In my last article, we talked about the mentality of the infamous “other woman,” but now, we will discuss the mentality of the adulterer. Please understand that the other woman wouldn't have a position if there was no adulterous man to recruit her.
The adulterer's mind is more complex than that of the adulteress. Many women who serve as adulteresses are single women who want to be married. They've entered many relationships with single and married men, and they've likely felt more of a sense of security when engaging with married men. The adulterer, on the other hand, is married, and because he's married, he's risking everything he has to be in an adulterous relationship. For some men, the risk seems worth taking; especially, if they are unhappy at home. For most men, however, the risk isn't worth taking, but the ones who take it often do so believing they won't be caught. In other words, they don't consider the consequences, because they tell themselves that their wives will never discover their indiscretions; therefore, there will be no consequences. In cases like this, the adulterer can be a danger to himself and his family because he may not be prepared for the consequences if his affair is discovered. The truth is: Many adulterers actually do love their wives, and do NOT feel that they can live without their wives; nevertheless, they are struggling inwardly with something that feels bigger than their marriage. Once their indiscretions are on display, whatever they were struggling with suddenly looks smaller, and in a moment's time, an adulterer can go from being cold and calculating, to being loving, apologetic and desperate to keep their homes together.
To get a better understanding of the heart of an adulterous man, here are 26 things you should know about him:
1. He's not that into GOD. Now, you will find many adulterous men in the church; many of them being in leadership, but our relationship with GOD will always manifest itself in our relationships with people. Anytime a man is guilty of adultery, he's guilty of idolatry; meaning, he served himself before he served the LORD. To be changed, he has to repent and give GOD back the leading role in his life, while he takes a backseat to his own desires.
2. He's selfish. Selfishness is like a serpent, and anytime it finds its way into the heart of a person, that person begins to devour every relationship they enter. Selfish people see life as a one-way street that leads back to them. Being selfish gives a person a sense of entitlement, and this mindset helps to remove the guilt associated with adultery.
3. He's a professional victim. One truth about the adulterous male that many don't consider is that he's told himself that he deserves to have another woman because of something that's going on or has went on in his life. It's very difficult for a man to commit adultery when he has nothing to base his affair on. Needless to say, every relationship has problems, but an adulterer often tells himself that those problems are what drove him into the arms of another woman. In other words, he doesn't take responsibility for his own actions. Instead, he focuses so much on what he doesn't have, that he loses sight of what he does have.
4. He's not committed. To be committed means to be unmovable. His loyalty only goes as deep as his love, and for many, their love for others has far less depth than their love for themselves. GOD told husbands to love their wives as they love themselves, but for an adulterer, his love for self supersedes his love for his wife. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love his wife; it only means that his love for self is greater than his love for his wife. Because he did not commit to the WORD of GOD, he could not commit to his wife. His struggle to be faithful to her reflects his struggle to be faithful to GOD.
5. He likely has a few bad friends in his circle. GOD told us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, and this command isn't just about the romantic relationships we enter; it speaks of EVERY relationship we entertain. It's a guarantee: Bad association does ruin useful habits. Men tend to be extremely loyal to their friends, and even when they transition from the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light, most men continue their friendships with their unsaved friends. When a man gets saved, he often justifies his relationships with his unsaved friends by calling his relationships with them “ministry.” It goes without saying, however, that those relationships serve as stumbling blocks to him, often leading him back into temptation and further away from GOD. In most male-to-male friendships, the unsaved friend has to walk away first, and this only happens when the saved friend stops hanging out with the unsaved friend on his turf, and invites him to hang out with himself and his new, saved friends. Because the two can no longer agree, they eventually stop walking together.
6. He's probably into pornography. Anytime a man looks upon a woman and lusts after her, the bible tells us that he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. The issue with pornography is it arouses the person watching it, thus leading them into lust, and finally, leading them into mental adultery. Whatever we allow to occur in our minds will eventually manifest in our lives and become our realities. A man who watches pornography has already committed adultery in his heart; therefore, when he engages in physical adultery, he's simply acting out in the natural what he's been rehearsing in his mind. There's no such thing as a faithful husband who watches pornography.
