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To the majority of men who send me messages on OkCupid


I feel the need to tell you that I’m probably not the girl you’re looking for. It will save us both time and energy - you from crafting your message (which I can tell required at least ten seconds of mental work), and me from reading it (plus the emotional cost of experiencing initial excitement upon discovering a message from a would-be suitor followed by extreme disappointment upon the reading of said message) - if in the future, you would save your missives for a more likely match.

For whatever reason, you saw my profile, and it spoke to you. No doubt it was the combination of thoughtfulness, wry wit, and spot-on movie choices. It’s a great profile. It’s got just the right mixture of playful irreverence and charming sincerity, displaying my intelligence and sense of humor in a way that is both impressive and non-threatening. I don’t blame you for being instantly won over and convinced that I’m someone with whom you could have a meaningful relationship. Hell, I’d date me if I could.

So clearly you have good taste, which, I admit, is a point in your favor. It is, however, your message of “Your hot” which leads me to believe that ours might be an ill-fated union. Now, I’m the kind of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt, and I would hate to wrongly accuse you of grammatical inaccuracy. Indeed, the lack of ending punctuation in your message implies that perhaps you were prematurely cut off from finishing your intended communication; it could certainly be the case that your finger slipped and accidentally hit “send,” thus truncating what I assume would have been something like “Your hotness is only surpassed by the delightful personality that shines through in your profile.” Similarly, I will allow for the possibility that upon unintentionally sending the first word and a half of this message, you were called away - perhaps to perform some heroic act (rescuing a puppy from a well?) - and therefore unable to send me a follow up, which, had you been able to send it, would undoubtedly have light-heartedly referenced the fact that the first message made it seem as though you didn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” which is obviously ridiculous and hilarious, because I mean, you’re an educated person in your late twenties to mid thirties.

So, okay, I won’t jump to conclusions about that. But it’s the other message you sometimes send that concerns me more. I am of course referring to your command/suggestion of “Let’s hump.” While I admire your confidence and forthrightness, I fear we may be looking for different things here. I have joined this dating site to find someone with whom I have a connection, with whom I can talk and laugh and open up to, someone who loves giving massages but doesn’t want reciprocation, who is a great cook, is smart but not pretentiously intellectual, like, for example, he’s probably read several Murakami books but not the whole canon, who is goofy but kind of chill, dresses well but isn’t too well dressed, if you know what I mean, like he shouldn’t always wear button-down shirts and by no means should he wear tight, skinny jeans, who has broad shoulders and nice arms but isn’t too muscly and has some hair on his chest, who is definitely not vegan and, let’s be honest, not vegetarian either, who probably has a great dog and who might possibly have been brought up Jewish but isn’t actually religious at all, who will give me a run for my money when we play Boggle but won’t actually beat me the majority of the time, who isn’t an asshole, per se, but who has somewhat of an edge and isn’t too nice, I mean he’s nice, of course, but he isn’t too nice, you know? and who has done some backpacking around, say, Central America, and who can fix my bike when I need him to. That’s all I’m here for.

It’s just that when you say, “Let’s hump,” it feels as though you’re not really interested in an actual relationship with me and, I hate to suggest it, but it’s as if you didn’t even read my profile and are only reaching out because you liked my picture (thanks for appreciating it, by the way; it's a precious and miraculous anomaly among lots of photos of me in which I'm making an expressive and decidedly unsexy face and usually opening my big mouth). Now, again, I don’t want to make any unfounded claims about your character. After all, maybe you’ve been on this dating site for years, looking for that special person who meets all of your quite reasonable criteria and have gone on date after date that was perfectly fine but mostly just underwhelming. Maybe you’re just longing for some physical communion with another human being and then, of course, you’re being put upon all the time by people asking you to save their puppies, and so in a desperate, last-ditch effort, you said f*ck it and put it all out there by sending this one message to this awesome-looking woman, even though you knew it was pretty uncouth and probably wouldn’t get a response, but for the love of god, is it so much to ask to just bump uglies with another person who likes The Wire and reads Cormac McCarthy and knows what Ladysmith Black Mambazo is?

That could definitely be the case. In fact, when I think about it, that’s probably the case.

So forget what I said earlier about not messaging me. I might be just the girl you’re looking for. Let’s hump.


Your Portland Twenty-Something

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