Todd Fisher is the hog-wild host of a new show called “The United States of Bacon.” He’s an enthusiastic chef whose latest gig takes him around the country looking for outrageous bacon concoctions.
His program is advertised using an old anti-drug campaign. “This is your brain…(picture of an empty frying pan – cut to bacon sizzling in the pan)…This is your brain on bacon…Any questions? Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!”
Chef Todd is a man on a mission, a merry man on a heart-taxing task. He eats bellies and bellies of bacon, sties-full of bacon. Needless to say, he is fat. He’s not sumo-fat but he’s fat, jolly fat. He loves what he’s doing and he loves, loves, loves bacon. “Bacon, bacon, bacon it is his favorite meat. Bacon, bacon, bacon that crispy, salty treat.”
This guy’s cholesterol’s got to be 1000 – at least.
In a recent episode Chef Todd found this artery-clogger:
- Thick-slabs of smoked Berkshire bacon, strip on strip on strip on…
- Quarter pound mix of brisket, chuck and sirloin beef
- Melted over with good old American cheese
- Then slathered in chunky peanut butter. That’s right CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER!
Lest you get hungry while waiting for this heart attack on a roll the restaurant provides bacon-wrapped cheese curds. Even their Bloody Mary is served with a strip of bacon.
The only things missing are pictures of your clogged carotids.
At another restaurant Chef Todd found bacon wrapped burnt ends to further block blood vessels,
- This coronary starts off with brisket smoked for 12 hours which cooks the meat but burns the fattiest part, the ends – hence “burnt ends”
- Slice off these burnt ends about an inch and a half thick by about eight inches long.
- Paint with BBQ sauce and spices
- Then wrap these logs lengthwise with strips of bacon followed by wrapping them longitudinally with six (or more) strips. The fat in the bacon keeps the fat in the burnt ends juicy don’t ya see.
- Put back in the smoker again until the bacon wrapping is crisp but still chewy.
- Slice into bite-sized pieces.
- Serve with BBQ sauce and the local cardiologist’s telephone number.
There are restaurants throughout America who cater to this outrageously unhealthy fare. Another such offering is called the “Bacon Bomb.”
- It starts with a foot-square mat woven from strips of maple-smoked bacon
- Cover this mat with an inch thick (or more) layer of ground Italian sausage (sweet, hot or mixed, your choice)
- Diced pre-cooked bacon is then layered on top of the sausage
- Roll the mat tightly
- Drench with maple syrup and bake for about an hour
One restaurant serves their triple-baconed hamburgers on glazed doughnuts. Yes, glazed doughnuts! Here even the apple pie has bacon in it. How debauched can we get?
America is obese and it is bacon’s fault…bacon and those glazed doughnuts. Chef Todd and his porkers can’t eat all the bacon they want and get away with it. That’s just not fair!
“The United States of Bacon” is pornographic programming! With Americans gobbling up more than 1.7 billion pounds of bacon each year, enough to girdle the Earth 56 times, something must be done.
We can start by putting ratings on recipes; one skull for each strip of bacon. Anything over three skulls requires a doctor’s note and any restaurant offering such offal must be within a 10 minute radius of a health facility with an operating room.
Under Obamacare our tax dollars pay for all medical treatments. Bacon aficionados will eat up more than their share of this federal fatback. This will be enough to send Obamacare into fiscal arrest and it will increase premiums for all the rest of us. Some folks just have no sense of responsibility when it comes to other people’s money.
Eating bacon must be designated politically incorrect and “The United States of Bacon” must be cancelled.
Bacon vs Obamacare
Hmmm?
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