Are you tired of the dating scene?
Sick of superficial interactions?
Do you leave dates and singles events feeling more lonely and discouraged than ever?
How many times have you had an experience like this one:
You’re about to go out on a date. You dress your sharpest, check for spinach between your teeth, make sure you have breath mints, square your shoulders, put on your best face, and out the door you go.
Only to find out, 10 minutes into the date, that you wish you hadn’t gone, that there is no way this person is relationship material, and what were you thinking, anyway?
Well, you’re not the only one.
You probably already know this. The dating scene doesn't work.
So don't take it personally. You are set up to fail before you even show up.
We’re glad to be able to tell you that it’s not because you’re “flawed” somehow or “messed-up”.
And it certainly isn’t because there aren’t any good men, or fabulous women out there.
It’s the “dating system” that is flawed. It’s the whole dating setup that is “messed-up”, and when you do it the traditional way, your chances of success are very slim.
That also explains why it doesn’t take care of you to simply learn a new great communication technique, or join another online dating platform. You bring with you to each new interaction the same old ideas of how to do date. What you need is not fancier wrapping, it’s new and clean content!
Here are a few observations we have made about dating:
When you meet someone on a date, neither of you really see each other.
You talk but don't feel heard. They talk but you don’t really listen.
You reach out but don't feel connected.
You leave feeling more lonely than you did before you went out.
From our experience, dates don’t work because there is so much judging, assessing, impressing, withholding, deciding, wanting and needing going on that no one is really being with each other. There is very little space left for either of you to enjoy authentic, intimate relating.
Have you ever had this experience? Someone looks at you and you look at them and within two seconds you have already decided whether or not you are going to see each other again? Have you ever gone through the motions of a flat, dishonest evening anyway, pretending you don't notice or feel the obvious?
Like the white elephant in the living room no one’s talking about?
There are many reasons why this happens. Actually, there are 20 reasons why dates don’t work and you’re set up to fail.
We’re going to give you seven of the biggest ones.
Once you’ve read them, you’ll probably recognize yourself having done some of them. Maybe even recently. Don’t fret about it too much, and be easy on yourself.
Every single one of us is doing the best we know at any given time. Wouldn’t you be doing it differently if you knew a better way, a way that got you closer to what you want? Of course you would.
This is a first step in totally revamping your idea of dating and how to about creating relationship from where you currently are.
Here goes, the seven reasons why dates don’t work:
1. Your “list” of what you want in a partner prevents you from actually BEING with the people you meet. Because of that, relationship can't develop.
Relationships don’t grow from lists or plans. Relationships grow from the connection that is present between you, and if you’re not present to it, you will miss even the greatest of opportunities.
You end up actually having a relationship with your comparative list instead of the human being across from you. Also, when you’re comparing the person to your list (which you do whether you notice it or not, inside a split second), you’re residing in your head, and not in your heart, which is where love lives.
2. You try so hard to impress each other that authenticity goes out the window. Relationship can't build when people are hiding, pretending, or trying. It’s like two people holding up big cardboard smiley faces in front of them, and hoping the smiley faces will fall in love with each other. Smiley faces don’t fall in love. People do.
Relationship flows when people are honest and real, showing the other person who they actually are, not who they OUGHT to be, or what their IMAGE of themselves is. Relationship builds when people dare to be real and relate to one another heart-to-heart.
3. Your identification as a single person keeps you stuck in a single mindset. When you say, “I’m single”, you state it as declaration of fact; as a part of who you really are, instead of as a temporary situation that will change.
From your identification with being single, you cannot be in relationship.
I (Christian) remember when I was single in my late twenties. As more and more of my friends got married and had kids, they had less and less time to hang out with us singles. So we hung out together, did “singles things”, went to “singles events”, looked for other singles, talked about singles ... it was as if my identity as a single person got more and more solid and fixed, became self-reinforcing and hence more difficult to change.
