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To Ditch Or Not To Ditch- Romance Advice Request Answered

I received another request for dating advice a few weeks ago via comment, however I just got it today so I apologize for taking so long to respond. Side note: If you need advice the best way to get a hold of me is email, SarahAshleyCarter@gmail.com.

Here is the comment/question I received:

“i started talking to this guy about a year ago and we totally hit it off. we starting dating and as things got a little more serious, i fell more in love with him each day. he's been dealt a pretty crappy hand as far as relationships go. he told me at one point in our "relationship" that had no official title, and was never declared exclusive, that he had thought about asking me to marry him. he then decided to tell me, in the same conversation, that the "spark" he once had for me is gone. only problem is... im still head over heals in love with him. we say i love you, he called me sweetheart and babe, etc. but has told me he wants to find love, and it's not with me, he wants me to still a best friend. im not trying to justify anything, but i feel like we are together so much that its almost hurt us in a sense that we dont have time to miss each other... i feel like if i give him a chance to miss me he might realize what he is missing out on. should i hold out hope or drop him?” – Anonymous

I don’t want to be harsh, but get out now! There are few red flags in this situation that I want to point out. One: He said he wanted to marry you when you hadn’t even declared yourselves exclusive and also said you guys lost the spark… in the same conversation. Clearly, he doesn’t know what he wants and he’s totally confused. Two: He said he wants to find love elsewhere, meaning, not with you. Three: Even after saying these things, he still says “I love you” and hangs around.

His actions not only mean that he’s completely confused, but they also mean he is very selfish. Let me elaborate. He said he was thinking about marriage, which requires a lifetime of commitment, yet you’ve only been hanging out for a year and he already thinks you’ve lost the “spark.” This is clearly not right and it’s a sign that he doesn’t think his actions through. He also told you that he wants to meet other people, yet still says “I love you” and calls you sweetheart and babe. He’s either confused or trying to keep your around as a backup.

If someone says they want to see other people, I take that as they are breaking up with you. When someone continues to say “I love you” and calls you pet names, they aren’t acting like an ex, they are trying to keep you around so that if they do go out into the world looking for other people to be with, and they can’t find anyone, they still have you on the bench, ready to get back in the game. Get what I’m saying? You’re the backup and he’s stringing you along by saying these sweet things to you and saying he wants to be “best friends,” just in case his plan to find the perfect person backfires. If he can’t find anyone else, he still doesn’t have to worry about being alone because you’re just stilling there waiting for him, absolutely miserable. This is so unfair to you and even though I don’t know you, I know you deserve better than that. No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect.

My advice to you is to ditch this guy. I know you think you are in love with him, and you might be now, but once you take time to get away from him, you’ll realize what you felt for him wasn’t love, it was infatuation. No one who loves you would treat you so unfairly. To make matters worse, when he “broke up” with you, he stuck around and didn’t even let you go through the grieving period you need to go through in order to get over him properly. You say he’s in your life so much that you can’t even miss him, but you probably feel like you should miss him because your relationship has changed. You need to mourn the loss of the romantic relationship you had with him, (probably for at least a good 6 months if you’ve been together a year), and after the romantic love is gone, THEN you can start trying to be friends, if you feel like you still want to. Who knows, maybe in that time you saw him for the jerk he really is and don’t want anything to do with him anymore. All I’m saying is, tell him you need a break from seeing him because you need to allow yourself time to get over him. He might respect this, and he might not. Tell him when you want to talk to him, you’ll call him. Then the ball is in your court. I suggest you hang out with friends, take time to pamper yourself, find a new hobby or activity, do anything to keep yourself busy and not thinking about him. If he won’t stop calling you, don’t answer. Hopefully he will eventually stop calling. If he doesn’t and you’re finding that it’s way too hard to get over him when you’re seeing his name come up on your phone every day, call your cell phone carrier, tell them that number is harassing you, and they can probably block it. Might seem harsh but this is going to be what’s best for you in the long run. Once you take time away from him, you’ll realize he wasn’t the one and you are going to find someone else out there who will treat you better and think you are 100% good enough for them just how you are. Hope this helps, good luck!

If anyone else needs an objective opinion about a relationship problem they're having, email me at SarahAshleyCarter@gmail.com. Thanks for reading!

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