I listened on the line as a friend of mine painfully recounted the last few days of her marriage. She was hurt, and I could hear it. Her voice quivered as she told me about the cold treatment she'd been receiving from her husband. I wanted to react, but I knew that the best thing to do was to let her get all of her pain out. I offered her an ear and some reassurance, but besides that, there was nothing more that I could do. I knew that place she was in; after all, I'd been there myself at one point. I knew that there were no words I could utter to ease her pain, because enduring an affair feels a lot like watching someone you love pass away. The woman (or man) on the receiving end feels helpless, unsure, desperate and lost, and all of these feelings often merge together to create a fury of wrath. I wanted to make sure that my friend didn't become vengeful, so I reminded her that GOD would take care of the adulterous duo. All she had to do was be still and know that HE is GOD.
Nevertheless, I knew that she needed more from me. After all, every time I spoke with her, she was obsessively speaking about her husband and his mistress. Of course, I wanted her to let it go. After all, her husband had left her to be with his mistress, and I knew the lies the enemy was playing in her ear. The enemy always says things like:
- “They are happy while you are miserable.”
- “You're stupid. How could you not see this happening?”
- “It's all your fault. If you had been a better wife, he wouldn't be with her.”
- “You're ugly, and that's why he doesn't want you.”
- “Your husband and his mistress will go on to live a great and rewarding life, while you wallow in your misery. You'd better do something to make them feel what you are feeling.”
- “Keep searching for clues. There's more that you don't know.”
The purpose of these lies is to keep the victims in a spin cycle where they become obsessed with the lives of their victimizers. This distracts the victims from their relationship with GOD, and keeps them from being set free by keeping them far away from the understanding they'll need to move on. At the same time, the lies serve as a “pat on the back” for the victimizer. After all, a person who's abandoned their marriage for someone else still has a conscious, even though they've buried it under their pride. They are oftentimes trying to silence the voice of conviction; that voice that tells them that they are making a foolish and life-altering decision. When the victim begins to react in anger, the victimizer often feels justified, and this helps to strengthen his or her relationship with the mister or mistress.
The other woman has a mentality. She has a way of thinking that to modern society is somewhat taboo. She appears heartless, self-centered, prideful and immoral, and while all of these things may be true about her, please understand that she is a victim of the way she thinks. Below are ten truths about the other woman that many people don't know.
1. She's been victimized, so she's a carrier of the pain she's spreading. Most women who play the adulteress are simply responding to something that's happened to them. All too often, another woman was the culprit behind the failure of one of their relationships. Pain is like a highly contagious virus. If you're not delivered from it, you will become a carrier of it, and you'll give it to anyone who gets too close to you.
2. She's likely played the other woman in many marriages and relationships. The Bible calls her an adulteress, meaning, she's a woman who participates in adultery, whether she is the wife or the mistress.
3. She pretends to be confident, but in reality, she's insecure. The confident front she puts up is a coping mechanism. After all, she knows she's gambling with her heart. It's also a defense mechanism. She believes her confidence serves as a warning to her tangled up partner that she's not like his wife. She'll walk away if pushed.
4. Sometimes, it's not about winning the man; it's about winning..... period. Many women who play the other woman have low self-perception, and any win they receive serves as a boost to their self-esteem. That's why you'll find that many of the other women often brag of their victories, to the point where they began taunting their victims. All the same, after their victories have been secured and the wife is out of the picture, many adulteresses toss their adulterous lovers away.
5. She was idolatrous before she was adulterous. Idolatry is the worship and reverence of other gods; it is spiritual adultery. The other god, in the adulteress's story, is herself. Understand that an idol requires a sacrifice, and for the other woman, the sacrifice of a marriage gives her the blood she needs to feel accomplished. No one (either man or woman) commits adultery before having committed idolatry. Adultery is just the manifestation of idolatry in the flesh; it is when one's god is himself or herself. Understand that we always sacrifice to the very thing in which we worship FIRST, and everything else that we esteem is given a portion of that sacrifice once it's made. Think about the Bible days. The Levites and Priests sacrificed animals to GOD first, and then, they ate certain portions of the sacrificial offerings that GOD gave them permission to eat. This meant that GOD was first in their lives, and they put themselves behind HIM. With a mistress, however, the sacrificial offering goes to herself first, and she portions off what's left to GOD and the man she's committing adultery with. How so? If the mistress marries the man she feels she's rescued from a loveless marriage, she'll likely try to take him to church to ensure he doesn't do the same thing to her.
