Apparently, Honey Boo Boo and her family are so powerful they can not only dominate timeslots and break ratings, but also stop the flow of time. That seems to be the only reason for a first week of January premiere date for the “Honey Boo Boo Halloween” special. I guess TLC has “redneck-ognized” where their bread is buttered, so to speak. We’ll also get the Thanksgiving and Christmas specials this month on TLC.
The show starts with Pumpkin climbing under the house to get something disgusting, which she uses to wake up Mama and the rest of the family. We find out Sugar Bear has a foot injury from a four-wheeler wreck, and he’s been off work for a month, which is wearing thin on Mama.
The family puts out their Halloween decorations and goes to a pumpkin patch, where they ride in little cow-painted cars pulled by a four-wheeler through what appears to be a dirt storm. The girls decide to get a pumpkin that looks like Mama, so they pick one so big they can’t pick it up.
Pumpkin: Roll it just like we have to do with Mama down the stairs.
Chubbs: The pumpkin is wop-sided. It’s flat and then it’s…pfft. You know. It’s like her stomach…without a second stomach.
Mama: I’m not wop-sided. I’m just curviness…and beautimous.
They wind up playing dodgeball and driving off without Sugar Bear, who sits behind feeding baby Kaitlyn.
Back at the house, Mama wants to dye her hair blonde and since it costs a few hundred dollars, she’s going to let the girls do it. There’s a nice bonding moment between Mama and Honey Boo Boo, followed by two minutes of the family screaming at each other over the smell, and getting chemicals in Mama’s face.
Sugar Bear: Seeing June as a blonde would definitely make my loins perk up. (Spits)
Honey Boo Boo brings the newly-blonde Mama in to see Sugar Bear, and he’s quite impressed. TLC gives us a truly horrifying before-after shot of her, where the “before” picture looks kind of like Nick Nolte’s mugshot. It’s not so much the blonde hair dye that makes Mama look nice as it is the actual brushing of her hair for a change.
Sugar Bear: I’m in attack mode tonight.
Mama: Frisky McBrisky. We don’t do that kind of business in our house.
Sugar Bear: We can always go out in the yard.
Sugar Bear is inspired to get her a Halloween costume, which she says she won’t wear.
Uncle Poodle comes over to help them carve pumpkins.
Uncle Poodle: The pumpkin carving skills of the family is pretty good. I’m the best though…‘cause I’m Uncle Poodle.
Just like every other time the family does something in the front yard, the event turns into a good-natured fight. This time it’s pumpkin guts being hurled and rubbed into everyone’s faces and hair. And in one occasion, Chubbs’ butt crack. For laughs, Poodle puts June’s pumpkin on his head, then realizes he can’t get it off. The family finally goes inside and leaves him sitting on the front porch, his head enveloped by the giant wop-sided pumpkin. Pretty funny visual.
Poodle finally slams his pumpkin head down onto the porch a couple of times, opening up the shell enough that he can pry his head loose.
Sugar Bear: Like the birth of a baby.
Next, we find out Mama’s big fear…she is terrified of mayonnaise. The girls decide to get her to conquer the fear, so Honey Boo Boo pours out three big jars of mayo into a bowl, which is fairly disgusting. This segment is not exactly sponsored by Hellman’s.
Mama explains she can eat mayo in things, but only if she didn’t make the food herself. Her childhood babysitter had her eat mayonnaise sandwiches for every meal.
Mama: I can’t talk about it…it is making my flesh crawl.
Well, it’s not having a positive affect on us either, Mama. I’ve eaten mayo all of my life but after hearing your sandwich story, and watching Honey Boo Boo pour about a half gallon of mayo onto your kitchen floor, I’m considering swearing off the stuff myself.
The family gets into an argument about whether or not vegetarians eat mayonnaise, or “marannaise” as they repeatedly refer to it. Honey Boo Boo brings in the giant bowl of mayo, and Mama freaks out and runs off. Having Honey Boo Boo eat it off the spatula like ice cream doesn’t help, either.
This show may not only have ruined television, it may have also destroyed my enjoyment of sandwiches.
(For part two of this article, please click here.)