How seemingly effortlessly the "I love you's" can morph into the "I hate you's." What were once loving and meaningful gazes have now turned into resentful eye rolls. While this experience is true for many a couples, thruples, or otherwise...my current breakup experience is providing new insight into relationships because for me, things have just been "different."
I apologize for my writing hiatus; rest assured I am back and I have A LOT to talk about! My ex-fiance or "XF" and I mutually decided to end our relationship. Some months ago when we were discussing writing our own vows, we scoffed at the normal wedding lingo of "'Til death do us part." I jokingly, although partially truthfully responded "Til we no longer make each other happy." And really...that's how we got to where we are. Our relationship no longer felt connected; I felt disconnected. I came to the realization that I wanted and needed to be with someone who believes I deserve the world; because I believe I deserve the world. I also believe that my partner deserves the same. Additionally, I also realized that I was not going to settle for anything less than what I believed I deserved. While together, I genuinely believe we gave each other everything we could - but in the end, through no real fault of our own, at least I don't assign fault, love just wasn't enough. Consequently, when I was out holiday shopping with one of my girlfriends, I happened to stumble upon a paperweight globe similar to this one. Of course I bought it!
When I was a teenager, the thought of living with someone before marriage was an "absolutely not" in my mind. Oddly, the idea didn't stem from any moral or religious perspective; but rather from an independent, feminist, one. Though still living together feels like we're merely prolonging the inevitable grieving process, as a now late 20 something year-old, I would tell teenager me that living together was not a mistake because really, who could pass up instant access to getting laid? And, of course, the compassion, the support, the laughter, the fun - the good times.
Breaking up has actually been "easy," but probably because it doesn't feel like we've actually broken up. There were no setting clothes on fire tantrums; no putting pink dye in each other's shampoo bottles; no disrespectful or intentionally hurtful words; no nasty text messages, prank calls, or spiteful instances. We still go grocery shopping together; we cook together; we even watch our shows together. For the holidays, we're even exchanging a gift a night for Chanukkah. This is the weirdest breakup ever...EVER...in breakup history! Admittedly, initially I was really scared to call things off. All of those "racing thoughts" that I hear my patients describe were now suddenly scrolling through my mind: "Am I making the right decision? Did we try hard enough? I'm wearing the ring. The ring! What happens to the ring? We just had our engagement photo shoot and the wedding venue is booked. Can we really turn back now? Can't we just see how things go and wait for things to get better? What if we just took the wedding piece off the table for now?" Fortunately I was less concerned about how I perceived how others would perceive our decision; thank you feminism 101! But still, I was scared, uncertain, felt alone, and utterly confused.
Several people whom are close to me have recently ended their relationships, including some divorces. Something in the air, perhaps? I wish I had an answer or at least some half assed explanation. Truth is, I just suspect the same thing that happened in my relationship happened in theirs: one or both of the people were no longer happy. Happiness, however, is a relative term; and levels of happiness normally fluctuates throughout the course of any relationship. My advice is this:
1. Ask: "Why am I unhappy? What am I unhappy about? What part am I and is my partner playing in this? What am I/are we willing to do to change? Do we want to change? If things don't change, what will this relationship look like 5-10-40 years from now?"
2. Communicate: I'm unhappy because...I'm feeling disconnected because. Don't ignore your gut. If you're having doubts, express them. The worst thing anyone could do is move forward, waste money on a wedding, potentially marry the wrong person to just spend more money on the divorce. BLAH!
3. Assert your needs and know your priorities: Asserting your needs means you accept that it's OK to be selfish sometimes. It means you understand the value of compromise in relationships so far as you know that our needs are important and if they're not being met, why are we in this relationship in the first place?
4. Have foresight! Again, what if things don't change? Though we only went to one therapy session, that was the question that really hit home for me. I knew, in that moment, that my feelings were already starting to change and I was starting to check out emotionally. I asked myself, what if the therapist is right? What if things don't change? What will our relationship truly look like in 5 years? For some couples, things can and do get better. For me, even though things didn't work out, like Adele sings, "Regrets and mistakes they're memories made." Though my relationship was not a mistake nor a regret, the experiences are surely memories and learning lessons made!
While this breakup hasn't been all that hard (yet), at least by comparison to previous breakup disasters...I am still convinced that things will be OK. I am convinced that breakups are not life-ending happenings that we cannot recover from. It just takes time.......and possibly some chocolate too! So, for all you peeps still happily in love, engaged, married, or whatevs...rock on and keep working at it until you are truly no longer happy! For those who decide to end their relationships, know that things will be OK!
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