Tips for tackling the tough subject of sex with your young child

Recently, there was a series of indecent exposures in my nephew’s kindergarten class at an East Valley elementary school.  At the beginning of the school year, a group of boys had been talked to for “mooning” each other and things had progressed to showing each other their penises.  For the record, my nephew was not one of the offenders but was the snitch who made the adults aware of what was happening.  The teacher had had talks with the class about how the behaviors were inappropriate and when that didn’t help, she eventually called in the school social worker to have a talk with the class about not showing their “private parts”.  Although the kids took this talk very seriously, I can’t help but question the parents’ role in the continuation of this behavior.

At ages 5 and 6, games of doctor and I’ll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours are quite common and often innocent ways of exploring their bodies and learning about others’ bodies.   Despite the normalcy of the behaviors, parents still have a responsibility to set boundaries and talk with their children about sex.  Though I don’t know all the details, this incident in my nephew’s class seems to indicate a lack of parental involvement or at least a lack of boundaries and information.  Talking to you children about sex can be stressful and, for some, embarrassing.  With such young children, it may be tough to figure out how much information is appropriate to give.  Here are some tips for talking with your young children about sex.

1.  Start early.  If you make sexuality a regular topic of conversation from a young age, it helps decrease the stigma of talking about.  You'll be more relaxed about it and your kids will be more comfortable coming to you with questions. 
2. Talking about sex doesn’t just mean intercourse.  With young children, “sex talks” start simply with giving children the correct names of body parts instead of nicknames and setting boundaries, for example letting children when it is not appropriate to be naked.  Giving kids the actual names of body parts (penis, vagina, etc) also helps take the shame out of sexuality.
3. Provide honest information.  Giving true information obviously helps children to understand their bodies and sexuality better and, just like with giving them the correct names of body parts, lets them know that there is no shame in sex or with their bodies. 
4. Don’t give too much information.  For young children, they generally don’t need lengthy explanations about sexuality or body functions.  Keep your answers simple and use age appropriate terms.  Give them enough information to answer their questions but not enough to make their little heads spin.  To steal an analogy from my high school English teacher, it should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to keep their attention and long enough to cover everything.  To make sure that you gave enough information, ask your child if you answered his question.
5. Use teachable moments.  For example, bath time and dressing are good times to talk about body parts.  Talking about things as they happen will help reinforce ideas for children more than bringing it up later or out of context.

If you find that you are struggling with what to say or how to explain things, check your local library for books on sexuality geared towards kids.  You can also check with Planned Parenthood Arizona for their workshops helping to education parents on how to talk to their children about sex.

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