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'Two and a Half Men' Top 10 Funny Quotes from This Show

Charlie Sheen
Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images

"Two and a Half Men" is a great comedy show. This show stars Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen. Charlie plays a character that shares his name and Jon plays Alan.Angus T Jones plays Jake the son of Jon Cryer whom they are raising. It is known for keeping fans laughing every time they watch. Here are my top 10 favorite funny quotes from this CBS show from 2011 and earlier.

1. Charlie: "Jake. What do men have that women don't?"
Jake: "Beards."
Charlie: "No. Lower"
Jake: (in a lower voice tone) "Beards."

2. Charlie: "Drugs! Get me drugs!"
Alan: "No. Medication will only mask the pain."
Charlie: "Fine, mask it! Give it a cape and let it fight crime, I don't give a damn!"

3. Charlie: "I'll admit you're kookie Judith. But compared to our mother you're like a fart in a hurricane."

4. Alan: "I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?"
Charlie: "If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here."

5. Alan: "How do I look?"
Charlie: (without looking up) "Incredible. All men want to be you; all women want to be with you."
Alan: "Could you at least look at me before you answer?"
Charlie: (after he looked up) "I stand corrected. All men want to be with you."

6. Charlie: "Just so we're clear, my car is cherry, so if you bang it, ding it, dent it, or even change the ass print in the seat, just keep driving till you get to Mexico, then bury yourself in the desert."

7. Alan: "What kind of man chooses sex with an insatiably hot stranger over quality time with his little boy?"
Charlie: "Oh! I don't know the kind of man who's been married for twelve years and had sex twelve times?"

8. Alan: "Charlie, if you do what I think you're going to do, I swear I will never speak to you again."
Charlie: "Really? Then by all means tell me exactly what you think I'm going to do."

9. Alan: "I was singing."
Jake: "You weren't singing."
Alan: "Who are you, Simon Cowell?"

10. Alan: "Charlie, if you do what I think you're going to do, I swear I will never speak to you again."
Charlie: "Really? Then by all means tell me exactly what you think I'm going to do."

This show is just not the same now that Charlie Sheen is gone and Ashton Kutcher is on the show. It used to be a great show but now it is time to see it go. "Two and a Half Men" is hilarious though and you can always check out the repeat on television.

Sources: http://www.tvloop.com/two-and-a-half-men/show/quotes/top10/

http://www.poemofquotes.com/funny-quotes/two-and-a-half-men.php

http://2halfmen.com/quotes/character/Charlie/2/

http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/two-and-a-half-men/page_2.html