In therapy school I learned a lot of really awesome and helpful techniques on how to improve communication, how to instill hope, and how to help couples navigate through their own periods of funk. The most important thing I learned, however, is that I cannot be my partner’s personal therapist nor our sex therapist! While I am many things to him: lover, partner, friend, confidant, and fiancée soon to be wife, our therapist I am not!
Being engaged and planning a wedding is new for the both of us, as it is for many couples. I’ve often heard “If you can make it to the wedding, you’re golden!” Well, many people “make it” to the wedding just to make it to divorce court! I’d rather take a rain check, thanks!
According to Project Wedding, stress, anxiety, and fatigue are common causes of the wedding woes; which are primarily brought on by family disagreements about everything from having a DJ versus a band; the budget, guest list, and wedding venue; to making sure grandma has a corsage. For my partner and I, the majority of our disagreements revolve around finances, location, and managing everyone else’s opinions on what our special day should be like. I have been struggling to avoid taking opinions personally (because let’s face it, opinions are like A-holes, everyone’s got one!)…but sometimes it is really difficult when the subject matter is extremely personal. And since we’re planning a future together, it’s likely that there will be lots of other people’s opinions along the way.
Which brings me to a couple of important realizations and brings us to our first couple’s counseling session. First, therapy school taught me that the majority of couples who enter therapy are entering because they’ve reached their emotional limits and view therapy as their last resort. We are going not because this is our last ditch effort to find salvation, but rather because this is really our first major relationship bump and hearing another person’s perspective on the situation can offer insight that neither myself nor my partner may have been aware of. That information can then be mental noted, bolded, highlighted, or whatever, for future conflict resolution references.
Secondly, setting boundaries is important for any relationship – but umm, not only is there no school for how to manage relationships; but there is no school to teach boundary setting! So while therapy speak is familiar to me, it’s not to my fiancé. A therapist can offer education on communication techniques and strategies for boundary setting by facilitating an environment that is emotionally safe; where both people’s needs are being addressed; and by emphasizing the significance of compromise, negotiation, and communication.
Lastly, sometimes in the heat of an argument, couples lose perspective on what actually is important. Sometimes couples start arguing about something with legit significance but then wind up bickering over BS – like grandma’s corsage! A therapist can help couples refocus and reprioritize. Umm, what is YES, Alex?
So yes, even a trained therapist can benefit from therapy because BOUNDARIES are important and because often times my responses come from “regular fiancée me” and not “therapist me” (as they should in my own relationship)!
Need advice? Have a question about sex, sexuality, relationships, or otherwise? Feel free to email Cassie with your questions, concerns, rants & raves @ sexgurucsw@gmail.com. After all, she IS your SexGuru!
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