Most fights in a marriage start with failed expectations. You have expectations for him and he doesn’t follow through, which disappoint you and leads to a fight. The truth is, our expectations are important to us and we take these failures personally while most of the time we shouldn't. Maybe he is tired or maybe he is lazy, but he didn’t do it to upset you. He just didn’t want to do whatever it is you expected him to do. We need to be reasonable with our expectations.
Let’s clarify what reasonable means in a marriage. Your marriage is unique, it consists of two people, from different walks of life, that come together and unite to become one. Your husband is your partner but he isn’t perfect. Reasonable expectations are not generic, they are unique to your marriage. For example, if you expect your husband to take out the garbage but he never does it without you yelling at him, WHY would you expect him to do it without your prompting? Your setting yourself up for a fight because it obviously isn’t a reasonable expectation in your current marital situation. Such expectations constantly leave you disappointed, and that disappointment will grow into other negative emotions. It’s better to expect him not to take out the garbage, then if he happens to do it, be surprised and grateful.
Obviously the way we currently respond to him not meeting our expectations is not helping. How can we change the outcome of our feelings and build a stronger relationship?
Challenge: Write down all of the expectations that you have for your husband. The list that you make will probably contain a number of expectations that you feel are never met. Now that you have recognized those areas, it’s up to you to re-evaluate those expectations and change your perspective where needed to not take things personally.
Decide in your mind that you will no longer expect what is on that list. If you come home and your expectation hasn’t been met, in this case the garbage hasn’t been taken out, just take care of it. The challenge here is that you can’t be upset about it because you no longer expect it. He might even say, ‘oh I was going to do that’ just smile and say something nice back like, ‘I just beat you to it.’ Most men don't like being beaten to anything. He can tell in your voice and the words that you use if you are upset or disappointed, so don’t be.
Now if he did happen to take out the garbage, make it a BIG DEAL. Tell him how grateful you are and how meaningful it is to you.
Honestly, he may look at you like you have lost your mind, but you have to express to him how important it is that he followed through with something that is important to you. Remember, he didn't mean it personally when he missed the mark, you need to capture his attention now to show him it is something that affects you in a positive way when he does meet your expectations. Normally we just express how important it is through anger and disappointment. This new way of reacting will cause him to do things for you out of love instead of fear of fighting.
Your husband married you because he loves you, so he will always want to make you happy. However, this doesn’t mean that he will automatically do everything that you have on your expectation list. You may be stuck taking out the garbage more times than not and you have to be ok with that. Wiping out expectations will set you free from the feeling of disappointment. Find your unique balance in your marriage, and you will find that you are both happier and have more time to love each other.
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