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Top ten reasons we’re happy 2013 is over

Honey Boo Boo and her mother made us want to change the channel
Toddlers and Tiaras

A new year is around the corner and with it a chance to start fresh. Let’s look back for a moment (And just a moment) to those things that made us blanch.

#10, War is over if you want it

The so called ‘war on Christmas’ is over for another year. Extreme conservatives who have no one to listen to except Sarah Palin, who is struggling at staying in the public eye, truly believe their faith is at risk because of ‘liberals’ who have something better to do than ‘take Christmas away’ from people they wouldn’t associate with anyway.

#9, Is it just a fad?

Twerking, like the Macarena, may be holding on for longer than its 15 minutes of fame. We’re hoping it’s just a quick trend. People have been shaking their booties for a long time now, but when you give it a cute name or a famous bootie gets shaken, it gets press.

#8, A billion for your thoughts

The social media mega site Facebook bought Instagram for a billion dollars in 2012, and Twitter for a billion dollars in 2013. They’re on a tear to maintain relevancy in a constantly changing environment. Looking ahead, Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook founder said, “Rhode Island is a perfect match for us because of its young urbane and educated population. We’ll tender an offer to purchase the State sometime this winter when they’re focused on snow removal and the legislature can’t get to Providence to vote no.”

#7, Not re-cycled

We won’t have Lance Armstrong to kick around any-more. The drug enhanced cyclist who popularized the sport after winning 7 Tour De France titles, has sort of said he’s sorry for getting caught and not being able to maintain all of his lucrative endorsement contracts. His good news in 2013 was that he replaced Alex Rodriguez and Michael Vick as the stupidest athlete of all time.

#6, There goes ‘Honey Boo Boo’.

Alana Thompson (Honey Boo Boo) the ‘gone viral for the same reason we want to see a train wreck’ "Toddlers and Tiaras" contestant, is the star of her own child exploitation reality show called "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." It earned her a spot on Barbara Walter’s list of top 10 most fascinating people. Now we know what ‘fascinating’ means to Barbara.

#5, Dynasty teetering?

Speaking of ‘Boo Boo’s’, Paula Deen built up a food empire on the back of butter and fat and saw it disappear when she opened her mouth. We should start to wean ourselves from so called personalities who make pronouncements about others. The jury is still out on the remarks of duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson. It’s possible that his immediate family has spent countless hours logging on and signing his support petition with various names like ‘Chuck Wagon’ and ‘Rose Garden’ so it looks like mainstream America is on board with his 19th Century bigotry.

#4, Can’t take our eyes off of you

South Korean rapper PSY’s “Gangnam Style” music video enjoyed 1.8 billion hits as of December 2013 and ‘enjoys’ the distinction of unseating Justin Bieber’s single ‘Baby’ as the number one watched video. We hope that satisfies the world’s appetite for performers who rip off the 80’s in clothing styles and lyrics.

#3, Eh?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford begged forgiveness for smoking crack as he was on an alcoholic bender at the time. Stripped of his Mayoral powers by the City Council, he vowed to bounce back and “Give crack a good name” by holding down a job and working with the homeless of Toronto.

#3, Still can’t get on

Maybe 2014 will be the year that anyone can easily log on to the Affordable Care Act website. Could the fact that medical marijuana became legal this year in DC be the reason it’s so screwed up? Could that be the reason Congress was so lethargic as well?

#1, Me, my selfie and I

‘Selfie’ has joined the lexicon as ‘The word’ of 2013 according the Oxford Dictionary, a book that no one reads any more. A ‘selfie’ personifies our need to be number 1 in our own little world and bore our friends by posting the picture and forcing them to look at it.

And an honorable mention

We can do without a do-nothing Congress, fracking, GMO’s and the preponderance of our fellow humans who have a smart phone attached to their hands and can’t concentrate on one thing long enough to spit out a cohesive sentence or look someone in the eye when they’re speaking to them.

Happy New Year!

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