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The Spy who came in from global warming

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As our story opens our hero John C. Beale is flying to London enjoying a shaken not stirred vodka martini while relaxing in first class. He stretches out in the luxurious accommodations and orders another drink as he ponders his accomplishments. From the son of a preacher to a Princeton grad to the highest paid EPA official in history. He can be proud he didn’t need any fancy gadgets from “Q” to accomplish his goals. No he can credit his accomplishments to his former classmate Rob Brenner, his wife Nancy Kete and their collaboration on the re-writing of the EPA rules in 1990.

When his friend Rob Brenner brought him into the EPA to fight Mr. Big business and his SMOG little did he know power would be so rewarding. By changing the Clean Air Act 1977 to increase the authority of the Federal Agency, shift cost for regulations to states, and enhancing enforcement proved to be a game changer. With the increased power the EPA could ban CFC’s, mandate ethanol in gasoline and require any power producing plant to apply for an operating permit. By using a “market based approach” the EPA could also regulate clean air credits and make companies like ENRON very rich selling these credits. The only regret was not foreseeing CO2 as is the current trend among climate alarmists these days.

To make sure they received credit in the EPA and Washington John and Rob published a piece in the 1991 EPA journal called “Pizza at Midnight” to document their hard work in case anyone had doubts. After the rule change and the article John, Rob and Nancy were celebrities within the EPA. Rob’s wife Nancy was appointed by Obama to oversee the DP oil spill, John Brenner rose in rank and influence at the EPA even getting lobbyists to help defray the cost of a luxury Mercedes. John Beale decided with his future cemented within the EPA and the absence of a Dr. NO to his every request, he would ride on his notoriety.

The requests started small, he told his boss he needed handicapped parking in a nearby garage for his “malaria” he got when he didn’t serve in Vietnam. Two hundred dollars a month wasn’t too much for the EPA to pay for his private space. Then he decided when flying all over for “climate change” conferences it wouldn’t do for someone of his stature to fly coach. He told his boss Gina McCarthy he had “back problems”, not wanting to question an EPA celebrity the wish was granted costing more than $1,000 per ticket.

Not content with leaving work early for doctor appointments as often as possible Mr. Beale began to fill his Wednesday public calendar with out of office “D. O. Oversight”, or Director of Operations for the CIA. When no one questioned it he began to fill weeks at a time sometime months, once for over eight months. Even though he was hardly ever at work the bonuses for his good “work” kept rolling in. From retention bonuses to performance and even accomplishment awards totaling half a million in addition pay.

Bored with sitting at home drinking hot chocolate in his pajamas Mr. Beale began to charge first class flights for his important government work to his vacation house in Cape Cod and relatives in California. It was only when the bonuses stopped and maintaining the deception became tiresome that he planned his retirement. He threw himself a big party and invited the whole office so everyone would know he was leaving. Well everyone but payroll whom he never submitted retirement paperwork. He did lose his free first class tickets but has no need to show up at work at all, everyone thinks he’s retired.

It wasn’t until his boss Gina McCarthy looking over ways to cut for sequester finds Mr. Beale still on the payroll. The same Beale who invited her to his lavish retirement party. In typical government fashion they got right on it and a year later stopped his pay and began to investigate.

So our hero Mr. Beale had no idea of the future as he feasted on gourmet food at 40,000 feet on his way to London what the future would hold. Little did he realize the taxpayers would not look as kindly to his games as everyone in the EPA. His retirement would start at a federal country club prison and a large check to the taxpayers. Since he did find the time to submit his retirement to payroll and all his expenses will be covered for the first two years all in all it was worth it to him.



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