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Top 40 best replacement names for "Redskins"

Hail to the Redskins
Hail to the Redskins


The U.S. Patent Office ruled this month that the NFL’s Washington Redskins' trademark should be taken away, a decision that creates financial pressures on the team to change its name. The 2-to-1 decision determined that trademarks of the Redskins’ name and logos disparaged American tribes, and must be canceled. The team owner plans to appeal, claiming the team had already won a similar legal battle ten years ago.

The ridiculous deserves the ridiculous right back at it, so I think we should also ban the Florida State University Seminoles and its mascot Chief Osceola - some guy decked out in Indian gear who rides a horse while throwing flaming spears. And, while I’m at it, let’s ban the Utah University Utes, too!
Here is my Top 40 List of replacement names for Redskins. Please reply with your vote for:
English Settlers
Hogs (the Washington electeds at the money trough)
The Man
White Trashers
Native Americans
Phone Tappers
Peace Pipers (honoring Marion Barry)
Guilt-ridden white liberal sportswriters
Leeches (congressmen)
Bloodsuckers (senators)
Tax and Spenders
Mascots (simple, basic)
Scary Clowns
Slingin’ Sammies
Shanahans (because of all the losers)
Allens (there was one winner)
Snail Darters
Trademark Safes
Drunken Irish
The: Aren’t–We-All-Part-Cherokees?
African Americans
Duke Lacrossers
Facial Recognitions
Anonymous Sources
Deep Throats
Fukuppies (hey, it’s a real Japanese mascot)
Legalized Weeds
Beltway Boys
Throne Sniffers
Rear-end-kissers (lobbyists)
The Washington Obamas (if you don't root for them, you're a racist)
Romneys (if you root for them, you’re a racist)
Craven Idols
Pale Faces
Grand Dragons
Race Cards
Reverse racists
Chick Filets
Bollywoods (wait that’s the other Indians)
The some-of-my-best-friends-are-Indians
Black Panthers
African Whites
Utah Blacks
Super Jews
Du Boises
Michael Jordans
White Sheets
Crack Hoes
Blue Gums
Towel Heads
Circumcised Skins
Fore Skins (for Harry Reid)

If the patent office decision stands, it would mean the team can continue to use the name, but it would lose a significant portion of its ability to protect the financial interests connected to it. So, run right down to your cheesy t-shirt printer and start mass-producing Redskins gear!

From the Warriors to the Indians to Chiefs and Braves, the revolting movement to change names began decades ago. The Stanford Indians became the Cardinal, the Seattle University Chieftains became the Redhawks and the Eastern Washington Savages became the Eagles, according to the Seattle newspaper. But we still have the Tomahawks (Marysville-Pilchuck, WA) and the Totems (Sammamish of Bellevue). Why? Why not rid them all so the politically correct police can get their way? North Dakota U is changing its name from the Fighting Sioux; St. Bonaventure used to be the Brown Indians; Marquette used to be the Warriors; and William and Mary changed its mascot from the Indians to the Tribe. What an improvement!

There have been nearly two dozen Indian name changes among U.S. universities since the 1970s, and the NBA’s Golden State Warriors have been mulling over a name change for several years.

Some have asked if the Redskins mascot could be changed to a potato, a red-skinned potato. Then Cowboy fans could chant: Mash the Redskins, Bake the Redskins.

How ridiculous can we get folks? Should Oklahoma change its name, too? Pundits have made it clear that the state’s name is from the Choctaw words “okla” and “humma,” meaning “red people.” For Oklahoma high schools in Capitol Hill, Tulsa Union, Rush Springs, Kingston and McLoud, OK, their Redskins mascot ain’t gonna change. Hold firm kids! The adults might change your mascot to The Kickapoos or the Mic Macs; (you’ll have to do some Canadian research on that one.)

You can’t tell me George Marshall, the original owner of the Washington Redskins, stayed up late at night figuring out how he could demean Native Americans by changing the name from its original name – the Braves – to Redskins. While he had a reputation for not liking Blacks, it is reported that four American Indians played for him.

