The Utah State Legislature has a relatively impressive number of bills addressing the terrible air quality across the Wasatch Front. However, in the latest session at the House, representatives decide to take a different tack when it comes to air pollution. They are embracing it.
The first step that the house took was to pass a bill changing the Utah State song from “Utah, This Is the Place” to “A Hazy Shade of Winter.”
“This is a compromise that corporations can live with,” says the Utah Governor. “As for people, well, Utah is a good place for business.”
The Red Butte Garden Series will feature Simon and Garfunkel on a reunion tour. The Twilight Concert Series has scheduled the Bangles for their reunion tour, Cranial Screwtop and Susan Werner.
“We decided that creating a tourism brand based on the poor air quality would allow us to help multinational corporations boost their bottom lines,” says Rep. Lena Young of Vernal. “It will also help us to justify mining tar sands, building roads and running more trucks through the valley because people will want to see the worst inversion possible.”
While ski resorts may see a downturn in profitability in the coming years, marketing the inversion as a tourist sight may help them stay in business.
“With the inexplicable snow loss in the mountains, we need to do something to bolster a tourist economy based on something other than ‘the greatest snow on earth,’” says Rep. Reginald Smith, head of the Utah Committee on Science Denial. “The inversion is really no different than the northern lights. It might be more predictable, but it is no less spectacular, and the ski resorts have the perfect vantage point from which to see it.”
While environmentalists are up in arms about the move, many groups claim that it isn’t something that people living on the west side of Salt Lake really need to worry about.
“When it comes to politics in Utah, what minorities and direct action groups need to understand is that it takes a bunch of white men talking to a bunch of other white men to get things done,” says one environmental leader. “We need to work within the system, and the best way to do that is to make sure that the people on the hill see themselves in us.”
Individuals may find the air tough to chew, but the Governor is looking at the big picture.
“If people want cleaner air, they need to stop driving their cars,” says the Governor, “especially up to the Capitol. I can’t be bothered with their health concerns. That is what emergency rooms are for.”