In just a few days Valentine’s Day will creep its head forth once more, like a groundhog with chocolates and Cure album. The next few days will find countless couples, new and old, pondering just what the hell to watch. Maybe you’ve already seen the classics, are on a first date or have some other random circumstance that makes you tentative of what to hit play on.
Consider me your Marvin Gaye. Hi ladies. Gentleman, how are you this evening. Are you anxious that the wrong film selection will kill any love in the air? Is that something you’d actually like to have happen? Just read on and I (don’t) guarantee you’ll find the perfect cinema selection for your situation.
For the competitive freaks out there, perhaps you can run through all of the scenarios by Tuesday night’s closing bell. If so, I (pity) congratulate you!
You Miss Steve Carell on “The Office”: Dan in Real Life
Little seen in the theaters, but slowly become a weekend cable staple, Carell plays the titular character, a widower who works as an advice columnist, struggles to raise his teenage daughters and meets cute with Marie (Juliette Binoche) in a seaside book store while he's on the way to a family getaway. Wackiness, of course, ensues when Marie turns out to be the girlfriend of Dan’s brother Mitch (a not horrible Dane Cook who, I swear, isn’t in this movie much). Dan in Real Life isn’t a classic by any stretch, but it’s a charmer, perfectly displaying the warmth of Carell’s out-of-his-depth sad-sack routine. It goes down easy, leaves a glowing aftertaste and is littered with nice supporting turns by the likes of Amy Ryan, Dianne Wiest, Alison Pill and John Mahoney.
For Some Reason You’ve Never Seen The Apartment : The Apartment
Seriously, why haven’t you seen The Apartment? It’s got Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine smoldering together. It just came out on a lovely new blu-ray. Billy Wilder’s writing and directing was arguably (a.k.a. I think it’s…) never better, with the assist from I.A.L. Diamond of course.
Watching a Kristen Stewart Movie is Your Only Option – Adventureland
Is that special somebody insisting on sitting down and having a little time with Kristen Stewart because she loves Twilight (or perhaps um…Zathura)? Indulge in this under-seen gem from 2009 featuring Stewart as the love interest of Jesse Eisenberg’s James, who just graduated college and quickly realizes his career options aren’t as easy as expected. Directed by Greg Mottola with a relaxed mood that conjures, but never overdoses, on 80s nostalgia, Adventureland’s the preeminent choice for anybody’s whose only options are of the Stewart variety.
You Want to Watch a Chinese Movie while Eating Chinese Food : In the Mood for Love
Maybe Valentine’s Day isn’t your thing as a couple. Maybe his birthday is the day before or your anniversary is right around the corner and instead of going out somewhere fancy, picking up some Chinese food and being lazy at home sounds far more appetizing. That’s fine, sounds aces to me. Wait what? You insist on linking what films you watch with the origin country of your meal? Okay weirdo, at least keep things romantic and watch the absolutely perfect In the Mood for Love. Wong Kar Wai wrote and directed this masterpiece about two neighbors who quietly, un-physically fall in love as they ponder whether their spouses are sleeping together. Maggie Cheung and Tony Leung have unrivaled chemistry and the film’s visual palette allures with bold reds and steamy settings.
You’re Actually Robots : Wall-E
Sure it easy to find stories of humans uniting in the movies. Hell, there are dozens of them about talking pooches. What if you’re a machine though? Where is your cyber-Casablanca? Real Steel? Too macho. The Matrix? Too Keanu-y. A Youtube clip of The Hall of Presidents in Disney World? Too political. Wall-E? Bingo! Now clap your titanium arms together in delight and kiss the battery-operated one who makes your heart (?) skip a beat.
You’re Friends Hate His/Her Friends..with Knives…and Dancing : West SideStory
It seems that everybody at some point in their lives dates somebody their friends despise. Are they willing to step up with sharp objects, shake a leg and do a show-tune for it? If so, there’s no better choice than the 1961 piece of perfection West Side Story. Who knows, you might even learn a move or two.
For Some Reason You’re Celebrating Christmas Too : Love Actually
You never really need an excuse to watch that cute kid swear, Hugh Grant shake it to the Pointer Sisters or suffer a little heartbreak for Emma Thompson. However, if you and your partner’s internal clocks are really off and you’ve confused Valentine’s Day with Christmas, or you run a year-round Christmas shop, you’re excuse is in place.
Girlfriend/Boyfriend Keeps People in Burlap Sacks : Audition
To you, perhaps true love equals patiently rocking back and forth by the phone until the moment “the one” calls you back. Do you also like sticking needles into people and keeping them tied up and crammed into a sack by the corner of the living as well? Here you go! Takashi Miike’s horror classic is probably more akin to a night of Nora Ephron for you. Watch it with someone you’d also like to put in a sack.
You’re Hoping To Break Up with the Person After the Movie :Antichrist
This is my no fail, you’re not sticking together, lock of the week. Sure you’ve got the likes of Closer or Blue Valentine. Nope. This is the one. First we have the story for Lars von Trier’s Antichrist, in which a married woman blames females for the downfall of society. Additionally, there are the various horrific things done to male and female naughty bits. As such, you not only see a couple crumble to pieces in what is literally the worst way imaginable (rusty scissors for all!), even a stable relationship will enter rocky territory because it’s almost impossible for two people in one room to agree on Antichrist. If the bloody appendages don’t make seeing this the last thing you ever do together, the vitriolic arguments about the quality of the picture will do it for you.
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