Urban cougar dating

 

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The Urban Cougar is the older woman who seduces younger men for pleasure. Unlike Mrs. Robinson, however, the Cougar is single. She’s hot, sexy, smart, confident, successful, and powerful. Moreover, she has a trail of guys following her who will give their eyeteeth for a roll in the hay with her. In fact, her profile sounds a lot like men in their mid-30 and 40s. Like them, she is independent and has options. In short, she doesn’t need a man. She either already has kids or has made the decision not to have any. Her motivation for hooking a man is just about as low as the young men she nets: Conquests.

But the Cougar is not a man. In her heart, she is a girl, and like most women, she knows that if the right guy comes along... As soon as that happens, even the Cougar is susceptible to the Power Shift phenomenon. When the Cougar wants to convert Mr. Good-Enough-For-Now into Mr. Right, she may be even less equipped to deal with the power shift than other women.

If the Cougar falls in love and begins to hope that her casual fling will become something more serious, she will reference her old rulebook—the one that worked for her in her 20s. But because the Cougar presented herself to her younger guy as if she were above that, her guy will be far more startled than if he were dating a princess from the start and will sprint for the hills.

The Cougar must be very clever when she discovers that Mr. Good-Enough-for-Now is actually Mr. Right. She has to give him time to fall in love with her on his own terms. That means that the Cougar has to sit tight and keep her cool. More than that, she has to continue to be the woman her guy was attracted to in the first place. Men can move at the speed of glaciers when it comes to realizing that they’ve met the one. A man in love will do a lot of things he said he would never do, but a man in lust will move on. It will take time for her guy to change his life and commit to her as an older woman. She’ll have to be her oh-so-cool kitty-self and stay in stealth mode about her feelings for a lot longer than feels comfortable. Landing her guy will take time and patience, lots of patience.

If the Cougar is developing real feelings for her guy, she will need to take inventory and maintain the initial traits she presented to him at the beginning. If Cougar changes the rules and dynamics of the relationship, she will pull the rug out from under her unsuspecting Cub, leaving him wondering what happened to his carefree, fun, optimistic, drama-free, lover who affirmed his masculinity and made him feel like a king. How did she become so rigid, critical and judgmental in her disappointment? He could easily find that kind of drama from a hot, young 22 year old. But he loved his Cougar because she presented herself as different. She was open minded and flexible when they first met, and his Cougar made him feel masculine by affirming his accomplishments. She had a great attitude and was great in bed. If the Cougar woman wants to keep her younger man, she must keep all those qualities or she will lose him and lose him fast.

Cougar Traits to Maintain

• Fun
• Optimism
• Carefree
• Drama-free
• Affirming of his accomplishments
• Flexible
• Open-minded
• Non-competitive (because she wants him to feel like the man she craves)
• Sex, sex, sex

If Cougar is developing real feelings for her guy, she will need to ask the following questions and set her expectations accordingly.

• Will she respect him for the long haul?
• Is she open-minded enough for his youthful spirit?
• Will he be competing with her in the future?

If he earns less money than her, she may have a hard time respecting him for the long haul. Put him in the Cougar’s cage with a 40-year-old woman who has been cranking twice his salary for the past 10 years, and he will be unprepared for the emotions invoked and will escape from her claws as fast as he can. If she doesn’t respect him as a man, then her constant disapproval will result in emasculating him, and he will replace Cougar with a much younger, softer kitten.

Likewise, if her guy has a youthful spirit and enjoys clubbing, hanging with the guys or experimenting with alternative lifestyles, he may not be ready to settle down. Cougar might find that she’s a lot older by the time he’s ready. Men think nothing of dedicating ten or more years of their lives to play before settling down. And Cougar already knows from experience that she has no interest in waiting around at home while her man is off partying. If she did, she wouldn’t be a Cougar in the first place.

If he is less competent than his older Cougar, he may feel competitive with her. Older women who have experienced many facets of life can be extremely competent and knowledgeable in a broad array of topics and fields. Her superiority can have a devastating effect on his masculinity, and his competition may cause him to secretly enjoy her failures and disappointments.

Given those potential pitfalls, why do single women who are approaching 40 find themselves drawn to younger men in the first place? The obvious answer is that the sex is hot and youth is gorgeous. But the not-so-obvious answer is that older women want to attach themselves to something they miss, just like the older man who seeks a much younger woman. A younger man represents the youth women fear losing and the fun she may have already lost. When a woman was 25, an older man was more attractive. He was strong, confident, paternal and powerful. But as a woman ages, she views older men as a little tired, boring perhaps, and grasping at youth, just like... Well, she sees herself and doesn’t like it. People are attracted to youth because it is fun, sexy, and exciting.

I caution Cougars to remember that younger men do grow up, and as her young cub ages, he too starts to look south when he approaches 40. The 25-year-old girls admiring him will start to look pretty good to your used-to-be-young man, and your cougar ways will no longer be enough to keep him. If you are looking for a no-strings attached, fun, sexual relationship with a hot, younger man, then keep your perspective and don’t fall in love. If it is a fling and you don’t want your heart to be shattered, you must remember that it is just a fling. If you are looking for a long-lasting, committed, relationship, consider an older man. No matter how old a man is, when he is in love he will morph into 17-year-old boy. Fifty-year-old men still think they are 28, and if a woman inspires her older man, she will get the benefits and wisdom from his age along with all the energy and passion of a 28-year-old.

For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com