In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published On Death and Dying, a book that listed the emotional stages of grief she observed in terminally ill patients, those affected by unexpected bad news, and, in a little-known appendix to the main text, people who purchase full-price hardcover books they later discover to be awful.
Although Dr. Kübler-Ross originally identified five Stages of Grief, modern psychiatrists (who many experts believe were peeved at the price of Organic Chemistry textbooks they could only get half price for when they tried to sell them back to the Student Union) added two more stages.
The resulting Seven Stages of Grieving are more relevant now than ever, particularly when you consider that the intersection of $30-plus hardcover new releases, hysterically inflated book reviews and blurbs, and an ever-decreasing amount of personal disposable income combine to form a flammable and rage-making mixture.
Traumatized over your last book purchase? Understanding the Seven Stages of Grieving can help. You CAN move from wanting to slowly shred every page to quiescent literary acceptance. (Maybe.)
The Seven Stages of Grieving After Purchasing a Full-Price Hardcover Book You Later Find To Be Awful
1. Shock
This first stage can set in anywhere from one to twenty pages into the book and is characterized by a feeling of numbness, coldness, difficulty focusing, and an irresistible urge to sleep regardless of the time of day. If, during this period, curious onlookers attempt to ask you what the book is about or your opinion on it, you will find yourself oddly unable to give a coherent answer.
2. Denial
After the initial shock dulls, you will begin to make outlandish justifications in an effort to avoid facing the realization that you could have received more pleasure from making a bonfire out of the money used to purchase the book than reading it. Common statements uttered during this stage include: "You know, it's taking me a while to get into the story but I think it's going to be really good"; "It's very dense and thought-provoking. I just need to spend a little more time on it"; "It's not like anything I've ever read before. It's very interesting."
3. Anger
This stage is characterized by melodramatic explosions of wrath directed towards anyone even tangentially connected to your decision to purchase the book. This can include spouses/boyfriends/significant others ("Why didn't you tell me that your dad hated this book until after I bought it?"), booksellers ("Those idiots over there have no idea what they're doing."), and book critics ("That is the last time I ever take anything that dope says seriously.") You may find yourself leaving cruel and anonymous comments regarding the book on websites, writing poisonous letters to editors ("I suggest you find yourself a book reviewer who can identify a decent book without the assistance of a compass and trained guide."), and canceling your subscription to the New York Times Book Review. Those around you will be subjected to long and rambling harangues on the weak points of the book, including some pointed comments about the IQ, writing ability, and general all-around personality of the author. You may also experience violent urges to throw the book out of a window, burn it, use it as hamster bedding.
4. Bargaining
At some point, your anger will burn itself out. It may take 10 hours, 10 days, in some cases 10 years. You will then enter the bargaining phase, a phase in which you desperately try to find some way to ease your literary torment. This stage is characterized by the following sort of thoughts: "Maybe if I take the book back to Borders and explain what happened in a nice voice, they won't mind that I've written expletive-laced comments in all the margins"; "Maybe if I read more about the author or something else they wrote, it will help me understand/like/tolerate this thing better"; "Maybe if I put the book out in our garage sale some poor sap will buy it at full price and I'll only be out hours of my life, as opposed to hours of my life and $35."
5. Depression
This is the stage in which you finally face the stark truth: you have purchased a pricey book you hate. You then move into a deep depression. You lose interest in reading; you flinch at the thought of entering a bookstore; you become prone to gloomy prognostications about the state of literature, as in, "There just aren't any good books or writers out there anymore." You may even find yourself writing an essay or manifesto about the death of the novel.
6. Testing
Once the depression wears off -- if ever -- you begin to tentatively re-enter the literary scene. You will hear about a book making the rounds at the office and feel a slight interest in reading it. You will surf a few book review sites just to "see what's out there." You will entertain the idea of renewing your subscription to the New York Times Book Review.
7. Acceptance
Once you reach this stage, you've finally faced and come to terms with your grief at throwing good money away on a lousy book. You can trash the book, sell it for $1 (or less) at your garage sale, or donate it to Goodwill with no feelings of wrath or murder or suicide. You can confidently stride into your nearest bookstore and buy another full-price hardcover book. You've recovered! Until next time.
I've gone through my share of bouts with the Seven Stages of Grieving After Purchasing a Full Price Hardcover Book I Later Hated. Here, I confess (and rant) about some of them: Confession Time: 10 books I should love...but, for some reason, I hate (And don't miss its evil twin, Confession Time, Part 2: 10 books I should hate...but, for some reason, I love)
More for the unrepentant book lover:
Book Lush 101: The History of English Literature, Adult Beverage-style
The 50 best author vs. author put-downs of all time
Book Review Bingo: More book review cliche fun that you can shake a riveting, unputdownable stick at
It's gripping! It's luminous! It's the maiden voyage of the Reviewerspeak Awards!
Engrossing, vivid, unstoppable: The Reviewerspeak Award results for April 2010
Hilarious yet heartbreaking: The Reviewerspeak Award results for May 2010
A first date with Mr. Sony Reader
How to overcome poetry phobia: A 3 step rehabilitation plan for those averse to verse
How to learn to love Ulysses for anti-Joyce-ites
30 famous authors whose works were rejected (repeatedly, and sometimes rudely) by publishers
10 authors every Jane Austen fan should read
A lament for the death of literary humor
Top 10 books people lie about reading
The top 20 most annoying book reviewer cliches and how to use them all in one meaningless review
10 best audiobook productions ( so good, they make the print versions seem almost boring)
Men are from Dune, women are from Pemberley? Leaping recklessly into the literary gender gap
Lizzie Skurnick's Shelf Discovery and confessions of a nerdy and ungirly girlhood
An unprivileged reader reviews The Privileges by Jonathan Dee
Reality -- it's what's for dinner: a review of Reality Hunger by David Shields
Good-bye to Fifth Avenue; Or, duck, folks! Here comes literary diversity -- finally
The Sensitive Inspector Syndrome -- the scourge of the modern British mystery novel
Comments
Hi Michelle!
Been there, done that, bought several of those books! -.- that's why now I read in my PDA/Laptop most of the time... I miss the smell tho... aaahh the smell :'(
Kate's Guide to Defensive Book-Buying:
1. Convince self to wait for paperback or borrow book from library. Bribe self with trips to Graeter's if necessary. If this doesn't work -
2. Buy hardback at Half Price Books or used from Amazon.com.
3. Put book into "Take to Half Price Books" pile if book proves to be lousy because someone somewhere will probably love it. If book is offensively lousy, use it for art projects.
4. Meet sister at Graeter's for discussion of The Sad State of the American Publishing Industry, or My Cat Could Write Better than That.
:-)
With the prices that paperbacks are getting to, ($8?? that's more than a pint of beer!!! with tip!!!) I sometimes experience that remorse about a paperback that turns out to stink!
I've become a very wary book buyer. I borrow, instead. From the library, from friends. And book swaps are my friend.
Wuthering Heights, what a waste..
It's not the paying for it that grieves me, but the wasting of my time. Life is so short, the minutes so precious, the pile of books worth reading SO high...
That was hilarious, and yes, I think it applies to full-price paperbacks, too, since those are up to $15-16 for a trade-size. I have had a REALLY bad run of luck with buying new books lately.
Love the column; but, seriously, who still buys full-price, hardcover books? Between used book stores, Amazon and libraries, I don't think I've paid full price for a book (or CD, for that matter) since college.
I'm with you, Jason. Haven't paid full price in quite a while, but even at discount rates, some prices are just too much for what you get.
That's why I keep my library card current.
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