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The Santacide Suspects

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Detective vs. The Puppetrators  Photo by Amanda Schlicher

W h o  K i l l e d  S a n t a?
by Neil Haven

December 4th to the 27th at Bay View Brew Haus 2535 S. Kinnickinic Ave.

Call 414-839-7801 or email for tickets.

What was intended to be a delightful holiday celebration at Santa’s North Pole residence goes horribly awry when Santa is abruptly murdered by one of his guests. One of these characters below is guilty of putting Santa’s lights out permanently. Was it Frosty the Snowman? The Little Drummer Boy? Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Tiny Tim? Or Chastity, the Little Drummer Girl? With two days until Christmas, time is of the essence to uncover Santa’s killer and save the holiday. Each character is rife with motive. It could be any one of them. Tracks have been covered and evidence is sketchy at best but one thing is certain: the most wonderful time of the year will never be the same.

You the audience will be judge and jury for the one who nixes St. Nick. Best to come prepared, so here’s a closeup look at our Puppetrators. I implore you, don’t be fooled by their beloved reputations or ultra-cute appearances. Look closely, one of them is a hard hearted Santa slayer.


Chastity the Little Drummer Girl

Height: 5' - 4"
Weight: 118 lbs.
Occupation: New holiday character.
Description: Whoa, baby! Hot stuff comin’ at ya!
Known Associates: Santa Claus. The entire male population of the west coast.
Prior Arrests or Convictions: None, however, many have decided it was necessary to follow her and stake out her house.
Alias: The Little Drummer Girl.
Unusual Characteristics: One large arm. Simultaneously naughty and nice.

 Who is Chastity Snumin? As the newest holiday character, Chastity is a bit of a mystery. No one seems to know much about her. This is what we do know: She was invited to the holiday party by Santa himself. Her relationship with Santa seems more than just professional. She’s supposedly the Little Drummer Girl, but what kind of holiday icon drummer doesn’t carry a drum or even a drumstick? She appears wholly innocent upon first impression but, like the Cratchit kid, there’s a kind of pristine-sweetness to her character that comes across as less than genuine.

Frosty Snowman


Height: 5' - 10"
Weight: 215lbs. Heavier when wet.
Occupation: Jolly happy soul.
Description: Blinding white surface. Wears a magician's hat and a scarf. Corncob pipe, button nose, eyes made of coal, no pants.
Known Associates: Wendy and other Children.
Prior Arrests or Convictions: Child abduction. Indecent exposure. Disobeying traffic cop.
Alias: Frost E. Snowmann
Unusual Characteristics: Made of snow, making him completely defenseless against heat. Goes "thumpety thump thump."

Frosty was just an ordinary snowman until he came to life one day by the magic of a magician’s hat placed on his head by a group of children. This is not some abominable creature that terrorizes paranoid villagers, this suspect is much, much worse. Frosty the Snowman is more dense than a bag of rocks. The target of much torment by his peers for his vacuous nature and for being only a Winter– not a Christmas –character, Frosty Snowman may have reached his level of tolerance and taken it out on Mr. Claus. That dumfounded expression, those watery eyes. He’s clearly a snowman that’s lost his freeze. Let’s not forget that this tri-snowball character is a continual pipe smoker. 

Steve the Little Drummer Boy


Height: 6' - 2"
Weight: 98lbs.
Occupation: Drummer.
Physical Description: Tanned skin. Very lanky. An emaciated appearance. Long, unwashed hair.
Known Associates: The Messiah, Three Wise Men, Farm Animals.
Prior Arrests or Convictions: Disturbing the peace.
Alias: Steve.
Unusual Characteristics: Always carries drum and drumsticks with him wherever he goes. Will drum for you in lieu of gifts.

He was once a small boy who gave the only thing he had to a baby named Jesus: his talent to make a rhythmic hollow sound. It brought him fame and cemented a place for him alongside the three wise men, the would-be messiah and a host of desert animals. Like most child stars this little boy drummer grew up with a skewed perspective on life. Now he’s just a bitter musician who can’t get a gig and seems to have a mighty big bone to pick with Santa. Sure, we like to hear them play and music would just be bland noise without them, but let’s be honest: No one trusts a drummer. They all need anger therapy and the Drummer Boy, Little is no exception. He’s a percussionist. It’s his job to beat. The question is: What has he been beating?

"Tiny" Tim Cratchit


Height: 3' - 9"
Weight: 65lbs.
Occupation: Unemployed holiday icon. Medical testing subject.
Description: Small and pale. Sickly appearance. Usually dressed in ragged clothing. Wooden crutch.
Known Associates: Ebenezer Scrooge, Pip.
Prior Arrests or Convictions: Extortion. Racketeering. Underage drinking.
Alias: Tiny.
Unusual Characteristics: A fond appreciation for figgy pudding. Blesses everyone. May be contagious.

 Small does not mean virtuous. In fact, the smaller they are, the more suspicious they can be. Tim Cratchit, the poor lame son of destitute Bob Cratchit, may appear physically sick and weak, and perhaps he his, but what of his mind? Is it possible that his brain has gone unaffected by his numerous chronic afflictions? Doubtful. Never underestimate the power of the mind to overcome any and all physical shortcomings. Add to that a holiday grudge, sexual frustration and repression, and it’s possible that Santa Claus could become the target of his repressed rage. If the meek are destined to inherit the Earth then this kid’s place is secure, but everyone has a turning point and no one is completely innocent.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer


Height: 4' - 9" (including antlers)
Weight: 190 lbs.
Occupation: Beast of burden.
Description: Brown. Quadrupred. Ungulate. Funny voice. Nice rack.
Known Associates: Misfits. Hermey the dentist. Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, etc.
Prior Arrests or Convictions: Drunk and disorderly. Reckless flying. Gross Indecency.
Alias(es): Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Rudolph Reindeere. Names like "Pinocchio"
Unusual Characteristics: Very shiny red nose, like a lightbulb. Has the ability to fly. Known to be paralyzed by automobile headlights. Likes "reindeer games" like Monopoly.

 Reindeer are unpredictable animals, violent and accustomed to living by their wits in the wilds of the winter forest. If pushed to the edge or cornered, who knows what this creature is capable of, and Rudolph the Red-Nosed, famous though he may be, is still very much a part of that feral heritage. Forget the stories you’ve heard about him being ostracized from the games. Forget that he was shunned, ridiculed, rejected, and eventually cast out of his community to live as a misfit. This history is no excuse for possible cold-blooded-murder. Even though Rudolph and his unique snout were eventually welcomed back into the fold, isn’t it possible he still holds a grudge? This is fact: No one gave two coal lumps about this dreary deer until he could do something for them. Exploitation breeds revenge. And Rudolph may have indeed served it very cold.

So, who killed Santa Claus? Starting December 4th, it’s up to you to decide.

W h o  K i l l e d  S a n t a?
Neil Haven
December 4th through December 27th
Bay View Brew Haus 2535 S. Kinnickinnic Ave.

The show is co-directed by Laurie Birmingham and Dan Katula and features Amy Geyser, Bo Johnson, Rick Pendzich, Sophia Petropoulos, Nate Press, and Liz Shipe. Curtain times are 8:00pm Fridays, 4:00pm and 8:00pm Saturdays, and 7:00pm Sundays. No performance on December 25th.

To reserve tickets call 414-839-7801 or email Due to limited seating reservations are highly recommended.

For more useful (useless) information and an eclectic hodgepodge of stuff including more photos, discussions, and silly posts visit the Who Killed Santa? Facebook Fan Page: Santa Slayers Inc.