6. She often pretends to be concerned with the very wife she is victimizing, but it's all an act. The truth is, we all know that we are supposed to have a conscious, and no one wants to come off as cold, shrewd and self-serving. Nevertheless, most women who play the adulteress don't care about the wives of the men they are sleeping with. If they did, they wouldn't involve themselves in the very marriages they are trying to destroy. Instead, the adulteress pretends to be concerned because she wants to win.
7. She does not need to hear the common lie men tell her when they are attempting to get with her. That lie is, “My marriage is already over. My wife and I are not happy. As a matter of fact, we're sleeping in different rooms, and we've both agreed that a divorce is better for us. I'm only there because she can't afford to live on her own.” Of course, this lie is an attempt from a man to appear noble, caring and fed-up, and it's his attempt to lower the other woman's morals, should she have any. But most mistresses don't need these lies, even though they help them to justify their behaviors. All they need is to know that the odds of winning are in their favor.
8. She's created a character, and she pretends to be everything her suitor wants in a wife. If she senses that he wants a loving, caring and sensitive woman, she'll pretend to be that woman. If she senses that he wants an aggressive, feisty and overly-confident woman, she'll pretend to be that woman. Again, for her, it's about winning.
9. She has a plan B, C and D. Most women who play the mistress have boyfriends, husbands or other men who are on standby should their relationships not work. An adulteress rarely closes the door on other potential relationships because she knows the odds of the husband leaving his wife are not in her favor. Oftentimes, the husband of another woman is the prize she's hoping to win, but she's got her second and third place ribbons on standby.
10. She has a dramatic exit planned she intends to use should the wife win over herself. This plan often involves her telling the wife the whole truth, and in many cases, this plan involves her threatening or attacking the wife.
11. She'll do whatever it takes to win. Any man who isn't aware of the length a woman would go to win is a man who's setting himself up to be a loser.
12. She's likely religious. GOD said that you'd know a tree by its fruit. A good tree can't bear evil fruit and a bad tree can't bear good fruit. HE also said that many draw near HIM with their mouths, but their hearts are far from HIM. Many adulteresses religiously go to church and some will even shout, dance and cry while there. After all, she knows that she is sinning against GOD, but this isn't enough to make her stop. She's religious, so she believes that she can sin first and make it right later. To be religious means to perform the acts of worship without having a heart of worship.
13. If the husband should leave his wife, her biggest fear is losing the husband to the very woman he's abandoned. It is very common to hear a mistress say that she could bear losing the man to another woman, just not his wife. Please understand that the enemy sent her to finish a marriage, and she won't rest until it's dead. Any other relationships outside of that marriage, on the other hand, don't pose as big of a threat to her.
14. If she feels that she's losing, she'll oftentimes begin to leave subtle clues. These clues include hugging her adulterous beau while wearing the most feminine (and long-lasting) perfume she can find, leaving lipstick on an unsuspecting man's collar, dropping an earring in his car or house, or calling him when she knows he's likely sitting close to his wife. Make no mistake about it: These acts are no accidents. They are women and they know how women think.
15. She's likely to be very non trusting and insecure. Let's face it. She doesn't exactly respect the institution of marriage, and she knows how she got the man she's lying next to. She knows that he is an adulterer; after all, he left his wife to be with her. If she were to get her adulterous partner full-time, she'd always be on the lookout for clues that the adulterer has returned to his vomit: adultery.