How about cracking down in Atlanta where Chief Wahoo is the Braves’ logo on caps, shirts and merch? Come on people, the Braves “Chief Noc-A-Homa” was used for decades, and so was the “screaming savage” logo. Let’s ban the “Tomahawk Chop” from Turner Field, and at Arrowhead Stadium in Missouri, (oops did I say the word Arrowhead) where the Chiefs should rename themselves, too; and the Chiefs could kill their mascot – the horse named Warpaint - and serve him at the Gates BBQ Pavilion. Fifteen miles away from Arrowhead, in Kansas, there is the Shawnee Mission North High School Indians. Better discipline them, too. And why is it the “Shawnee Mission School District” – isn’t that racist? After all it’s named after a 210 year old school where Whites taught Indians how to read.

The Neshaminy High School Board caved in to public outcry this week and will now allow “Redskin” in the school newspaper, in Langhorne, PA, but what about Shikellamy High School in Sunbury, PA - they are The Braves. Shikellamy, a tribal chief who met with politicians in Philly decades before Ben Franklin thought of the idea, was very nice to white missionaries. Pennsylvanians named a mall, a creek and a church after Neshaminy – which means “a couple of drinks” in a tribe that William Penn used to hang around with. Let’s get the p.c. police a couple of Neshaminies.

Will there be a crackdown on St. John's University in New York because they adopted the mascot "Redmen," which is reference to the football team's red uniforms?
How about a ban on all future performances of Peter Pan; after all they sing the tune “What Made the Red Man Red?” And, can we ban eight songs about Indians written by Johnny Cash?

Sing along with me now…. Half-breed, that's all I ever heard, half-breed, how I learned to hate the word, half-breed, she's no good they warned; yeah that was Cher’s big hit in 1973. Shall we ban it? Take the trademark from Cher?

Here, look for Cher's totem pole in this video, then vote to ban it:

Can we censor Paul Revere and the Raiders, or John Loudermilk for singing “Cherokee people, Cherokee tribe, so proud to live, so proud to die…” Or, can we black ball Tim McGraw for “I'm an Indian outlaw, half Cherokee and Choctaw, my baby - she's a Chippewa?” Love that tune!

Why don’t we get really p.c. and reem Coachella Valley High School, in California; it has an Arab mascot.

The Chicago Blackhawks’ hockey logo consists of a Native American man who wears war paint on his face and feathers in his hair. Sorry p.c. police, “Blackhawk” came from a tribal leader’s name, not a tribe; The Sauk and Fox had a leader named Blackhawk; those tribes today are based in Iowa and Oklahoma, and when asked (years ago) the tribes said they had no objection to the hockey team’s name and logo.

Out of kindness for the hapless Cleveland Indians, we won’t denigrate their mascot, which legend says was re-named after an alcoholic Penobscot Indian named Lou Sockalexis, an outfielder who played for the predecessor Cleveland Spiders.

Didn’t we begin using Native American names because we wanted to honor the Native Americans?

For instance, we can kindly thank Oklahoma for birthing us the first Native American baseball player, Moses Yellow Horse who pitched for the Pirates in the 1920s and later coached an all-Indian baseball team.

Personally I’m more troubled by the Mississippi Rebels and the Delta State University Okra. The Rebs might grab the Stars and Bars and plant a cross on my lawn. And have you seen that scary okra mascot? Sticking with the horrible taste in mascots, Scottsdale Community College asked the students to vote for a mascot and they chose The Artichokes. That should be banned just on bad taste grounds.

And I am in agreement with Dennis Miller in changing the word Reservation to Open Seating.

So, do we have a guilt-fostered systemic problem, or is it just a few activists with attorneys? There are racists among Asians and Hispanics, Blacks, or African Americans; there are racists among Whites, or Caucasians. Prejudice and racism is probably in every person of every race in some way, and some quantity or another and anyone who says "I'm not racist or prejudiced because I look at the person" is probably not being totally honest. It’s kind of like when someone says, “It’s not about the money,” and you immediately discern that it is all about the money.

Are Americans really keeping racist team names on their front burners? Or are they are too busy working to afford milk for their kids, or gas for their tanks? The fear mongers love talking about it. Journalists, professors, community organizers, and others should probably break the habit of demanding a moral imperative to keep racism on the fore front, whether it’s Indian names, Mexican children in southern Arizona warehouses, poor inner-city Black people, or disadvantaged Appalachians.

C’mon people, grow a tomahawk, would ya? Plunk down the $106 for a ticket to watch Washington play on opening day against the Texans, and root for the “R-G-three-ers,” and his running back, a Seminole from Florida State.

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