with her son -- coolly (The key word in this sentence).
Earlier in this piece, "Wary" uses "resent" in one of her sentences and this troubles me. Resentment is such a strong emotion. And I must caution her against speaking with anger in her heart. She has a better chance of getting through to her son without hateful words.
But ultimately, "Wary" must know that we can only control ourselves; no one else. Therefore, she may never find an answer to her dilemma. But should that stop her from trying? Again, I don't think so.
If for no one else, her grandchildren may learn through her good example. After all, they're definitely not learning the distinction between right and wrong from their father or his girlfriend.
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