16. If she senses that the man she's gotten through adultery is having an affair, she'll start searching for another man or an exit strategy. Why does she do this? She knows the wife was hurt and humiliated by her husband's actions, and even though she knows she may have to endure the hurt of losing her beau, she does not want to endure the humiliation. Remember, mistresses are oftentimes very prideful women who've offended a lot of people with their actions. They've told themselves that their actions will eventually pay off, and everyone who spoke against their relationship with their married beaus will be silenced. But when it appears that they'll be tomorrow's fallen soldiers on the menu for gossips to feast on, they will immediately begin to initiate damage control. This is to say to the others, “I left him. He didn't leave me.” This is an attempt to “save face” with the people they know are rooting for their downfalls.
17. She really isn't interested in getting to know her beau's kids. While trying to win him over, the mistress will oftentimes pretend to love the children, and will shower them with gifts, quality time and compliments, but after she secures her win, she'll likely see the children as a threat to her victory. To her, the children are a link between the husband and the wife; they are liabilities, and she'll often look for ways to separate the man from his children. This includes, but definitely isn't limited to: accusing the children of stealing something from her, speaking disrespectfully to her or being instruments used by their mothers to wreck her relationship.
18. She becomes more and more dangerous with every adulterous relationship she loses. Please understand that for the mistress, it's not just about getting the man she so dearly loves; it's about winning. She has a lot of superficial things on the line, and these things include her pride, all that she's given up to be with that man, the respect of her loved ones and her reputation. After losing with several men, she begins to think of herself as the victim, and the husband and wife, in her eyes, becomes the villains. Their children become collateral damage. For the other woman, the worst thing that can happen to her is to wear the “whore” label. She wants to feel justified, and anytime she's abandoned, she feels victimized. For this reason, a woman who's lost to a few wives will oftentimes lash out, and she won't stop until she draws blood.
19. She prefers married men because she's afraid to invest too much of herself into a one-on-one relationship with a single man. Married men represent so many things for her. They represent men who are willing to commit, and at the same time, she knows that she can hold back her heart with these men for a little bit longer than she could with a single man. She can do this by reminding herself that the man she's pursuing is married and will likely not leave his wife. But if the man keeps saying that he will leave, and demonstrates his willingness to leave by hurting his wife repeatedly, she'll open up her heart and take a chance with him. Please understand, however, that her heart is not a safe place for any man. She's a victim, and victims don't respond to being hurt; they react.
20. She's human too. One of the things we often forget about the other woman is that she's human and GOD loves her. Sure, her selfish act causes so much pain in the lives of many, but she's just a wrecked soul who needs deliverance. GOD gives her grace (a time to repent), and we should too.
As I spoke with my friend, I only wished she could feel the comforts I was basking in. I knew that GOD would avenge her if she'd only be still. I knew that she'd survive to love again. I knew that GOD would send her a man after HIS own heart if she only let go of the one who was breaking hers. You see, everything in the earth has a price tag on it, and the expensive price of adultery isn't worth it. At the same time, GOD is near the brokenhearted. If you are brokenhearted and someone has sinned against you, GOD will be with you, but HE will be against your enemies.
What should you do if your husband is committing adultery?
1. Forgive him. The worst thing you could EVER do to a man is forgive him. By doing so, you release the debt to the Debt Collector (GOD), and HE always collects.
2. Forgive the mistress. Again, turn it over to the Debt Collector.
3. Be still so GOD can move. It's hard to stand still when your heart is breaking, but anytime you get out of GOD'S way, HE will show you why HE is GOD. Remember, HE is against adultery.
4. Stop changing your appearance and change your mind. When a woman is the victim of adultery, she often changes her appearance in an attempt to find herself in all of the pain. But the correct response is to get into the WORD, learn a new trade and seek to better yourself. In seeking the heart of GOD, you'll find the whole you, and each day will get easier as you draw near the LORD.
5. If the unbeliever wants to depart, let him depart. The Bible tells us that when we submit ourselves to GOD and resist the devil, he will flee from us (see James 4:7). If he's fleeing, it's likely because GOD is with you. Let him go. The most dangerous thing you can do with a man who wants to go is to try and make him stay.
