Hebrews 3:12-14 (NLT)
Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters. Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God. You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God. For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ.
For if we are faithful to the end…is there an end? I am tired. I am weary. I am broken. I am prostate in spirit before the Lord still and unmoving. I don’t know where else to go. Trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed…yes, I believe. The struggle of my life has brought me to this place of exhaustion. I don’t know where else to turn. I have been strapped into a rollercoaster that I did not even want to be on. I don’t even like rollercoasters anyway. I don’t like to feel my heart beating in my throat as anxious sweat forms on my brow. The chain is engaging and the clicking of each step as I am pulled to the top of the ride soon to be thrust over and hurled into a place I never intended to go and discover faith that I never expected to find. We will share all that belongs to Jesus Christ…sometimes this requires going places we do not want to go, facing challenges that we never thought we would face and going through things we thought we might not survive. So as I remain here face down, not even able to draw up to my knees, or lift a heavy arm – I find a sense of peace in my surrender. It is as if the Lord is whispering quietly in my ear, “I have been waiting for you here all along.”
I used to think that I trusted the Lord with my life…all of it. But I didn’t and still don’t today. It is the longing of my heart but requires a constant and consistent sacrifice of my life only to realize that I have nothing of true worth to give. I have placed everything that I can think of on the Altar of God – yet He still manages to find areas not yielded called strongholds in my fickle heart. I have some trust issues.
I Peter 1:7-9 (NLT)
These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.
It amazes me to look back over the last two years to see how far that we have come, but looking ahead it seems that we have a long way to go. In ten days, our son who is currently cancer-free will enter the hospital to undergo a bone marrow transplant. Every person who I know who underwent this procedure has made their journey to eternity. I do not say this with sadness or remorse because each one knew Jesus and were happy to be home. I don’t want to be one who is left behind. Our son has battled the enemy called cancer four times and God has brought him through each time. What glory would God received if after all this, he left us to be with Him? To the world it would be the tragic end to what seemed miraculous. God is testing this faith that we have to determine if it is genuine. He did not give our son cancer. I believe this disease is born of sin. It is crazy that our son who was a completely healthy child and now lives an alcohol-free and drug free life with absolutely no risk factors has been plagued by this disease not once or twice but four separate occurrences. His transplant doctor explained that every human body has cancer in it. It becomes life threatening when our immune system does not detect it and it begins to grow in our body. So yes, I do believe the cancer cell in our body began back in the garden and has been handed down through generations. The enemy did not give our son cancer either but has attempting to overwhelm our faith and makes us distrust God. What I do believe is this? God is using this horrible situation to increase our faith and trust in Him and experience the supernatural benefits of Heaven as they manifest on earth. I believe that the devil is trying to distract us and detour us from our Destiny. Everything I need including joy and peace are found in trusting the Lord, but if for one minute the enemy can cause me to doubt God or worse no longer trust Him – I am moved from life to death. Jesus Christ is God’s Word working in my life. Without trusting and believing His Word by faith, I will be destroyed. I love Jesus even though I never saw Him. I trust Him even though I cannot see Him now. My reward for such trust will be the salvation of my soul. This is paramount in living in the God’s Favor which allows every outcome on the Cross to manifest in my life.
Psalm 25:1-5 (NLT)
O LORD, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God! Do not let me be disgraced, or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat. No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others. Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.
No one who trusts the Lord will ever be disgraced. Trust in the Lord means to rely on His Integrity, Strength and Ability over our own. This is tough for mankind because we no longer have a trusting nature. It was sacrificed with sin a long time ago. We know the motives of our own trivial heart and therefore have great difficulty in trusting other people and, yes, even Jesus. Oh Lord, I give my life to you…well not that…or that…yeah, better let me hold on to that, too. You will never experience all of God’s Goodness in a fragmented state of faith. Lord, I give my life to you. (PERIOD)
For those of you who have not heard of a bone marrow transplant, here is a brief explanation in lay terms. It is believed that the cancer in our son’s body is from the Epstein-Barr virus. Each cell contains that trait. When chemotherapy is administered the obvious growths die but it seems as though the undeveloped, potential cells are going into dormancy to preserve themselves. When chemo stops, they take what they know and rapidly develop again faster with greater intensity. At some point, this cancer will learn how to resist chemotherapy and will no longer be effective in eliminating it from our son’s body. Each round of chemotherapy has the potential to wreak havoc on his major organs, as well as deafness and blindness. He has already experienced some degree of hearing loss after three rounds of chemo. So the doctors feel that it is in his best interest to move forward with this procedure. Essentially they will harvest cells from his healthy bone marrow and store them. Then my precious boy will be admitted into the hospital and “slammed” with chemotherapy. This “slamming” as they call it will wipe out as much of his blood cells and everything else in its path until our son is on the brink of death at which time they will return the collected bone marrow cells to rejuvenate and restore his body. The risks are huge. He will be in a critical state for many weeks. I will tell you right now my son has fantastic doctors who have consulted physicians around the world for months before they came to this decision so I know it was not made lightly. But I do not trust them with my son’s life. That’s why I am here facedown before the Lord waiting, watching and wondering. I asked Him to remove the cancer and take this horrible cup of suffering from our life but He did not. I pointed out many other paths to the Lord as we journeyed to this one, but He has insisted that He has a better way. So I must now decide if I truly trust the Lord, He is our only hope at this moment as statistically the odds are not in my son’s favor but thankfully we do not operate in the natural but rely on a Supernatural God who has Resurrection Power. My trust is not a powerful stand but a prostrated heart with all of its pieces before the Lord today. He promised that would never be disgraced. I have seen His Favor demonstrated in every area of our life as we have faced this challenge. The unthinkable has caused us to discover the Unfailing Love of God that wraps us up and carries us along when we cannot go ourselves.
