Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
~Cherie Carter-Scott
I used to criticize my husband all the time for being angry. I hated being around him because he was so angry. I told myself I wasn’t angry. In fact, he was just mirroring all the anger I had inside and had “stuffed.” He was expressing it and I wasn’t.
Recently we began couple’s therapy. We’ve talked about a lot of the things that make us or have made us angry over the years. We simply have expressed our anger in words, and we went away not feeling quite as angry.
Why? We were able to forgive each other for the things that we had previously felt angry about.
In the process, I know I feel I have grown. I’m not the person I was before I told my husband about my anger and hurt. (Hurt always lies underneath our anger; anger is just our way of covering it up.) I have changed and my heart has become larger, more open. I’m no longer so angry, so I have the ability to be more loving. And I’m more understanding of my husband. I’m also more conscious of where my anger comes from and how to prevent myself from feeling angry again—and expressing it in negative ways.
How can you move out of anger and into forgiveness? Here are three ways to start the forgiveness process:
- Write down the things about which you feel angry.
- Figure out what hurt lies underneath this anger.
- Express this hurt and anger to the person in a safe place and in a nonjudgmental or accusatory manner using “I” statements. (Make it about you, not about him or her.)
Then let it go! Simply don’t hang on to it.
If you have to cry or bang your fists into a pillow beforehand, fine. Do this prior to talking to the person you felt anger toward. Once you have expressed those negative emotions, then talk to them and then hug, kiss, and let it go. Leave it behind and allow yourself to become someone new.
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