Bill Lumbergh from the movie Office Space.
Perhaps the greatest depiction of a typical manager
to ever hit the movie screens.
You wake up on Sunday morning and all you can think about is not wanting to go to work on Monday. You feel sick when you drive to work on Monday morning. You sometimes wonder what it would feel like to tell your manager to f-off and walk out of the office. If this describes you, it's more than likely that you have a horrible boss.
There are hundreds of articles available on the internet that attempt to teach you how to deal with bad managers. This is not the aim of this article. The only true way to deal with bad managers is to get them fired or quit your job. Before you do that, here are the seven habits of a typical bad manager:
1. Patrolling the cube farm like you're the vacation police.
At some point in every horrible manager's career, they lose focus on what actually matters to the business. For some this happens immediately. For others, this happens because of pressure from their own manager who also happens to be completely inept. Tracking sick days and vacation days like a hawk is just one example of managers lacking a true understanding of their value to the organization. They'll go to extraordinary lengths to ensure vacation and sick days are tracked appropriately, often instituting ridiculous and insulting rules such a "Days off x 10" policy that requires an employee to give one month notification for a two day vacation.
Result: The four days they saved the company in hypothetical lost productivity had a $1280 price tag. Unfortunately, the manager used $24,000 of their own time to save those four days.
2. Promising Pangaea and delivering Delaware.
Managers never ruin a chance to please their own supervisors. When push comes to shove, the ineffective manager always gets shoved. Because of this, they never inform anyone that they cannot fulfill the massive number of requests coming in from the customer. Instead, they agree to everything and inform their team that they will be working unpaid overtime to ensure its success.
Result: In the end, nobody received what they wanted and the manager is despised by everyone.
3. Appearance takes precedence over results.
This is not only true of the actual work they perform, but also true of their own physical appearance. Managers love to beat the dress code. If an office has a casual dress code, managers dress business casual. If an office is business casual, the manager dresses professional. If everyone else is dressing professional, the bad managers are finally exposed for who they really are -- a worthless member of the corporation.
Result: They are promoted for dressing nice because their manager was promoted for dressing nice. And the cycle continues on.
4. Spending their entire day in Microsoft Project like a child in a sandbox.
The worst thing that ever happened to project management is Microsoft Project. While it may have some benefits, many managers spend nearly their entire day 'moving things around' in Microsoft Project. What once was considered a job that required actual business skills is now a job requiring the entry of fake dates into a piece of software, and then moving those dates when they are missed.
Result: Every member of the project or department ignores the manager because everything they do and say is meaningless.
5. Becoming the office minuteman (or minute-woman).
The term "key action items" was invented by managers who do nothing but take notes during a meeting. They have no idea what's going on in a meeting. Their presence exists solely to record the events of the meeting, thus making them the most expensive court reporter in the state. The only time they speak up is to make sure they've captured the "key action items" for each person in the meeting. Following the meeting, the minutes they send to each attendee barely make sense, making it very apparent that they have absolutely no idea what they're doing.
Result: The manager makes everything more confusing and no one knows what they are actually supposed to do.
6. Positioning yourself to be sure that failure is blamed on others.
One of the most important aspects to any successful manager is the ability to place blame on others. It's inevitable that you will fail more than you will succeed. However, managers who make it in the business world are always focused on what truly matters -- their own arse. It isn't important that things get done. It's important that you aren't blamed when nothing gets done.
Result: Same result as #7 below.
7. Jumping ship.
Similar to the above, jumping ship is the more drastic version of shifting blame on to others. If there is one thing that every over-promoted manager has in common, it's the uncanny ability to jump ship before the ship sinks. Grand ideas that cause massive sweeping changes to projects and departments are surprisingly common within the corporate world. The majority of these grand ideas result in catastrophic failure -- but the managers who escape before the storm are applauded for their wonderful ideas and fantastic execution. Three months later, the employees still on the project are left cleaning up their mess and are demoted for their poor work ethic and lack of innovation.
