Oh dear. What a lovely pair, they, uh, you make, bouncing buoyantly up the steps to your nuptials. The only question Modern Love has is why?
For once, this writer who has oft written about the beauty, the sensuality, the utilitarian purpose of the female form – "breasts have nurtured the ages, and given countless hours of comfort to many scraped knees and elbows. They’ve enticed men to perform feats of great courage, and given women sensual satisfaction." – is almost at a loss of words.
So let me gently say that when it comes to showcasing your breast features, less is not always more. A hint of cleavage is enough to make a horny groom salivate. No need to present your entire self on the bridal platter. And besides, I’m not sure nipples were meant to hold up 40 lbs of organza satin anyway. They are delicate little things.
Years ago, I attended a wedding at which one of the guests conveniently forgot her bra. For the entire event, we stared, dazzled by her audacity, nipples popping out, here and there, little cherries tumbling out of a bowl from her strappy, low-cut gown. Each time one escaped, she'd tuck it back, casual-like, as if it were a naughty errant boobie. Oh, the men were momentarily thrilled, and just as glad she wasn't their date flashing grandma, auntie Sue and Jacob, the 8 year old ring bearer. By the way, did you invite children to your wedding? Or just the papparazzi?
Sensuality is a wondrous thing, but it is not synonymous with crude. I know it is so confusing these days, with all that crotch-grabbing, simulated fellatio and sexting going on. Makes a gal crazy trying to keep up with the Jones. But if the game is x-rated, do you really want to play (publicly) that is? Modern Love quite encourages For-Play, when it is restricted to more private settings. There's a difference between Googling and Goggling, my dear, and now your boobies have been subject to both.
Oh, that's what you wanted all along? My apologies. In any case, I hope by now you've recovered from the virus you must certainly have caught from all that internet and cleavage over-exposure.
Modern Love is just glad your groom decided to cover his parts, being that it’s nipply this time of year, certainly in yours.
Related columns:
Breasts, boobies or bubbles: by any name, they are glorious all the same
The mammogram, a breast-smashing good time it is not
The tip of your nose and 7 lesser known erogenous zones
Good vibrations: the part of a woman's body that never ages
In a culture obsessed, Meghan McCain's breasts create stir
Follow me on twitter: ModernLoveWritr. Send email questions/comments to tmbsdre@yahoo.com.
All Modern Love Examiner articles ©2009 by Tinamarie Bernard; reposts permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.
Comments
Totally agree with you! Very good and funny writing.
OH MY!
what a bimbo. she's russian, what else is there to say?
Entertaining & witty. Like your writing style! ("naughty errant boobie" lol)
Houston Legal Issues Examiner
Wow! That's a stunning entrance she makes as she walks towards the altar. So, when people say, "What a lovely bride!", one would wonder... Are they talking about her radiant beauty on this happy day? Perhaps they love how the wedding dress look on the bride. Er, did someone forget the top of her gown?
As they say, if you've got 'em, flaunt 'em.
While you still can - the world will soon be covered in a burkha. :(
Dr. Ms. Murdock, NO! No Burkas! What is happening to the middle ground???? As always, I am as much a fan of your writing and always appreciate your comments.
Tinamarie
Are you Gay ?
No I am not. Does that bother you?
So, now you think that all Russians are bimbos?
Hmm... conflictions, conflictions...
On the one hand, I believe marriage is a tired, old form of religious government, contradictive to the law of the two powers being kept separate. For this reason, I believe a nice twist on a wedding is always a good idea. You know, the odd theme here and there, maybe even a white suit and black dress. That sort of thing. But this is.... wow...
While I support the expression of sensuality, it's not always best when your relatives are around. While I'm all for acceptance over one's body, exhibitionism is a bit too far...
In a perfect world, I would love it if people could choose to wear clothes in public or simply go starkers. But this is not a perfect world.
I suppose my conclusion is: If she were going to do something like that, it might have been best to keep it an adult-only, heavily private ceremony.
Still, kudos on being comfortable with one's body. I appreciate that. Guts and initiative are severely lacking these days.
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