A Royal Rumble retrospective giving us the stats and some 197,000# of flesh…I did not know Vickie Guerrero was ever in one.
Here we go with the Royal Rumble…and out comes The Miz and he stumbles in his opening promo and again the lame ass “what” crap starts. Thank you Steve Austin…ugh. Oh joy, Alex Riley is out at number two and here…we…go. Riley on the attack punches and so forth, tries to toss Miz but does not happen. Miz on the attack now and tosses Riley but he hangs on and then gets pushed out by Miz so Riley is gone and Miz is waiting on number three.
R-Truth is on his way out…maybe he should change his name to K-Spice but anyway he goes on the attack and tries to toss Miz but he hangs on. Truth tries again Miz hangs on and here comes Cody Rhodes, could there be two more boring people in the ring with Miz? Rhodes on the attack and going after Truth, holds him for Miz and both are on the attack. Rhodes hanging outside the ring on the apron while Miz and Truth go at it in the ring.
Here comes Justin Gabriel…who? Anyway he hits the top rope and splashes Miz and Truth and then gets his “crap” in until he is caught by Rhodes. Paired off Rhodes and Who, Miz and Truth and Primo comes out starts hitting clotheslines, leg drops and so on. What happened to the days when you were not supposed to bump in a battle royale?
Miz just dumped Truth out and Truth drags him out under the ropes and dropped him to the floor. Match has slowed somewhat and here comes Mick Foley…ugh. Foley has a Cactus Jack shirt on, perhaps he read my comments earlier…Primo just went out. Rhodes and Foley taking it to one another, the good old bang bang. I think Booger T said something about Foley got a real pop…like soda pop? With Booger it is hard to tell.
Foley and Gabriel trying to get Rhodes out and here comes Alberto Del Rio, well, no, it is Ricadro in a broken down jalopy. Everyone in the ring is standing around watching this goof make his way to the ring. Ricardo starts in sissy slapping Rhodes and goes to Gabriel to get drop kicked and those two, Ricadro and Gabriel are sissy fighting, Gabriel is gone. Cole said Ricardo is his favorite superstar, maybe they should enter into a relationship, I can do the ceremony.
Santino is in next, this is now the Fruit Loop match…Foley is just watching the two sissy men play with each other. Santino pulls a wedgie on Ricardo and sends him out so it is Mick, Santino going after their socks, it is a sock-off. Rhodes and Miz are playing dead and Epico makes his way out to the ring to be hit by the worst clothesline ever by Santino. Epico is quick in and out thanks to Foley. Miz and Rhodes woke up and are taking it to Foley and Santino who was just tossed by Rhodes.
Foley has socko on Miz and gets caught in the back and put out by Rhodes…Cole said Foley was missing his AARP meeting, is Lawler feeding him lines? Kofi Kingston is out next…flipping and flying and leaping and jumping and dancing…where is the wrestling? Kofi tries to toss Miz but he hangs on and Rhodes goes into Kingston. Rhodes trying to get Kofi out and gets help from Miz but here comes Jerry Lawler, oh surprise, surprise. Lawler immediately caught by Rhodes and ducks a Miz punch and now Lawler is on the attack.
Booger T is marking out for the strap drop…Rhodes puts him out quickly enough and thank you for that. Rhodes back on the attack with Kofi and here comes Ezekiel Jackson who is one big dude. He goes to work on Miz and Rhodes and then Kofi. Should be a law against someone being as big as Jackson who is huge even though he looks a little flabby from the last time I saw him. Jackson just working everyone right now and here is Jinder Mahal. By the time he gets to the ring it will be time for someone else to make their way out. Okay I am already bored with the Taj Mahal…and he has not even gotten into the ring yet.
Taj on the attack with Jackson and Kofi…the Great Kahli is out next, wow, so not impressed with the “surprises” as of yet…
Taj Mahal is out and so is Jackson courtesy of Kahli…Hunico is out next and I cannot stand him or his stupid bicycle. Kahli steps on Hunico..Kofi with Miz…Kahli trying to get Miz out and out next is Booger T, now who would have ever thought that? How can Michael Cole be so surprised that they are in the Rumble when they have been sitting next to him in their gear? Seriously?
Booger getting a chant…Booger T, Booger T, Booger T…say what? Yes I mean we cannot understand what you say. Kofi is out but lands on his hands and hand walks back to the steps to save himself, now that was a NICE SPOT. Ziggy Stardust is out next with Vickie ButtButtButt Guerrero…her ass is three times as wide as a normal woman. Hunico almost out but saves himself…just a mess right now Kahli, Ziggy, Booger, Rhodes, Miz, Kofi and Hunico all battling and here comes “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.
