Recently I was forwarded this clip to sex and relationship columnist and LGBTQ advocate Dan Savage’s commentary on what he coins, the “price of admission” for relationships. In other words, we enter relationships with both our attributes and flaws. However, it’s the latter that Savage believes just comes with the territory; and that in order to have happy, healthy, and successful relationships, there are just some things we have to accept or simply, give less shit about.
In my own relationship, I am the messier partner. I leave out my shoes, cardigans, and whatever else I took out of my bag that day. And, if I’m writing a paper – forget it! Books, articles, and highlighters are scattered about. I hate cleaning and if I had to give a percentage, I’d say that my partner does the dishes and takes out the garbage 90% of the time. I try to be mindful of my messes and some weeks, I genuinely try to contribute more.
I’m also more fashionably inclined than my partner. I love to shop: shoes, clothes, accessories, makeup, new décor for our apartment (just bought these adorable sconces from Pier 1 for our dining room)! I’ve asked him numerous times “Are you sure you realize whom you’re marrying?” I ask this because it lightens the reality of my spending inclinations and also acknowledges that my love for shopping isn’t likely to change. This is part of my price of admission! Now, this doesn’t mean that it’s OK for me to rack up a $5000 credit bill or use our rent money to buy a hot new outfit; for my partner, who is budget minded, it just means that 1. He first has to accept or reject this quality in me and 2. Since he has accepted it, he has agreed to teach me to spend within my means and manage my spending in the occasion I go over.
Similarly, my partner frequently puts the toilet paper on the roll the wrong way (over the top people!), used to run the dishwasher half full, every night...and doesn't always flush twice when he should. I've accepted these things about him and rather than being continuously annoyed, I just fix the toilet paper, flush the toilet and once he saw how expensive the damn dish detergent was, he now runs it full, every couple of days!
Savage also believes in deal breakers, of which he asserts shouldn’t exceed 5. Though he doesn’t mention examples, I would like to offer some of my own:
- Blatant disrespect with intent to severely harm. Sometimes I’m a bitch. I know this. Though my partner has never called me a bitch or said “You know, you’re acting really bitchy”…a former professor taught me, it’s not mean if it’s true! Thus, I wouldn’t be offended if he called me out on it. However, if he said something like “You worthless, stupid, piece of trash, bitch” oooh them be some fighting words! Additionally, disrespect also occurs when we don’t listen to one another and dismiss/minimize feelings that are important; neither are OK.
- Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Unless this is part of consensual foreplay, abuse is NOT OK! Remember “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you?” Lies! All lies! Words hurt. Words have consequences. Words often take longer to heal than broken bones or bruises!
- Fight fairly! An ex taught me to never deprive a woman of her anger. He was right. We all have a right to feel angry (or any other emotion for that matter). However, it’s what we do with those emotions that is most important. Bringing up previous arguments that were already settled, giving the silent treatment or ignoring your partner when he/she/ze is talking to you…is childish, immature, and rather ridiculous. Give yourself time to process your feelings and if your partner wants to talk and you’re not ready, SAY THAT! Your partner may not want to hear it, but will ultimately respect it!
- Failure to communicate. This should probably be number 1. We are not all gifted with Ms. Cleo’s talents. Talk. Listen. Listen more. Make an effort to communicate in a way that is productive, constructive, and sincere.
- Put the damn seat DOWN! If I fall in one more time…just kidding. Thought I would lighten things up a bit!
Ultimately, every relationship comes with its price of admission and it’s up to you to decide if the price is too high for your budget and sanity. Some flaws are unacceptable and should be automatic deal breakers. Other flaws, despite how annoying they can be, are really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Look at the big picture. And, just think about this: someone has to accept you for the annoying, frustrating, and irritating qualities you bring to the table!
Need advice? Have a question about sex, sexuality, relationships, or otherwise? Feel free to email Cassie with your questions, concerns, rants & raves @ sexgurucsw@gmail.com. After all, she IS your SexGuru!
Continue reading on Examiner.com Another day, another divorce: why get married at all? - Philadelphia Sex & Relationships | Examiner.comhttp://www.examiner.com/sex-relationships-in-philadelphia/another-day-another-divorce-why-get-married-at-all#ixzz1Vg1WYDbt
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