Result: The manager is continually promoted until they reach a C-Level executive position at which point they look back at the forest fire they created and then jump ship to a new company and start over again, but this time at the executive level. Rinse and repeat.
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'Seven Habits' is a recurring article appearing in Dudley B. Dawson's Life in the Cubicle column at completely random moments.
View the Seven Habits of: Highly Effective Slackers | Highly Annoying Emailers | Disrespectful Work Poopers | Morbidly Obese Coworkers | Typical Bad Managers | Highly Effective Interns | Defective Conference Call Leaders | Incapable Technotards | Highly Anal Employees | Highly Arrogant Employees | Highly Disengaged Employees
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Comments
Yet another hilarious, and sadly true, article. I'm dealing with a combo of 1, 3, and 5. This equates to a day of avoiding the boss that patrols the cubes, taking endless notes about what we're doing, all while "out-dressing" us in his cheap suit.
I would can your butt so quick if you worked for me. You are completely clueless when it comes to business.
1. I have to track vacation time because of jerks like you that think they can screw the system.
2. Letting clients know they are getting what they want is how you sell an idea or project. It's only natural to have to scale things back. That isn't bad business.
3. The fact that I wear a suit doesn't make me a bad manager. It's not my fault you are a pathetic human being.
4. If you can find me another way to effectively manage a project without the use of Microsoft Project I'll give you huge money. To this point, no one has discovered a better method.
5. It is increasingly important to capture important items from all meetings because young people like yourself, I assume you are a young punk, never take notes and rarely follow through on important actions.
6. Managers position themselves during a project not to cover their own butt but to position their en
...entire department for success. It has nothing to do with what you are referring to.
7. People aren't jumping ship. They are being promoted and recognized for their innovation and brilliance...something you would surely never understand.
You felt offended by the article, which can only mean you found one too many points that reminded you of yourself.
Go patrol the cubes, in a suit, on casual friday, while every decent person in there despises you.
Heck, even call the person who called in sick just to make sure they're not faking it!
"If I were your manager," I am a manager and if i was yours I would tell you that you are an overbearing jerk who does nothing but put forth a negative attitude because every employee upsets you in some way. Indeed every point in this article reminds you of your own self loathing ways. Do you ever wonder why your employees say as little as possible to you and at the same time only perform well enough to keep their job? This article is supposed to be funny, it's ok to laugh.
True words. I know it has to be kept to seven, but I can think of a few more.
8. Relying on shouting to fix any problem.
9. Constantly demanding your employees work faster, even when there's no pressing deadline.
10. Trying to guilt-trip or bully your employees into doing what you want.
Amen to #4. Enough already with a spreadsheet that tracks everything from deliverables to the color socks you wore at the launch meeting. You gotta be engrossed in it 6 hours a day to understand how it can help you.
Excellent as always, Booger. Might I also add, "Takes two weeks to make a decision on even the most menial topics."
Worked for one of those guys once. Sucked.
Nice ones.. I may add some more if you permit.
a)Stealing the show from their subordinates - Often it happens that when the focus is on the success, these bad managers will depict them as the real achievers.
b) Not owning the failure - This is again similar but reverse to above point, in case of failure, they dont own it, but scold the subordinates infront of everybody.
c) Unwanted advise to peers - These bad managers will always poke nose in to others work and try to prove that their peers are less competent than themselves. They always give advise to others just to prove that they know better..
Notwithstanding *If I were your manager's* roid rage, he's got a point, but so has Dudley B. Fact is that bad managers were probably once bad employees, so slackers are found everywhere from the basement to the penthouse view.
When someone asked me what people management is, I generally comment that it's a combination of traffic controller, reminder service and psychologist. And occasionally a policeman. Go figure what you need to keep on top of that...
Great piece, Dudley. May I also add, Never seen at work ("I can work remotely from my home"), always at clubs ("When will it be Friday night?")
Great peice on so many levels. It's interesting because I am often questioning myself even on some of these specific things...and I do think "oh I AM a bad manager" but then when I look for validation of this, it doesn't happen..I am told how great I am. As a manager, I am very guilty of one these items....and I am glad to finally see the validation of it here because while it make look good to my bosses...it isn't good for my staff.
