Togetherness or Space?
That is the question….
Now I want you, now I don’t….
For many couples in relationship, fights about how much quality time to spend together or apart is commonplace. Usually one partner is arguing for more time together, while the other is arguing for more time to him or herself.
There are two sides to this intimacy / freedom spectrum: there is a preference for intimacy or freedom, and there is a resistance to the other side. In other words, if I prefer intimacy and connection, I generally and simultaneously resist space and freedom – both for myself AND my partner.
This is complicated even further by the fact that our needs and desires are constantly in flux. Even if one partner has a preference for more connection or space than the other, personal space and connection needs can vary from day to day. For example, I may want more connection today, but more space tomorrow and the next day.
This dilemma often has a positive side. I just feel SO GOOD when we are together (or apart), that I want more of it. I want that feeling to stay and never leave. I want to hang on to that particular side of things!
But sometimes this dilemma is fueled by fear. I don’t want you to go away because I am afraid if you leave you will never come back.
The more couples fight, unfortunately, the more they solidify their own position and preference and the more they resist the opposite need of their partner. This pattern, in the end, only keeps the arguments (and dissatisfaction) going.
It is inevitable in relationship, given the vast spectrum on the intimacy / freedom scale, for couples to find themselves having differing needs for connection and space. Rarely do couples cross the balance point where they both want the same exact amount of time together and apart.
First, explore. Where are you on the spectrum?
Do you find yourself preferring connection and dreading separation? Do you resist or pout or make a scene when your partner needs space or pulls away emotionally? Do you forget to take care of yourself because you are so focused on being with your partner?
Or do you prefer being alone and dread too much time together? Do you make plans away from the relationship without consulting your partner? Do you stay up late to avoid going to bed at the same time? Do you resist intimacy or sexual overtures?
What is your general preference?
Now truth be told, both space and togetherness are essential for love’s continued expansion. It is essential for any expansion and growth.
Think about it.
Your heart muscle opens and closes.
Your lungs expand and contract.
Your muscles tense and relax.
The seasons come and go.
The moon waxes and wanes as the earth shifts.
The waves and tides come in and go out.
There is a natural ebb and flow to the ever-changing energies of life that keep things moving, evolving, growing…
The same is true in relationship.
Relationship needs to breathe. It needs to move. It needs the space to grow and change. It needs an out-breath and an in-breath. It needs togetherness and separateness. It needs freedom AND connection. That is why I believe the conversation is so present for most couples in relationship – because both aspects are so essential to mature, healthy love.
Think of it this way.
When you get attached to connection, and you resist taking space or allowing your partner to take space, is a bit like trying to not breathe out. It is impossible, for one, and if you do happen to be successful, you will die. Well the same is true of relationship. Your relationship will die without breath, without movement. It will die if you ONLY have togetherness or you ONLY have space.
Or here is another useful image.
When you get attached to space and freedom, and you resist coming together in complete union with your partner, it is a bit like trying to keep a wave from coming into the shore. Sure, you can build a dam to keep the water at bay with a lot of effort, but that wave is going to keep banging up against the wall over and over again for the rest of your life.
Imagine how it would be if you allowed for and celebrated both aspects? You come together and experience the most delightful magnificent bliss in deep intimacy and sex sometimes AND you go out and experience the depth of your time alone with God or with others. You breathe out and enjoy that breath out, and you breathe in and allow the breath in. Both aspects give, both are nourishing and both contribute to your expansion as individuals AND as a couple.
How that looks in relationship is not resisting or arguing for one or the other of these states.
If you are the connecting one in the relationship, instead of pulling for your partner to come back when he emotionally withdraws and pulls away for a bit, remind yourself that the wave is going out to sea. The wave is going back out to SOURCE and will return invigorated with new vibrant aliveness to add into the relationship. He is going out to sea FOR the health of the relationship. Remind yourself that he will be back – stronger, clearer, and more available for connection when he returns.
And if you are the space one in the relationship, instead of snubbing your partner’s overtures for connection, instead, FREELY step in with your appreciation for your partner’s open heart. Reward her love and desire for you by meeting her with your openness and availability.
When you do this, a wonderful synergistic alchemy emerges. Your togetherness builds and reinforces your freedom. Your closeness infuses your solitude with confidence, love and presence. And vice versa. Your time alone is this nourishing opportunity to refuel your connection with yourself and God, so that you are MORE available and open for love and intimacy when it comes to you.
Just as a deep in-breath allows for a deeper out-breath, so does intimacy allow for deeper freedom and spacious choice, and so does space and nourishing time alone feed the relationship with greater presence and vibrant heartfelt connection.
So don’t try to hang onto that wave or breath – no matter how good it feels. It will kill you and the relationship. Let the wave have its way. Remember, the wave ALWAYS comes back to shore, always goes back to SOURCE. Trust that whatever you prefer will come back around, and enjoy the blessed ride along the way.