Duggan must have gotten his trunks made at the same place Vickie got her panties…Duggan is gohoooooooing crazy. Yes, I am that clever…Duggan is out thanks to Rhodes and good-bye big blue man panties. Kahli and Booger are out thanks to Rhodes and out next is Michael Cole…Jesus, this is getting stupid, ridiculous and asinine.
Kharma is out next and she still looks pregnant…at least her ass does, maybe she and Vickie are having twins. Cole is going to eliminate himself to stay away from Kharma and Booger and Lawler jump up and trip Cole so he is out. Ziggy takes a big front suplex from Kharma and ButtButtButt jumps the apron and then back down. Kharma sends out Hunico and then Ziggy sends out Kharma…
Sheamus is out next and man, so pale you cannot see him so that should give him an advantage I would think. He is on a tear right now…Kofi, Rhodes, Miz, Ziggy and Sheamus are in the ring right now. Well, there goes Kofi thanks to Sheamus. BG James is out now…no surprise there either…and of course he is on the attack. I love my brother BG…he looks pretty good, better than Bryan Danielson any day of the week.
Jey Uso is out next and he gives BG James a butt bump…Sheamus trying to put out Ziggy Stardust but could not do so. BG trying to get Ziggy out…next one out is Jack Swagger and I am not timing this but the time between superstars seems to be all over the place. BG with Miz, Swagger with Sheamus and then Uso. Next out is Wade Barrett…funny how Ziggy, Swagger and Uso seem blown up and Rhodes and Miz have been in longer but seem more fresh.
Barrett put out BG James…was good while it lasted my brother. Some of Barrett’s kicks on Sheamus were just awful, there was more air in-between those kicks than in my youngest son’s attempt at shooting hoops. David Otunga is out now, he is a lawyer you know…and does not want to sign a pre-nuptial and marry Jennifer Hudson, who used to look like Kharma….yes, I am that clever.
Uso, Rhodes, Barrett, Ziggy, Miz, Swagger, Otunga, Sheamus and now out is Randy Orton the man from St. Louis and whose dad was a big part of that scene in the 70s. Orton is on fire putting everyone on their back and doing that stupid viper gimmick only to get caught by Rhodes. Orton with a double DDT on Ziggy and Rhodes then hits the RKO on Barrett then bye-bye Barrett. Coming out next is Chris Jericho and his flaming jacket, wonder what he is trying to tell us with that thing. Cole just said he was throwing blows and something physically. Otunga went flying out so see you later…
Swagger trying to get Sheamus out but he fights his way free and then switches and tries to get Swagger out to no avail. Just that quickly here comes number 30, The Big Show…this is starting to get like the worked PWI 500, just not enough to go around. Swagger is out and gets laid out by Show and that was before Show gets in the ring. He broke dat boy jaw dere dawg. Show puts out Rhodes and Miz after about 40 minutes for them both.
Show just tossed Ziggy out and we have Show, Jericho, Sheamus and Orton…remember Sheamus is the predicted winner but anything can happen now. Gang banging Show now but he tosses them off like dandruff. Show choke slams Jerciho but gets caught with an RKO. Orton just tossed Show and there goes Orton by Jericho. Jericho and Sheamus are left now…
Jericho and Sheamus are staring at the WrestleMania sign and stalking each other, Sheamus said something about flubber, taking a cue from Booger T’s Big Book of English. Sheamus has Jericho half way out but Jericho survives and hits a big kick off the top rope. Sheamus hits the backbreaker and thumps his chest…he thinks this is over. Sheamus tries the Celtic Cross but Jericho blocks and sends Sheamus to the apron, Sheamus trying to get back in the ring and pops Jericho but is still on the apron. Jericho charges and Sheamus hits him with a tackle and is now on the attack…
Sheamus picks up Jericho and hangs him over but Jericho is back in, Sheamus missed the big boot and gets caught in the Walls of Jericho. Jericho lets go and now he is sure as he raises his hand charges Sheamus and gets back dropped but hangs on to the ropes. Jericho climbs to the top rope on the outside, each fighting for position now. If Jericho falls he is out, Sheamus gets nutted on the ropes and both fall, Jericho rolls into the ring as does Sheamus.
Code Breaker by Jericho…not sure if that is backne or freckles on Sheamus…Jericho tries for a pin, seriously? Jericho choking Sheamus over the ropes but pure white gets back in. Jericho is bitch slapping Sheamus and he gets tossed but pulls himself back in to get caught with a big boot and Jericho is gone.
As predicted Sheamus is your 2012 Royal Rumble winner.
