Arnold Schwarzenegger is no longer the Governor of California. Yes, Arnold's reign of terror in that desperately-broke state has come to an end, and we all stand on the precipice of a brand-new golden age of Schwarzenegger movies as a result. Will he return to the Terminator franchise? Will he remake Kindergarten Cop? Will he do Jingle All The Way 2: Jingle Even Further? We don't know, but we do have a list of the top 5 projects we'd like to see Ah-nold take on now that he's a free man. Read on for the list, my gentle Examiner readers...
Now that he's out of the governor's mansion, Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't wasted any time making it clear that he's interested in getting back in front of the camera. But now that it's been made official, what is Hollywood supposed to do with the guy? If you've seen the former Last Action Hero lately, you've probably noticed that the dude's looking pretty old, much older than he did back when Terminator 3 arrived. Perhaps being the "Governator" of the brokest state in the Union wasn't the best thing for Arnold's boyish good looks and wrinkle-free skin.
So, what's Hollywood to do? They've got one of the biggest movie stars in the world rarin' to go, a slew of franchises begging for sequels (not really, but that's what Hollywood thinks), and...nothing in pre-production. Over at Ain't It Cool News, they've got the following quote from Schwarzenegger about what he might be taking on first. Before you read what he had to say, keep in mind that Arnold Schwarzenegger may very well have gone crazy while governing the state of California:
"Well, first of all it's more 15 films, obvious ones from The Terminator to remakes of Predator and The Running Man and all of those things. Then also a lot of original stuff too. But I am also packaging a Comic Book character right now. I'm going to announce that sometime by the end of March or the beginning of April."
Oh, come on: could Schwarzenegger really star in another Terminator film? Did you see The Expendables? When he wandered onscreen, I thought Disney animatronics had brought a saddle-bag to life. And remember when McG gave the world Terminator: Salvation, and he decided to include a "young" Schwarzenegger that was 99.9% CGI? That wasn't much better (in fact, it was even worse). As far as I can recall, a geriatric Terminator was never part of Skynet's battle plan, so casting Schwarzenegger in another entry of this franchise is probably never going to happen. At least, let's hope it never happens.
But what about this Predator/Running Man remake business? These aren't the worst ideas we've ever heard (close, but not the worst), but they did get us to thinking about what projects Schwarzenegger could realistically take on these days. He's older, wiser, and ready for action, and it's inevitable that he's going to end up back on the big screen eventually. But Hollywood's gonna have to act fast if they wanna squeeze what little youth remains in the Austrian Oak onto the silver screen. Here's a list of the top 5 projects Schwarzenegger (and Hollywood) oughtta consider:
1. BIOPIC ABOUT JANET RENO
Will Ferrell's Janet Reno impression on SNL was damn-near perfect, but-- for our money-- Ferrell never had the bulk to pull off Reno's linebacker-like frame. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the other hand, has the girth, the heighth, and the jawline to capture Reno perfectly. What was life like for Janet Reno inside the Clinton White House? Was it hard for her to give up professional bear-wrasslin' to take on a political career? What's she been doing since then, besides bending tire irons with her bare hands? It's a story that needs to be told, and Schwarzenegger's just the man to do it. Plus: Arnold in drag is awesome.
2. KINDERGARTEN COP 2: MR. CRISP LIVES
For one thing, what the hell else is Penelope Anne Miller doing these days? They ain't gonna make another Shadow, sweetheart. Frankly, we don't know why Miller isn't camped out on Arnold's front lawn right now, perhaps hammering out the script for Kindergarten Cop 2 as she waits for him to come outside for the morning paper. In case she's running low on ideas, here's what we'd do: Have Mr. Crisp come back to life-- zombie-style (what's more popular right now than zombies?)-- and hunt down Arnold, Miller, and that lisping little kid from the first film (who's since grown up to be a, um, interior decorator; Carson Kressley can play him). You've got comedy, social issues (Arnold learns to fight alongside someone who "plays for the other team"), zombies, and Penelope Anne Miller: that's a recipe for success if I've ever heard one.
3. HAVE ARNOLD PLAY BIZARRO SUPERMAN
Zack Snyder's just put the finishing touches on his upcoming Sucker Punch, and his next project is already coming together over at Warner Bros.: Dude's directing the next Superman movie. Right now, details about Snyder's Superman are kind of hard to come by, so much so that we're still not entirely clear on the plot, the rest of the cast, or who the villain's gonna be. Whatever the case may be, there's gotta be room in there for a Bizarro Superman. In the comics, Bizarro Superman's the exact opposite of Supes, and he's raggedy-looking, weird, and talks in a monotone growl. I submit to you that Schwarzenegger-- with a bunch of pancake makeup slathered on his face and his frame packed into a loose-fitting Superman outfit-- could more than do the job: he could steal the movie. Make it happen, Warner Bros.
4. TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN
Oh, sure, they've already filmed the majority of the next Twilight film, but hear me out on this one: the pivotal role in the new Twilight has to be that of Renesmee, the baby that Bella gives birth to after sleeping with Edward. The baby's a bit of a freak-- half vampire, half human, half sexy, half sullen, half sparkly, half sulky-- which means that a little experimentation wouldn't be completely out of line. I'm thinking Schwarzenegger's head on a baby's body....wait, wait, wait: you didn't let me finish-- with vampire teeth. Boom: your heads just exploded. That's because you just heard the greatest idea of all time. Look, if there's gonna be a freak-baby that comes into the world by vampire teeth C-section who then falls in love with a werewolf, would it really be that weird to have it played by Arnold Schwarzenegger's head? Methinks not.
5. HAVE ARNOLD NARRATE ALL MOVIE TRAILERS
If Arnold looks too old to pull off the action genre anymore, his voice is...well...look, Arnold Schwarzenegger's got an iconic voice. You know, I know it, and Hollywood knows it. That voice could be put to work narrating movie trailers, and not just in Arnold's beloved action genre: Have Arnold narrate every movie trailer-- especially those twee, emo, mumble-core movies that all make hanging yourself seem like a better way to spend the afternoon. And, better yet, don't even give him a script to read off of. Just let Arnold watch the trailer and describe what he's feeling as he watches it. Good God, do you have any idea how great the trailer for Paul Blart would have been if Schwarzenegger had been mumbling angrily over it? I might have actually seen Paul Blart, just on the basis of how entertaining that trailer would have been. You're missing an opportunity here, Hollywood.
And that about does it. We would've had a top ten for you here, but these five ideas are so good, we don't need another five to back them up. I hereby declare that, should Hollywood try any of the above ideas, I will waive my rights to any proceeds from the hundreds of millions of dollars they'll rake in as a result (yes, even the Twilight idea): That's how committed I am to seeing these dreams brought to life. For what it's worth, I'd like #5 to happen more than any of the other ones, but I'm willing to settle on a Janet Reno biopic if Hollywood agrees to put it into production in the next two weeks.
Get going, Hollywood: you're being timed.
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