Psalm 26:1-3 (NLT)
Declare me innocent, O LORD, for I have acted with integrity; I have trusted in the LORD without wavering. Put me on trial, LORD, and cross-examine me. Test my motives and my heart. For I am always aware of your unfailing love and I have lived according to your truth.
Now that the course has been revealed, I must be prepared to run the race of faith. The crowd of witnesses is great. But rather than working to develop my personal strength and prepare for what is to come in the natural, I find myself here in the Presence of God asking Him to please examine my heart. Test my motives, Lord. I know that God loves me. I know that He will never let the righteous fall. Do I trust Him without wavering? The Lord is not asking you to be the strong one today but rather to fall at His Feet. I want to trust the Lord without wavering and have finally decided that hope is the anchor of my soul which means that just because He saved me does not mean that I am now exempt from stormy trials but now well-equipped to stay afloat. I have the ability to thrive in my circumstances by choosing to live in God’s Presence. (Psalm 52:8-9) Thriving in God’s Presence is not necessarily a change of location but always is a change of heart. The Lord has set the godly apart for Himself. His Love is possessive. (Psalm 4:3-5) If I can only begin to get the image of God’s Love for me in my head and wrap my mind around it, maybe just maybe my heart will begin to beat with His Heart rather than constantly rebelling. Trusting the Lord without wavering is not in our words or what we do each day. It is the motivation of our heart to try to be devoted to the Lord, love Him more than words, and walk His Way to be with Him always. God’s Primary Motivation in life is to demonstrate His Love to us. Those who choose to trust Him will experience this love too great to ever be explained.
Psalm 86:1-4 (NLT)
Bend down, O LORD, and hear my prayer; answer me, for I need your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to you. Save me, for I serve you and trust you. You are my God. Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am calling on you constantly. Give me happiness, O Lord, for I give myself to you.
To be totally devoted to the Lord means that we have a zealous and ardent attachment with loyalty and great affection. This adequately describes my love and commitment to my husband and children. I would do anything for them even lay down my life. I say that I am devoted to the Lord but it is through times of testing that true trust is revealed. Is the Lord first or last on our emergency list? It’s okay to admit that He is moving up the ladder as I believe each test and trial we go through by faith and trusting the Lord takes us higher. We must move from telling everyone else our problems to calling on the Lord constantly instead. It is in this place that even in the midst of suffering that we find great joy and peace. True happiness is discovered when we say Lord, I give myself to you even when that means gathering all the pieces of a broken heart and life hauling it back to the Altar of God. His Love will put it all together again just because you chose to love and trust Him!
Isaiah 26:1-4 (NLT)
In that day, everyone in the land of Judah will sing this song: Our city is strong! We are surrounded by the walls of God’s salvation. Open the gates to all who are righteous; allow the faithful to enter. You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the LORD always for the LORD GOD is the eternal Rock.
My stirred up heart and mixed emotions will not do. It is time to fortify my heart and build up the walls of God’s Salvation by cultivating faith that allows me to trust Him more. I must find my way back into His Presence and not leave my position until the storm has passed. God has promised perfect peace to all who trust Him. I have perfect peace. I know that when I leave we leave the hospital that my kid will be with me, the battle over and Christ will have won! I must keep my heart, mind and eyes fixed on Jesus Christ. The author and finisher of my faith will teach me to love and trust Him more because I have nothing to sacrifice or offer God that is worthwhile so I can just give Him all that I have and hope that He can do something with it. He will! I know He will because He loves me…not a little but a lot! I must trust the Lord with ALL of my heart so here Lord take it all every broken, tainted piece and use it for your glory. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Lord, I will trust you AND do good so that I will prosper as my soul does. (Psalm 37:3-6) I will commit EVERYTHING I am and I do to you because I now know I cannot do what You can do with it. The Light shines in the darkness for the godly so I guess I will focus on faith so I can see my way through the unseen journey ahead. (Psalm 112:4-8) I need the Light of your Love Jesus! (John 12:46) You did not say that I would not walk through the shadow of the valley of death but that when I do – I have nothing to fear. You have promised that Your Way will not be too steep or rough and that You would take Your Hand to smooth it out along the way. (Isaiah 26:7-8) Thank you Lord because I am really counting on you to do just that! I have to make it to the other side and the promise you have waiting there. Our very lives depend upon it. Lord, I claim the new strength that you promised so I run and not grow weary. I will walk and not grow faint but make faith arise in every step no matter how long and dark this journey may be. (Isaiah 40:31) I have trust issues, Lord. I give my heart to you every broken, shattered piece for your use and your glory. I will trust you!
Philippians 1:28-29 (NLT)
Don’t be intimidated in any way by your enemies. This will be a sign to them that they are going to be destroyed, but that you are going to be saved, even by God himself. For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for him.
What if today rather than crying and complaining about the challenges that we face, we chose to give God just a little more of our life? Faith does not have to be large increments, it is effective in its smallest form. What if today we just collapsed in the Presence of God and wrapped our wounds in the Word of God? What would happen? It would resolve many trust issues. The devil would no longer intimidate us. We would see miracles that we thought were only part of history. We would discover the privilege of trusting Jesus Christ. Our trust issues would be resolved.
John 14:1-3 (NLT)
“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.”