7. He's likely stopped leading his household, and handed over some of his husband duties to his wife. (This truth may be a little too deep for some folks, so if you don't have the teeth to chew it or the stomach to digest it, move on to number 8). GOD instituted an order, and that order is: GOD is the head of CHRIST; CHRIST is the head of man, and man is the head of woman. This order HAS to be followed to keep the devil out of our homes, but in the majority of adultery cases, this order was not completely followed. Sure, he may have a submissive wife, while he's a take-charge kinda husband, but somewhere along their marriage journey, he has steered off course. Maybe he's taken off his covering: CHRIST JESUS. Or maybe, he's allowed his wife to lead the marriage in some areas, and by doing so, he begins to feel emasculated. You see, anytime a man hands a husband responsibility over to his wife, she begins to “think like a man” because she has to act like a man. In this, she becomes aggressive, argumentative, distrusting and controlling. That's because she's given a power that she was not created to carry, and in attempting to carry that power, she tries on many personalities as she attempts to wear the many roles handed to her. One such responsibility is leading the family in the LORD. In many marriages, you'll find a wife who faithfully goes to church, reads her bible, and studies the bible with her children. Their husbands, on the other hand, follow their wives lead by going to church only when the wife insists on going, reading the Bible only when the wife declares a Bible study, and disciplining the children only when the wife says the children need to be disciplined. By handing her the lead, he emasculates himself, and his wife loses that feminine appeal that drew him to her. She also loses respect (a vital tool to a marriage's survival) for her husband. The mistress doesn't know him all too well, so she's able to be that feminine and loving woman that he's come to miss. In every marriage, it is always easy to tell when the wife has a role she wasn't cut out for, and you can tell this by watching the husband and wife interact with each other and their children. A wife who “wears the pants” is likely to be a wife who finds out that her husband was under another woman's skirt.
8. He may be midways through a midlife (or early midlife) crisis. Unlike women, men aren't emotional creatures, and will attempt to fix anything that's worrying them without the help of someone else. Anytime a man finds himself cornered by a problem, he'll either fight his way out of that problem or create another problem to serve as a distraction. For example, if a man has been told by his employer that his job is in jeopardy, and he feels that he's exhausted every measure possible to save his job, if he doesn't have enough faith to fight his way out, he'll create a distraction. Many times, those distractions come in the form of other women. Some men turn to alcohol when they are stressed out, and alcohol helps them to forget their problems until they sober up. Some men turn to drugs, and some men turn to outside relationships. These relationships are nothing more than distractions designed to give him (the husband) more time to find a solution.
9. He's not that great with communication. Women are talkers by nature, and we'll try to reason our way out of any issues we see coming. Men, on the other hand, don't like to spend anymore than ten minutes talking about problems. That's because men are oftentimes solution-minded; whereas, women are oftentimes more focused on the problem than they are on the solution. At the same time, many women see one problem as a golden opportunity to talk about other problems they see arising in the marriage. When a wife starts offering up solutions to problems that are arising in the marriage, men oftentimes see those solutions as ultimatums. That's because, they feel they aren't being given the opportunity to suggest a few solutions of their own. In addition, men like to be heroes. When a wife constantly tries to fix every problem she sees, she unintentionally robs her husband of the opportunity to be her hero. Sometimes, this opens the door for adultery because an adulteress will play the role of a damsel in distress, thus giving the adulterer the opportunity to rescue her and feel needed again. When communication is enacted between a husband and wife, there's often little room (and desire) for adultery.
10. He's unhappy, but it's not his wife or marriage that he's unhappy with; oftentimes, it's himself, his leadership, or the situations he's found himself in. When a wife loses her husband to adultery, she often feels that he's happy with his mistress, while she's off living in misery, but she couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is, most men who enter adulterous relationships were happier with their wives than they were with their mistresses, but they enter those adulterous relationships because they feel safer or more needed there. Maybe their wives are ascending the ranks of life while they feel stuck. Maybe they feel they can't offer their wives what they feel they deserve, but they will happily give the other woman what they can afford, because in their minds, she isn't worth much. It's the harsh truth, and if you speak with most men in adultery or who have participated in adultery, you'll find that they have far more respect and love for their wives than they do for their mistresses.
11. He hasn't fulfilled all of his fantasies. When a man is in the world, he will have many ungodly fantasies, but his desire to be married was likely greater than his desire to fulfill his fantasies. If he doesn't get his mind renewed, once he's accomplished being married, he may then start to pursue his fantasies. Remember, men are hunters by nature.
12. He's not abiding by 2 Corinthians 10:5: Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ...
Instead of casting those lustful imaginations down, he ponders them, and this causes him to commit adultery in his heart.