In response to Barcelona's comment about bad mangers being bad workers...lol...in one place I worked the running joke was that the people who worked would never be promoted because then there would be no one to do the actual work.
To "If I Were"...Are you saying you wouldn't be a "good" manager without MS Project because you wouldn't be able to manage your projects without it? If so then it means that just about anyone could do your job....It's just a tool that anyone could learn how to use...Just wondering.
I think this piece is being taken out of context. I think a prerequisite to being able to comment on this is to have watched Office Space. I can relate to feeling sick everyday because of many of these habits. No one is saying that there aren't good managers out there- just that they should realize that a hostile work environment sucks. I think if each manager (and employee for that matter) looks within themselves to realize the cause and effect of their actions (and the lives if others) it could be beneficial for both sides. For now I have to put up with the bullying! Cheers!
Awesome, simply awesome! Personally burnt by points 6 and 7 and so know that it is true at least some of the time! Sad, but true! And now I'm in the job market for 6 months!! At least if it was the recession that cost me my job, I wouldn't have minded so much.
If there was one thing I would change in business, it would be getting people to take their wardrobe seriously and dress professionally. Way too many people dress like they're going out to plow the back 40. There's a reason managers dress better. They know it helps to be taken more seriously, it shows respect for the work, it makes clients feel more important, and it makes you look like you're actually done with college. People who think it's a benefit to dress like a punk probably have other values I don't want in my company. If you think dress doesn't matter there's probably lots of other things you think don't matter that really do. Finally doesn't anyone have any sense of dignity or class anymore?
CEO - I completely agree with you. If there was one thing I could change, it would be the way people look and not how they perform. I mean, just look at those friggen morons over at Google with their jeans and t-shirts. They haven't accomplished squat! You know why? Too much Denim!
The reason managers dress better is because they know that YOU will take them more seriously. Unfortunately, you don't pay attention to the crap spewing from their mouth or their complete inability to perform their job, and the cycle continues.
People who think it's a requirement to dress like a clown in a suit probably have other values I don't want in my company...like the inability to focus what's important in succeeding at a job.
And finally, what do you consider to be classy? Jazz? An aged scotch? Playing the back 9 while smoking cigars?
I feel like I'm addressing Montgomery Burns.
Funny, 'if you were a manager' never heard of software to manage projects based on the principles of Lean Six Sigma?
Microsoft Project, ugh.
"If I were your manager"--
- The article is supposed to be funny.
- There are managers who have bad sense of humor. They're always angry because they think it's going to get the team more productive.
- Acceptable subrdinates are those who dress like them, talks like them, and always agree with them.
- They seem to follow standard processes but just don't get it. Leave/vacation tracker's main purpose is not to keep tab of dishonest employees but for planning. In my work place I onced book leave way way in advance. I was told I can't. I asked why. Answer? Because we might be busy during that month. Leave/vacation tracker is supposed to feed into the planning. But then again, I see more managers who are good dressers than good planners. Seriously...I previously did audits for a very respected multinational company.
There are people who are ineffective and have bad manners. Some happens to be managers.
I was waiting for someone to write this. Most of the seniors and outdated people may justify these things and find them most important as they cant do anything more than the drama part mentioned in the article. Many thinkers have taken different stances on describing this common crisis affecting the corporate world, but one thing is for sure, that one reason remains the same for all and that there is a bad managers hidden somewhere within all of us and these things are helping in making co.s bankrupt. The world needs to go back to the mantra of atleast some minimum level of honesty, work ethics and lesser drama to prove that "I am here coz i Deserve' in the office.
Dudley you are a riot. While I prefer to dress professionally (I just can't do denim well for work - I've tried) it doesn't mean that I expect that of everyone. Dressing professionally DEFINITELY should NOT be at the expense of what someone brings to the job. I work in an environment where only a handful of us dresss "professionally". Of those that dress very casually? MANY Top performers...I wouldn't trade them for a suit at any price.
