The star of 'Turner and Hooch' may soon kill us all
Perenially-cheery Oscar-winning Hollywood personality Tom Hanks is all set to become death, the destroyer of worlds, when he flips the switch on the second iteration of the Large Hadron Collider.
Constructed by CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, the massive LHC project was designed to explore little-known elements of high-energy physics. The Collider’s primary objective is to prove the existence of the so-far hypothetical Higgs boson, more colorfully known as the God Particle. In essence, the experiment seeks to recreate the events scientists believe led to the Big Bang.
Now, I’m not against playing God, not by any means. As a lifelong atheist, I don’t even slightly believe in the old dude up in the clouds. But even I can see the LHC is a risky prospect. These guys ain’t splitting atoms here- they’re toying with the fabric of time and space, the basic building blocks of our existence. In theory, their experiment could end all life in the known Universe.
And now Mr. Hanks has been chosen as poster boy for their self-engineered Apocalypse.
Hanks visited CERN in mid February as part of his new project, an adaptation of renowned hack Dan Brown’s follow-up to The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons. The (wholly implausible) plot concerns the weaponized use of the Large Hadron Collider against the Vatican. Despite this less-than-positive publicity, those wacky world destroyers at CERN decided Hanks would be the ideal choice for the coveted position of ‘ON’ switch flipper.
Happily, the world has some time in which to get it’s affairs in order. The LHC is not scheduled to function until sometime in September of this year. Perhaps we’ll all luck out and the Collider will fail again, like it did last year, after only ten days of successful operation. Or perhaps this time they’ll prove the existence of the Higgs boson particle once and for all, shattering the Universe into a billion pieces in the process.
There are now only 1393 days left until the End of the World... unless Tom Hanks kills us all before then, of course.
Comments
I always thought that Tom Hanks is an incarnation of Siva or as the westernised version the Grim Reaper. Please understand that this does not make him the devil though. I've met the devil and Tom Hanks is not the devil to use a phrase. On the other hand the LHC will not produce a black hole capable of swallowing the earth. That is a null event with the LHC just as likely to produce dragons. However, if it did produce the doomsday scenario it would shut up all the whiney anti-science doomsdayers, naysayers and whatnots who complain incessantly (this includes stupid anti-science journalists)about the LHC before they could say 'I told you so..'. Then maybe we would have some peace and quiet.
Nothing but propaganda.
mark: "I always thought that Tom Hanks is an incarnation of Siva or as the westernised version the Grim Reaper."
You're thinking of Krisna (when he reveals himself to Arjuna in the Gita).
"That is a null event with the LHC just as likely to produce dragons."
Or tiny little elephants that you could keep as pets. That would be awesome.
Correction: Mark, I assumed you were talking about the "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds" quote. That was Krisna.
this is a perfect example of a little knowledge being a dangerous thing
Yes, Krsna tells this to Arjuna in his Revelation of God to man. But it is the destroyer aspect of one of the many appearances of God he refers to here which would be Siva. The Indian gods transform like water and very subtlety. So yes you are right too, but it is generaly taken to mean that this is Siva's statement.
mark
Neat Blog: I live in Memphis by the way.
There is a new Theory of Everything Breakthrough. It exposes the flaws in both Quantum Theory and String Theory. Please see: Theory of Super Relativity at www.superrelativity.org Einstein was right!
In my estimation Tom Hanks is a black hole-and I've had old lawn mowers that performed better than CERN.
CERN is just a big hole in the ground in Geneva into which everyone who believes in it pours money.
Wow! Ignorance at it's best. It's people like this guy (author of this article) that make me feel good about myself. With him around I know that, no matter how foolish I may act, there is someone out there who's crazier than me.
M, you're absolutely right. I believe that Tom Hanks will destroy the world. There is not an ounce of insincerity in the previous statement. Please act as foolish as you want, you could never attain the same heady heights of foolery as I. My humble apologies for my terrible ignorance, next time I shall endeavor to write an article without any element of whimsy. By the way, do you vote Republican by chance?
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