13. He's likely very defensive, because of his transgressions. The reason adulterous men become defensive and argumentative is because they fear the aftermath of their affairs coming into the light. With his wife, he may come off as cold and abrasive, but in reality, his cruelty is fueled by two things: (1) Whatever lie he told himself to justify his affair, and (2) His fear of losing his wife. His cruel ways are like his guard dogs designed to keep a suspicious wife off his adulterous trail. As his wife draws closer to the truth, he'll become more and more aggressive in his attempt to steer her in another direction. He may threaten to leave her, or he may even pack up and leave her. If he leaves, his plan isn't to be gone forever; his plan is to get away from her before she discovers his affair and leaves him. By leaving her when she has no evidence, he feels that the marriage is in a safe place, and he can return to it whenever he feels it isn't in danger. His fear is that his wife will leave him, and the marriage won't be recoverable. By taking charge and leaving her, he is attempting to save his marriage. He plans to utilize that time to figure out his next move without the pestering questions his wife may have been plaguing him with.
14. He may be very dangerous. Anytime you're dealing with a person (male or female) in adultery, they can be very dangerous because of their fear of losing it all. Some men (and women) would rather see their spouses dead than to lose them; especially if their spouses have been really good to them (double whammy). The reason is: People who struggle with lust and adultery often want to “test the waters,” and their desires to engage in adulterous affairs are oftentimes all-too consuming. If they know that their spouses won't stick with them and let them decide what or who they want, they could become a danger to themselves, their spouses, and sometimes, their own children. A man once told me that it would be easier for him to see his wife dead than to lose her because of his affairs, and then, see her remarried to a good man. His reasoning was that he knew he had a good wife, and it would be hard for him to see her being a good wife to another man; all the while, finding himself in a bunch of dead-end relationships. He said that men who commit adultery want the option to choose the relationship they feel is better suited for them, or the option to keep all of the relationships they've gotten themselves into.
15. He may be abusive. Some of the kindest men can become abusive monsters once they begin engaging in adulterous affairs. The reason again is, they fear losing the wives they are committing adultery against. Oftentimes, abuse is a last-ditch attempt to get a prying wife to stop investigating her husband's stories. The truth is, anytime a man commits adultery, and his wife is in the LORD, there is an alarm that goes off in her the very minute her husband becomes one with another woman. Her peace is disturbed, and to get this peace back, she may search for the answers her husband refuses to give her. This behavior somewhat corners the husband, and makes him become even more desperate to conceal his extramarital affairs. Once he feels cornered, he may resort to striking his wife.
16. In many cases, the affair is nothing more than a sexual affair. After the “act” has been completed, many adulterous men feel an instant surge of guilt and remorse. For this reason, many adulterous men will leave their mistresses' houses and go somewhere to buy their wives a gift. The gift isn't really for her; it's an attempt from him to kill the feelings of guilt.
17. Arguments help him to feel justified in his adultery. Many men who find themselves in adultery stir up arguments at home to make committing adultery a lot easier for themselves. These arguments help them to drown those feelings of guilt that overcome them once they've finished having sex with their mistresses. In addition, these arguments are tools used to help them keep their scheduled arrangements to see their mistresses. For example, if a man tells his mistress that he'll be at her house by nine o'clock that evening, he may start an argument with his wife at seven or eight o'clock. This argument does two things: (1) It gives him an excuse to leave the house, and (2) It helps him to feel that his adulterous actions are merited.
18. He's likely jealous of someone's relationship or lifestyle. One thing you'll find with many adulterous men is that there is someone inside or outside of their lives that appears to have it all. The men who they envy are usually single, successful (or not-so-successful) and surrounded by beautiful, immoral women. Sometimes, it could be that childhood friend who he didn't disassociate from once he gave his life to the LORD, or it may be his Benz driving colleague who brags about his weekend rendezvouses. Please understand that something or someone is seducing him with thoughts of what life would be like without the old “ball and chain.” Most men who are fascinated with the lifestyles of bachelors end up testing those lifestyles before attempting to return home to their estranged wives. Sometimes, they want to see for themselves what the fuss is all about, but once they've tried on single living, they often find that marriage is a better fit for them.
19. His father was either absent or a cheater himself. Most men who commit adultery didn't have a father figure, or they didn't have a positive father figure. Because of this, they don't know what it means to be a man, so they follow the lead of the men they've known over the courses of their lives.