Thanks for the chuckle...the best part is so many commentors took this seriously. Brilliant !
Great article and truer words were never said! Another habit that some bad managers practice is to reprimand or chastise an employee in the presence of other employees. This practice is not only bad, but could lead to legal action being taken by an employee, especially in a larger, publicly-held corporation. Bad managers are often quite careless in what they say and how they say things to correct employees when they are trying to show their staff "who's the boss".
Does this guy ever give advice that is intended to actually help people instead of just entertain the 'I hate my job' croud?
BlahBlahBob - You're right Bob. And priests should start teaching teenage boys how to score with chicks.
BlahBlahBob,
You strike me as the type of guy who walks into a Sushi restaurant and complains that they don't have a burger on the menu.
It would only be funny if it wasn't sooo true!
The only time office clothing makes a difference to me is if a plump girl tries to pull off something she shouldn't. Like this girl in my department, a lot of times she's showing off back fat like she's Brittney Spears. And a couple of times she's bent over in jeans and it was very clear there was no underwear in use whatsoever. I mean, come on, this isn't good for anybody.
This article identifies 7 habits of bad managers, but ironically also establishes that by practicing these bad habits is what allows them to succeed! Sounds like a "catch 22" situation. The next article should be "The 7 habits of good AND SUCCESSFUL managers."
In other words, how can GOOD managers survive and succeed, when they work in a corrupt system, and may have a bad supervisor themselves?
Good practice!
How would you know what it takes to be a good manager? There is no way someone like you will ever be a manager. You can't even manage your own life you loser.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jill: I truly feel sorry for you. You wanted to be the "dissenting voice because I have made it my own duty to ensure that good corporate citizens do not read Dudley B. Dawson and think of him as anything but a negative, twisted loser of a human being". You have NO idea how sound rational at ALL. Even if those articles were supposed to be serious (which they are NOT btw), commenting the way you do with no objective thinking and sounding like a loser wont make people even bother take your comments seriously but rather to make their day which is what I usually do. I look for your sore comments for comic relief only. :)
Dudley: Good reply on BlahBlahBob & CEO. I was thinking Google when I read CEO's reply as well :D One has to dress good depending on the situation but it shouldn't be the measure for a "good" worker.
People just don't understand that being restrained in any form hinders productivity.
I'm all for not looking like a total slob at work, but work attire should be comfortable. Pinchy shoes, itchy trousers, or a too-tight waistband can be quite distracting, if you are trying to do a complex analysis or write a report. Also impacting productivity: AC that varies in effectiveness from room to room. It's hard to work if your office seems to be located in the Arctic or the Bahamas. That said, I'll take the Arctic over the Bahamas. At least you can put a sweater on.
I do 7 out of 7. Woo hoo!
I work outside,so when I hear that you're office is too cold or hot,I got one thing to say.TOUGH!!! Try working outside with the elements.
Company Red Flags:
1. Revenue hazy, contract details unknown, deal size not disclosed
2. Nobody has talked to a customer, ever
3. Deliverables never get delivered
Manager red flags:
1. Dislikes problem solvers
2. Schedules meetings for team while away
3. Never talks to a customer
4. Even basic knowledge is 15+ years old and wrong
5. Lives by slideware discovered on corp. file shares
6. Interprets ignorance as positive attitude
7. Plays favorites
Great post! Finding a job you like and don't find unbearable is really difficult. Not to mention trying to balance it with everything else in life. Thanks for the post.
I recently came across this blog that I thought added some insight and levity into the issue and was enjoyable: http://burisonthecouch.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/family-member-dating/
I’d love to see more like it. Thanks!
Pete
I want to hear your experience under the heavy hand and watchful eye of the micromanager. Email a short story (max. 500 words) or a cartoon about your experience to microbaron@gmail.com. Stories/cartoons will be posted on a free public blog about micromanagers and will serve to educate ineffective managers through humor. There is no money involved and your anonymity will be respected.
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