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The Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix: A Man's Guide to Women

An alert reader sent a video to Life in the Boomer Lane titled “The Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix: A Man’s Guide to Women.” The chart was developed by Dana McLendon, a forty-something who looks like he spent a lot of time hugging the wall in social situations, trying to figure women out, before he decided to turn them into a two-dimensional chart.

The two dimensions consist of HOT and CRAZY. McLendon makes quick work of intelligence, sense of humor, political and social awareness, professional achievements, and whatever other areas misguided women might believe are advantageous in one’s quest for a meaningful relationship with the opposite sex. They are non-existent. HOT. CRAZY. Hot: Good. Crazy: Bad. That’s all you have to know.

The ‘Hot’ axis is measured on a scale of 1 to 10, while the ‘Crazy’ axis runs from 4 to 10, “because there is no such thing as a woman who is not at least a 4 Crazy,” McLendon says. By plotting where on the matrix a woman falls, she can be identified as anything from the female version of Chernobyl (stay hundreds of miles away and wear protecting clothing) all the way to marriageable material. But marriageable isn’t even the pinnacle. There are two categories above marriageable. The next to the top slot is Unicorn. The very top spot, meaning a woman who is insanely hot AND not at all crazy, is a guy, in other words, a tranny.
In a nutshell: In order to be a perfect woman, you have to not be a woman.

LBL found the presentation to be both offensive and hilarious at the same time,depending whether her ice cream was in the freezer or being shoveled into her mouth during the time it took to watch the video.

LBL is grateful that she found Now Husband before he found out about this matrix. That way, he was willing to waste a lot of time discussing books, movies, politics, and social issues, while she was dating him. Had she met him after he watched the video, their three years of pre-wedding dating would have been condensed into about a week, in which LBL would be wearing stiletto heels and a bikini, and Now Husband could assess her Crazy quotient as she fell over repeatedly while trying to suck in her stomach and walk in the stilettos at the same time. According to McLendon’s matrix, LBL would most likely have ended up in the Chernobyl category and the marriage would not have taken place.