Transcending the Grief Loss Stage

With the war in Afghanistan, the economy as such, many individuals are sustaining great losses. Be it an emotional loss, financial loss, material loss, or even a loss of self-esteem attendant to extended job loss. Whatever the loss may be, the grief loss process is still a stage through which one must go and a rather difficult stage, at that. Inevitably, one must be able to face, confront and work through the stage, however, should one ultimately desire any type of resolve and new beginning. The toughest part can often be the first step. Kevin McNamara, Grief Coach, Funeral Celebrant and Author of the book ‘Do I Have to Cry to Say Goodbye? Birth, Death and Inspiration: A Man’s Journey, and the double CD program ‘From Grief to Inspiration’ Moving You from Where You are to Where You Want to Be’, knows all too well how people struggle through the process. He has some great insight for us when it comes to processing any grief loss scenario, any one of which requires determination and strength. Ironically, it was through a grief loss business venture your Examiner was blessed enough to have made Kevin’s acquaintance from as far away as Australia. While this may sound a bit cliché please seriously ponder and process the four questions this very kind and knowledgeable “mate” has posed for you to help you transition through any grief loss stage:

“FOUR QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU OVERCOME GRIEF

View slideshow: Transcending the Grief Loss Stage

AND FIND INNER PEACE

When you lose someone, one of the first things that happens is you ask yourself questions. Why? How? What is going on? Am I going crazy? All sorts of questions appear in your mind and come out of your mouth.

Here are four questions that will really centre you and help bring some form of control to your emotions and feelings. They have many and varied answers and, importantly, there are no right or wrong answers. At some point in your grief these questions need to be answered in order to adapt to your loss and the change it brings.

These questions are quite confronting. They are for people who have been through the worst of their grief and are genuinely looking to move forward. Like most things you have to want to help yourself. If you are not at that stage yet then these questions may provoke uneasiness and even anger. Having said that if you are totally honest with yourself and looking for a way out they can really help you.

Question 1. What do I want?

This is probably the most important question we have to ask ourselves whenever we are faced with life changing and traumatic circumstances. What do I want now that I have to accept what has happened? What is the best outcome here? Specifically, this question asks whether you will be forever a victim of your loss or will you move forward with a new direction and inspiration? Will I learn through what happened to me so I can help others going through the same thing? Will I allow my lost loved one to be my inspiration and support? What do I want out of life now?

It means recognising the importance of finding inner peace to deal with all the obstacles you now face. It is a question that will help you to slowly move forward in your grief. Write down your answer and watch as a goal starts to form in your mind.

Question 2. What do I do now?

Taking action is the basic building block for coping with change and moving forward. We can talk all we like about doing things and making changes but until we actually DO SOMETHING, nothing will change. We need to decide what, within our hearts, is it that we know we need to do to change ourselves. This is where you may need help from a friend or relative (we all need heart to heart relationships), or a professional counselor whose practice is primarily with those who are grieving. They can provide ideas to consider and then you can decide what feels right to you as well as what you can use or at least try out. The important thing is to take some action. It doesn’t matter how slow the action is. If you are just standing still, nothing will change.

Question 3. What is my inspiring purpose/mission/goal in life?

Having a purpose or a mission is such an important ingredient of life. Without a purpose we lose our sense of being and our reason in some cases for living. We all have a reason and purpose for being here. To find it we need to have inner peace and an honest inner dialogue. When we go deep within ourselves (a great way is through meditation) we can find and be inspired by what we find in that peaceful state. Helping others, making a contribution in some way, joining a cause or charity. Helping others boosts our self esteem. Spend much time considering your strengths and weaknesses, where you can create your purpose or take up one you already possess and improve upon it. This involvement is crucial to your search for peace.

This is the key to moving forward. The how is not important here. What is important is that you know you have to stop resisting change and going through unnecessary suffering. We need a paradigm shift from being a victim to becoming an inspiration. Know you have been to Hell. It is a dark place. You no longer wish to keep visiting there. This is why question 3 is so important. You need a purpose to keep moving forward. Something or someone to honour and dedicate your life to. Once you can accept all that has happened to you, you can start allowing your thoughts to move towards helping others, finding a cause, honouring your loved one, finding inner peace. Once you really get to this point your life will change forever. You will have so much to live for. The bottom line is once you start helping others, your focus turns from feeling sorry for yourself to having empathy and wanting to help other people.

All of the above questions require you to take back control of your life and implement your own self discipline. In most cases you will need to forgive, take responsibility and recover lost self esteem and self confidence.

Why? Because we have to do the distasteful, what we dislike doing, when we would rather not. The pain of great loss is a sign to take a new road in life. As much as we try and hide from that it is the natural path of life. Things change every second of every day.

We all have choices. We can decide to stay a victim and feel sorry for ourselves, blaming everybody else for what happens to us, or we can make a stand, draw a line in the sand and start making a new life for ourselves. This doesn’t mean we forget about the past or our loved one but it means embracing the past and using it to inspire us to great things where we find a great mission or purpose that has other people as its motivation and not ourselves.

Write down the answers to these questions. Make an affirmation from your new life purpose and be inspired by your loved one and make them the inspiration of your life.”

The inevitable end result of any grief loss stage is that you must be open to accepting new beginnings. Barring that, one remains in what is called a “stasis” (see the attached definition:http://www.thefreedictionary.com/stasis ) and is unable to move forward. Since September 11, 2001 we have endured nothing but “change” as a result of an unwarranted attack that left, frankly, the whole world a bit grief struck. May Kevin’s insights help all struggling with a grief loss issue today, no matter its’ nature.

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.” – Author unknown.

Kevin McNamara is an author of the book ‘Do I Have to Cry to Say Goodbye? Birth, Death and Inspiration: A Man’s Journey, and the double CD program ‘From Grief to Inspiration’ Moving You from Where You are to Where You Want to Be’. He is an in demand Funeral Celebrant on the Gold Coast in Queensland, Australia and presents Meditation and self development seminars and workshops. Check out Kevin’s website at www.grieftoinspiration.com.

Regarding your Examiner: Corinne writes as the Toronto Military Children Examiner and the Toronto Mental Health Examiner. Previously she maintained a column still in existence as the National Divorce Support Examiner for the United States. Corinne is the author of four relationship recovery books: Moving Forward – A Handbook for the Divorced Individual, Project Teen Intervene, The Childrens’ Divorce Support Group for Ages 7 to 11 and Divorce, Dating and Parenting, an Anthology. See the links to Corinne’s columns at Google, follow Corinne on Twitter, or contact Lady Author on Facebook. See, also, Corinne’s website: www.booksonrelationships.net.