6. Please understand that while he may be smiling during the course of your pain, his happiness will be short-lived. The enemy operates in illusions; meaning, he gives sin the appearance of being a happy place when it's not. Sin is a scary place where the feelings of pleasure are often drowned out by the sounds of fear.
7. Don't attempt to turn his kids against him; otherwise, they may turn against you instead. Remember that even though their father is hurting you, they still love him, and parts of their identities are wrapped up in him. By speaking reproachfully of him, you are telling them that they are partly responsible for what's happened, and the part of them that looks like him is now a bad reminder of his betrayal. At the same time, speaking evil of their father makes them feel as if they are being pressured to choose between the two people they love the most. Just remain positive, and as they get older, they'll get a better understanding of what happened and decide how and if they want a relationship with their father.
8. If you intend to stay with him, don't run around badmouthing him to others. You can choose whether you want to stay with him or not, but when you tell others about his transgressions, they'll often judge him, ridicule him and begin to extend a helping hand to you. By staying with him, they'll feel that you've betrayed them because you've allowed them to ruin or destroy their relationships with him, all the while, you were reconciling your relationship with him. Understand that this ensures they won't get too many invites to your home.
9. The worst thing you can do to a man and his mistress is to forgive them and leave them alone. One of the things that strengthens their relationship is your interference of their relationship. If you step aside and move on with your life, your husband will be distracted by your movements and the mistress will realize that even in her victory, she's still not a winner. Men often pursue whatever they can't have, but they run from whatever's chasing them. Never be on the pursuing end. Don't call him, stalk him, talk about him or plot after him. Just move on. Remember, the strength of their relationship is found in your weakness, but the weakness of their relationship is found in your strength.
10. Pray for them and not for their downfall. Ask the LORD to open their eyes to see the truth. In doing so, they will no longer be intoxicated by the lies that brought them together, and they'll have to face the realities and responsibilities of their relationship.
What should you do if you're the other woman?
1. Surrender to GOD, and resist the devil. Please understand that the enemy hates marriage; whereas, GOD hates a divorce. Don't play for the losing team.
2. Understand that your beau is a married liar and an adulterer. Do you really believe he's going to change with you? He'll remain an adulterer and a liar, and if you end up being his wife, you'll be the woman on the receiving end of pain when he finds a new mistress to lay on his altar.
3. Stop hating the wife. Remember, she's the victim; you're the victimizer. Sure, her husband may have told you many things about her, but this reflects on him and not her. If he's head of his home, and he's tearing it down, why would you want to start building with him?
4. Learn your worth. Why is it that you feel you aren't worthy of a husband to call your own?
5. Forgive the people who've hurt you. Until you let go of the pain, Satan is going to use you to be the Santa Claus of pain, delivering hurt to many homes.
6. Do onto others as you'd have others do onto you. Remember, one of the ways that GOD lets us receive our lessons is by teaching us to empathize with one another. If you don't understand what it's like to be the wife of an adulterer, you just might end up with a life sentence alongside an adulterous man with no chance of parole. Trying to escape a prideful adulterer who's tired of licking his wounds is like trying to run from a lion while wearing heels.
7. The very wife you look down on may one day become the ex-wife you look up to. You see, one day, you may find yourself enduring the all-consuming pain of having that man, while his wife is free, delivered, and remarried to a man after GOD'S own heart. That's when you'll realize that in trading places with her, you gave up the opportunity to be blessed with a GOD-fearing man, for the opportunity to walk a few thousand miles in her worn-down shoes. One of the worst places to find yourself is lying next to a played-out adulterer who's finally ready to settle down.
8. If you get him, you aren't the winner. Any woman who takes home an adulterer is actually the loser. Anytime you see an adulterer as a prize, you need to dip your eyeballs in the WORD of GOD until the scales fall off.
9. You're only popular with him while you're the other woman, but once you get the full-time job as the wife, you'll have to scoot over from the victimizer's seat into the victim's seat.
10. GOD loves you. Learn to love yourself.