20. Someone (probably his mother) told him that all-too-familiar lie that “all men cheat.” When a boy hears this lie, he begins to think that cheating is one of the prerequisites of being a man. Many men who've been raised on the “all men cheat” lie don't think they've entered manhood until they've poked around outside of their marriages. In such cases, their minds need to be renewed in order for them to be transformed; otherwise, they'll keep participating in self-destructive behaviors that threaten themselves and their families.
21. His mother probably wasn't a really good mother to him. She may have been emotionally or physically abusive to him, or he may have witnessed other men coming to his mother's house and heading into her bedroom. Men who are raised by loose or abusive women often grow up seeing the whole female population as loose and abusive. That's why it's never a good idea, as a woman, to think that you could love a man into changing.
22. He may be in an adulterous phase. Let's face it: Just like all mistresses aren't witches on brooms looking for unsuspecting husbands to swoop in on, all adulterous husbands aren't monsters looking for opportunities to commit adultery. Sometimes, it's just a case of being in the wrong mindset at the same time. There are men who have never considered cheating on their wives, who've found themselves alone with immoral women, and they may be tempted to commit adultery in an instant. While some may pass up the opportunity, there are others who would not leave fast enough, and end up allowing lustful thoughts to enter their minds. When Joseph was tempted by Potipher's wife, he RAN away when she grabbed him. The reason Joseph ran is because he was wise, and he knew to flee (don't walk) from fornication. If you are tempted with fornication at any time, and you don't immediately flee, you'll leave yourself in a place where your flesh can scream louder than your convictions. If you find yourself in such a place, it is actually easier to commit adultery than it is to not commit adultery. Joseph was wise enough not to give his mind a chance to wander, and give Potipher's wife a chance to arouse him. With some men, the chance to commit adultery may suddenly spring up, and once they've bitten that forbidden fruit, they've become entangled in the web of a seductress. In such cases, the men involved may deal with overwhelming convictions that are suddenly silenced by their lusts. The adulterer may tell himself that he's going to sleep with his mistress one more time, or he's heading to her house to end the relationship; nevertheless, each attempt to quit “cold turkey” is snuffed out once his flesh begins to speak. You can never walk away from something GOD told you to run away from.
23. He may be attempting to get revenge against his wife for an affair she's engaged in, or he may be attempting to get revenge for something else his wife has done. Please understand that both men and women are tempted in their flesh to commit adultery, but the strongest individuals don't give adultery a second thought. Nevertheless, a man with an “ax to grind” may stop fighting off those lustful thoughts because he feels that he's entitled or justified in his thoughts and actions. But the truth is, most times, if adultery wasn't involved on his wife's behalf, every other reason is just a cover-up or an excuse.
24. Every time he beds his mistress or mistresses, he gets further and further away from his wife. The reason is, every time he engages in sexual activity with the other woman (or other women), he becomes more and more desensitized towards sin. After a while, it's easy for him to engage in sexual activity with other women; whereas, at one point, it may have been pretty taxing on his conscience. Once he's desensitized, he will oftentimes become insensitive towards his wife, and this will often lead to the breakdown of their marriage.
25. If he's in the church, or if he's religious, he may see his affair as a temporary event designed to get him what he wants. In his mind, he believes that the destruction of his marriage, followed by the establishment of a new marriage with a new woman, will give him the confidence, boost and happiness he feels he deserves and needs to reach the next level. In other words, he plans to sin against GOD, hoping that he can get what he wants, and eventually get back in the will of GOD. Such thinking indicates he's either unlearned (a babe in CHRIST), unsaved or in a state of rebelling against GOD. Remember, David went into this mindset when he pursued and bedded Bathsheba, but he paid a great price for his relationship with her and the planned death of her husband.
26. He's got an undeserved promotion, and he wasn't ready. One thing about men who are double-minded, unsaved or unlearned is that they can't handle promotion. Promotion leads to greater opportunities in life and with women. Let's say you have a man who's not so good-looking, and he's not used to being the center of attention. All of his life, he's been overlooked by beautiful women, and the only women who paid attention to him were average-looking or unattractive women. Now, that he's been promoted, women who wouldn't ordinarily give him a second glance are gazing at him. Because he's not mature enough to handle promotion, he may find himself believing that his success entitles him to the human trophies who are throwing themselves at him. In cases such as this, what you'll often see is the husband abandon his marriage, marry his mistress, and end up divorced from the mistress and bitter towards women. That's because he didn't yet understand that immoral women are oftentimes attracted to money and power, and any man who has money and power is a man they'll pursue, regardless of how he looks. You'll notice that many celebrities have fallen into these very traps, and found themselves living in large mansions, with beautiful women in loveless marriages. Anytime a man is promoted, he has to be promoted by GOD; otherwise, he may walk into a place that he's not mature enough to reside in. When this happens, he won't pass up an opportunity to have everything he wants, even at the cost of his marriage.