To create a relationship, you need to take on a “relationship mindset”. You need to be able to visualize yourself as being in a relationship. Begin to see yourself in relationship to others – the person you interact with at the post office, grocery store or church. See yourself “being” in relationship wherever you go, including out on dates. This will create a powerful energetic shift in your interactions and will allow for more relatedness and connection.
4. What you think you want is not really what you want (this is just as true for people in relationship). This keeps you from getting what you want.
Most of us go through life chasing what we THINK we want, and when we find it, we find ourselves disappointed, because it wasn’t really what we wanted.
Let’s give an example. You think you want to find a handsome man with a healthy career who likes taking walks and loves to cook great food. You think you want that. But that is not what you REALLY want, trust us on that.
What you REALLY want is a wonderful experience with someone.
Let me ask you a question. Can you have a horrible experience with someone who is handsome, has a great career and loves to cook? And can you have a GREAT experience with someone who is a lousy cook and is in between jobs? Of course you can. And what would you pick if it came right down to it?
A lot of times, we are so busy looking for the handsome, rich, pretty ones that we don’t recognize the wonderful people we come across every day with whom we could experience all of what we REALLY want.
It is important to know what you REALLY want in order to get it. Elsewhere, we teach you how to quickly go from what you THINK you want to what you REALLY want, because, you can only get what you really want if you know what it is.
5. WANTING a relationship prevents you from HAVING one, so unfortunately, the more you long for a relationship, the more relationship can't show up.
Did you know that “wanting” and “having” can't exist in the same space, at the same time?
This is one of the biggest obstacles to creating a fabulous relationship. You WANT IT so much, and the more you want one, the less you have one!
You have to learn how to move out of wanting to having: Wanting → having. Only then can you have anything you dream of in relationship.
6. You show up to a date to just "see" how you "feel" about this person. As if you are a passive observer of a movie. Since both of you show up to just “check it out”, you’re waiting for the other person to provide the content, to somehow show you IF they have anything of interest to offer.
In other words, you both show up waiting for the other to be interesting. It’s like showing up to a potluck, where everyone came to eat, but no one brought any food! It feels flat and pointless.
You need to learn to CREATE on dates instead of WAIT for anything meaningful to take place. Once you start creating, you have moved yourself into the realm of infinite relationship possibility.
7. You think dating is different from being in relationship. You view dating as the means to get into relationship, and once you have “found” a relationship, only then do you begin to be in ... well, relationship!
Dating is NOT different from being in relationship. If you let it, and if you know how, dating can be an exquisite and enticing part of being in relationship.
There you have it. And those are only seven of twenty (20) reasons why dating as you’ve always done it doesn’t work.
Wayne Dyer said, "We don't get what we want, we get who we are."
If you aren't getting the dating experiences you want; if you aren’t getting the relationship you want, it is because of who you are being.
The good news is, you can change who you are being. Dating doesn't have to be this way. You do not have to wait until you find the perfect partner before you can experience love, and be intimate and happy. There’s a whole new way to be in relationship with the people you date that is rewarding, fulfilling, intimate and nourishing ...
So how do you do that? Start by reading this paper again, and glean from it the next level of understanding. A wise man once taught there are 10 levels of understanding to any new insight. Right now, you’re at level one or two. Read it again, and deepen your understanding. Remember, this paper isn’t really about dating techniques or how to fix a broken dating system; no, it’s about a new way of life.
From this new point of view, dating can show up as a rich opportunity to be in relationship NOW, an opportunity to enjoy precious connection with another being, no matter whom you’re dating. Whether you want to see this person again or not becomes unimportant, because you’re having such a great time.
Bio: Sonika Tinker, MSW, and Christian Pedersen, loving husband-wife team, are Relationship Experts, coaches, mediators, trainers and authors with over 40 years combined experience coaching and leading courses helping hundreds of singles and couples to dramatically improve relationships. Owners of LoveWorks, a cutting-edge relationship training company, both are passionately committed to shifting the current relationship paradigm from blame, resignation and scarcity to one of joyful, expansive, delightful co-creation. They offer a unique leading-edge relationship solution that is uplifting, light-hearted and powerfully effective. Loveworksforyou.com