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Valentine's FAIL in Austin and Hollywood


AP Photo/Muhammed Muheisen

       Before you go badmouthing your partner to your friends for neither having bought you the fanciest flowers, nor having taken you to the most exclusive restaurant, take a moment to consider the following Valentine’s others experienced:

      Jennifer Love Hewitt was spotted alone at Taco Bell, leaving with a bag full of “I love you just the way you are,” with a side order of “Valentine’s, schmalentines,” all topped off with some “your-bowels-will-exact-vengeance-later” salsa. See? Even an American sweetheart—albeit, a slightly irrelevant one—can have a crumby holiday, devoid of roses and Eskimo kisses.

      Britney Spears’s boyfriend, Jason Trawick, really rolled out the red carpet for his gal on St. Valentine’s Day! Who wouldn’t be swept off their feet by a romantic breakfast?? Never mind that it wasn’t in bed (although they both play the part with their bed-head), or that he didn’t cook it himself. It’s the thought that counts, and Trawick knew he’d struck gold when he said to the McDonald’s drive-thru attendant, “Go ahead and make hers a McCafe sugar-free vanilla cappuccino, we’re already celebrating.” Yeah, he knows that jewelry is a gift you get from people who can’t think of anything better and adulterers. Smart.

      So if celebrities with huge bank accounts flub up Valentine’s Day don’t feel badly that yours was less than perfect. If you got a carnation and a meal from a restaurant that doesn’t have a drive-thru lane, then consider yourself a winner.

      Still not convinced? Can’t relate to Hollywood glam? Here’s a short list of what other people around Austin were looking for on Valentine’s, and sought to find that special someone via a post on craigslist:

1. There’s still time to salvage Valentine’s Day. – 46
Secretly yearning for the "boyfriend experience" on what has turned into a cold Valentine's Day? It's not too late and can still be done in a very casual manner with no expectations, BUT with possibilities! Low key, laid back, 46 year old nonchalant charmer, willing to make your desire come true. Polite and chivalrous, always respectful of your me NOW!

P.S. The Olympics are somewhat entertaining, but would much rather spend the evening alongside a woman with a "Gold Medal" worthy personality.

2. Re: Crazy girls need love, too. – 28
Valentine's Day is a day where I always remember all the crazy straight girls I fell in love with and dated. Always the wrong decision but always a great idea. I'd gladly take the crazy over the normal.

Maria Maria's has the best duck tacos.

3. Better fishing through poetry. – 37
My name is Chris
my penis is small
Back in the '80's
I liked Kids in the Hall

I've got a cool dog
his penis is smaller
He was fixed when I got him;
no longer a baller.

My name's still the same and I lied --
it's average
All I want is a girl
who'll make me a sandwich

It's Saturday night --
Valentine's eve
Too bad your last date
wiped his mouth with his sleeve

I'm flip-flopping again
'bout that stuff I told you
Though not that it matters
like Texas, it's huge

Just a quick side note;
know my perception --
Back in 2000
Gore won the election

You clicked, you've read
now you're left with two questions:
Just how big IS his unit?
(And how lame is this poem)

      For you hopeless romantics, these posts can still be found on craigslist, keyword valentine. Who knows? Maybe this year’s Valentine’s Day story isn’t over for you yet.


  • Rox 5 years ago

    I got roses striped like tigers AND good wine. I kicked ass! (well, he did...)

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