Since the excitement level of my love life as of late has rated somewhere below watching paint dry, I’ve been looking for ways to shake things up; make a splash; jumpstart my romantic life before it fades into obscurity faster than General Larry Platt’s “Pants on the Ground.” So when my good friend, Mastin Kipp (you might know him as “The Daily Love”), rather mischievously suggested I try changing my Facebook relationship status from “Single” to “In a Relationship” for the day, just to see what would happen, I thought: “Why NOT?”
So, for the past 24 hours, I have been “In a Relationship” for the first time in over a year…and I have to say, I kinda like it.
My first act as a betrothed woman was to take my roommate and BFF to dinner at the Olive Garden last night as a reward for the rather rough week he’s been having; where we proceeded to gorge ourselves on the endless salad and breadsticks while ruminating on some of my more colorful relationships. This, of course, led to UPROARIOUS laughter, because – let’s face it – my relationship resume reads like an episode of Jerry Springer…on a good day. Let’s take a closer look at my “Ex-Files” and you’ll see what I mean when I say that the truth truly is stranger than fiction.
1) Exhibit A: Missing a Few Marbles Guy - Yep, this "Romeo" lied repeatedly, tried to jump out of my MOVING vehicle in the midst of an argument, and vandalized my roommate’s house – all within a month of us getting together - and what did I do? Stay with him for another year.
2) Exhibit B: The “Good Guy” Country Music Star - I won’t name names, but I will say it would ROCK YOUR SOCKS if I did. The only “class” this country music singer with the squeaky clean image demonstrated was “FIRST CLASS jerkdom” – ultimately sending me on the Taj Mahal of wild goose chases in the deranged, vengeful stand-up heard ‘round the world.
3) Exhibit C: Around the World in 80 Days Guy - This gentleman, who I engaged in a mild flirtation with on and off for a couple of years, didn’t quite understand the concept of “dating.” As in – dinner and a movie. Allow me to explain. He would invite me on cruises, ski trips, African safaris…all before we had been out on so much as a first date. Guys, word of advice: When a girl says she wants to go to “the Outback,” she’s probably just craving a Blooming Onion – not a trek through the ACTUAL Outback.
4) Exhibit D: The Michael Myers of Ex-Boyfriends - You know the kind. The ex you play “Whack-a-Mole” with for years on end, hoping one of these times when you bop him in the head with the giant mallet, it will actually STICK? This Ex refuses to go away, no matter what methods you try. My own Michael Myers has spent more than a decade dreaming up new and inventive ways to screw me over. Stand me up? Check. Try to creep on his girlfriend with me? Check. Repeatedly delete me from his Blackberry Messenger so his girlfriend won’t see his correspondence with me, then tell me it’s because his phone magically deletes his contacts every three days? CHECK! So far, nothing I’ve tried has deterred this guy for longer than a couple of months. Perhaps calling him out in this column will finally do the trick? (And yes…this means YOU.)
5) Exhibit E: Mr. Big - Sigh. My Mr. Big. My all over the place, up and down, in then out, black and white, wrong then right, infuriatingly indecisive Mr. Big. The same Mr. Big that recently moved across the country to California; and though it’s L.A. rather than the Napa Valley, I still feel, at times, as though I am just one long train ride and one book reading with Mr. Winkle away (and you will get the reference if you are a TRUE Sex & the City fan) from literally BEING Carrie Bradshaw. My Mr. Big who doesn’t know if he wants me but doesn’t want anyone else to have me…who invites me home for the holidays with his family and then forgets to actually COME HOME…who text messaged me a few short hours after my Facebook status changed to determine if I am, indeed, no longer The Single Woman but The Taken Woman. And even though this time, he’ll find me still flying solo; that’s the thing about single girls. They don’t stay single forever.
Though my intent was originally to change my relationship status back to “Single” today, after careful review of my relationship portfolio – I’ve decided there’s one relationship that still needs to be revisited: The one with myself. I turn 32 next week, and isn’t it about time I invest some of that energy I’ve been spending on relationships with others in one with MYSELF? I mean, her resume is pretty darn fabulous, right? Doesn’t she deserve my time, and energy, and affections? And who knows? Maybe someday my Aiden Shaw will be waiting in the wings will sweep me off my feet and out of Mr. Big’s life forever – but until that time, this girl is going to keep her feet firmly on the ground and her “In a Relationship” status firmly in place. Because, after all:
“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you that YOU love, well…that's just fabulous.” ~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City