What should you do if you are a married man in adultery? How can you save your marriage, and escape the betraying arms of Satan?
1. Repent. To repent doesn't mean to apologize; to repent means to turn your heart back to GOD. It means to be sorrowful for the sin you've committed, confess those sins, and to turn away from those sins, while turning back to GOD. Make up your mind RIGHT NOW that the affair is over with, and your marriage is worth preserving.
2. Tell the truth and shame the devil. I know it's really hard to even consider telling the wife about your indiscretions. After all, there is a period of grief that she'll go through, and this period can last a long time, depending on the woman and the extent of your betrayal. But it's better to start the healing today than it is to try and wait it out. One thing you need to know is that more than ninety percent of wives who have adulterous husbands know their husbands are committing adultery, but they deny themselves this truth to protect their feelings and the marriage. But that feeling keeps coming back, and it causes them to become double-minded and unstable. This means that she's already broken. Tell her the truth, and apologize for your actions. If she leaves you, don't fret. Accept your new reality and learn from it. A large number of women, however, won't leave their husbands if their husbands are honest with them, because honesty often represents true repentance; whereas, lying often represents a man's desire to continue his affairs. The longer you wait to tell her, the more betrayed she'll feel, and the likelihood that she'll leave and stay gone increases. There's no guarantee that she will stay, but it is better to get it all out in the open, so you can either start healing or start packing.
3. One of the biggest mistakes a man makes (after coming clean or getting caught) is trying to withhold details of his affairs. Once you've betrayed your wife, you may have to become an open book if you want her to trust you again. Men don't handle details well, so they assume that women are the same, when they are not. You don't have to give her details about the sex itself, but answer any questions about what led to the affair, how you felt about the affair, how you felt about the other woman, why you didn't stop the affair, and the list goes on and on. Women are naturally inquisitive, and a broken woman will look for ways to mend her heart. She may believe that her healing is in the details, but this isn't always true. The details do, on the other hand, help her to stop feeling the need to investigate further and to stop blaming herself. If you try to place some of the guilt on her, she won't be able to forgive you because she won't be able to forgive herself. Let her know that it wasn't her fault, and accept responsibility for your own actions.
4. Help your wife to heal; don't badger her. Women often think they're healed after a few talks, and may agree to never bring the subject back up again, but a case of PMS or a broken-hearted friend going through a similar ordeal will often reveal that she's not completely healed. It's not that she's looking for a fight or looking to use the affair as leverage against you, the issue is oftentimes that she just hasn't healed. You may want to consider Christian counseling if your attempts to help her aren't working. Understand that you've temporarily lost your “leadership license” with her; therefore, it may be hard for her to believe anything you say. But be there for her, and try to find ways to communicate that don't end in arguing.
5. Do NOT rebuild your relationship on that affair or it WILL fall again. Oftentimes, couples come together after an affair, and they'll use that affair to get stronger with each other. In such cases, you'll often find the husband and wife team up against the mistress, and this is pure error and foolishness. The mistress is an adulteress until she gets delivered, so no amount of harassment will make her change her ways. All the same, she only bears half of the blame for the affair. The other half belongs to the husband. If you rebuild your marriage using that affair, it will come tumbling down again. Why is that? Because you may find that your marriage actually felt good during that time, so when you find yourself in a low place, you'll likely go out and repeat your transgression in hopes of having a repeat reconciliation. Believe it or not, people actually get addicted to how they felt during certain seasons, just like people get addicted to the highs associated with drugs and alcohol. Let the healing begin and end the right way, and don't allow your wife to blame it all on the mistress. Always remind her that you were even more guilty because her trust was with you, not the mistress. Men who project their guilt onto the mistress oftentimes find themselves with unhappy wives who suddenly wake up one day and realize just how manipulative they are. Once a woman loses respect for her husband, the marriage is doomed.