Tool Academy 2, episode 4: Appreciate this!

Have I mentioned how much I love this show? Just in case I haven't, Tool Academy is awesome!

What makes it so wonderful? Well, tonight started with more of the Charm versus Everybody Else saga. Everybody Else wakes up and decides to enjoy a hearty breakfast. The tools work together to scramble eggs and fry various meats, and they all sit down with their plates to eat together.

Except for Charm.

Charm sits at the table--sans food--and tries to re-assimilate with the group. All of the cave-tools clutch their plates tighter and ignore him. Ah, Neanderthal justice--so simple, yet so effective.

Once breakfast is over, the tools are assembled in the therapy room. All of the girlfriends are missing, and Trina sort of looks like she is dressed for a funeral--because she is! In order to drive home this week's lesson of appreciation, all of the tools will attend their girlfriends' mock funerals. Each is confronted by a casket and a TV screen. The tools watch their girlfriends explain how they felt under-appreciated in their relationships before they have to deliver an impromptu eulogy over the casket of their pretend-deceased girlfriend. Because nothing is ever as simple as it seems, the girlfriends are actually hidden inside the caskets listening to what the tools have to say. After each tool finishes speaking, Trina opens the casket to reveal the tearful girlfriend within.

Out of the nine tools, eight-and-a-half perform admirably, and the tears flow freely as most of the tools really think about what life would be like without their girlfriend. Stew takes the whole idea of a funeral seriously--she's in God's hands now--but seems to miss the point of the exercise since he never really tells Amanda what he appreciates about her. Still, Amanda's moved by his sentiments that if she died she'd be in a better place. (These two are so wrong for anyone else but so right together.) Mike, though, seems uncomfortable with the idea of committing to the exercise and reveals in a solo interview that just because his girlfriend is dead doesn't mean what's in his pants has also kicked the bucket. Yeah! I will survive! We see Trina mentally make a frowny-face on Mike's chart.

Remember what comes after therapy? Tool free-time. In the last several episodes, this has involved heavy drinking and random acts of toolishness. This time, however, the guys play football. Could it be these tools are actually growing up?

Meanwhile, though, Jordan arrives at the Girls' Villa to tell the ladies surprise! Y'all going on dates with real gentlemen! Some of the girls freak--my tool is not going to like this; some of the girls are curious--nice date, nice guy, huh? But Christina (Frank's girlfriend) is out for sweet revenge--she's dressed to impress and is ready to give Frank a taste of his own medicine.

Later that evening, the tools are assembled out front of the mansion. Jordan says their girlfriends are going on the date of a lifetime. The tools think, oh goody, I'll get to take my girlfriend on a really nice date paid for by VH1! Except--no! You nine are tools, remember? Instead of sending you on dates, we're bringing in nine more-or-less attractive, well-mannered, tuxedoed gents to wine and dine your ladies. Even better, you will each get to watch! Fun, right? Some of the tools think not.

Specifically, Frank, Mike, and 'Roid Rage Poster Child (me smash hand through glass light then later me have lots of bandages on hand) are none too pleased with this turn of events. Fanning the fire, the nine gents can't keep from cracking grins--Frank: They're f***ing smirking at me!--every time one of the tools gets a little more irate. Finally The Three Musketeers (guess who is this week's bottom three?) can't hold it in any longer and they charge the nine gents. The tuxedoed guys scatter and a football-team's worth of producers and security personnel appear out of thin air to restrain the tools. An entire squadron tackles Jon to the ground, one lone guy staves off Frank, and a handful of people are needed to restrain Mike. At least something good comes out of the tool revolt: Tyler discovers his calling as a crime scene negotiator. Look at me, man. Let it go. His magic weapon? Hugs!

The execs bring out the cattle prods and eventually all of the tools are corralled back inside the mansion. Some are pissed: I wanna see this! Some have accepted their fate. Terry sobs on his bunk with (what looks like) a beer in hand. Tyler to the rescue! The distraught tools are shepherded into the living room (thanks in no small part to Tyler) to watch the dates. The cameras cut to Trina observing from the therapy room. Usually, she looks very calm and professional. Tonight, though, even she can't help but smile at the justice that is about to be doled out. Let's remember, though, that the girls already watched their tools misbehave with borrowed bimbos during the fidelity challenge. Let's also recall that the girls watched their tools take body shots off of-, kiss, and do whatever the heck it was Stew did (see here, middle of the page, if you don't remember) with the hired hussies. The dates begin:

Nicole: The highlight of the date is when Nicole's gent gives her a hand massage. Terry flips out like he had just watched them, well, do something way more offensive than a hand massage.

Amanda: She's thrilled to be on a nice date! Stew can't even take her anywhere because he doesn't have car! Her date complements her unusual facial piercing, and Stew mutters yeah, it's an S-for Stew. Again, so wrong yet so right.

Andrea: Charm giggles throughout the entire date. The other tools glare at him since he's clearly not taking this seriously.

Shannon: Much like Christina, she's also using this date as a wake-up call. Shannon shares with her date that she never gets treated like this and that she wishes Dan would plan dates more. Dan exclaims she knows my situation! She knows how much thinking is a problem for me. You've got to have an idea for a date, then figure out what to do with the idea, then walk and talk at the same time. Damn, I gotta think of more stuff for us to do.

Sarah: She purposely doesn't have much fun on her date because she knows Jon is ready to crush cars with his teeth. Jon actually takes watching the date pretty well. Probably because he's doped up on painkillers for his hand.

Christina: Frank is crushed: it's like she wasn't even thinking about me! He can't believe it! He always thought about her when he cheated on her! More deliciously, Christina and her date have fantastic chemistry and she flirts like she's a single woman. She has a point to prove to Frank and prove it she does. He finally storms out of the room when he can't take the punishment anymore. Tyler makes sure he has a hug ready.

Leah: When Leah's date asks if Dre P can provide for her and her daughter, her silence and then her giggles speak volumes. Dre P realizes he better get a degree and a job like pronto.

Rebecca: Last but not least, we see Mike's girlfriend on her date. Rebecca's date kisses her hand in greeting. Tyler tries some pre-emptive hugging with a reassuring grip on Mike's shoulder. It doesn't work. They call in the big guns: Jon tucks Mike into his armpit in a mega-hug, but even that is not enough. Mike runs out of the room and out of the house. He lays in the grass in the sprinklers. He rips his shirt off. He claims Rebecca's the slut and the cheater and she needs to be going home.

(Shealyn also goes on a date and Tyler handles watching it well. I didn't jot anything down--remember, elliptical machine--so I can't list her in order.)

Before elimination, the guys pick up what's left of their egos and try to rally. In the elimination ceremony, Dre P, Stew, and Tyler pass with flying colors, and Terry, Charm, and Dan pass with some admonishment from Trina. The Three Musketeers are in the bottom three and Trina swings into maximum mama mode. Jon L: shame on you for breaking school property. Mike: tsk tsk for charging around like a boar. Frank: big boys don't throw temper tantrums. Ultimately Mike--my pick--is eliminated. Now, before elimination he swores he was going to dump Becky. See how he flip-flips: after he is eliminated he begs her to take him back. He promises to change. She's his number one priority! The other girls standing on the sidelines wonder if making puking noises would be inappropriate. Becky stays with Mike, but the crossed arms suggest she knows she has made the wrong choice. Oh well, not all of the girlfriends have the requisite chutzpah to dump an un-reformed tool. Tune in next week to see what happens with the remaining eight tools, a challenge involving green slim, and Jon smash some more stuff!