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The Next President of the United States of America Will Be...

The 57th quadrennial presidential election of the United States is less than one year away, as voters will enter the polls on November 6, 2012 to decide the short-term future of the free world.

While the Democratic Party will undoubtedly nominate current President Barack Obama for reelection, voters may pause before they check their ballots next to the incumbent’s name. Obama, who capitalized on the hopelessness of a shriveling middle class suffering from the worst economic recession since pre-World War II America, has still fallen short of his campaign promises for world peace (as evidenced in his pre-emptive Nobel Prize that has yet to come to fruition) and a return to power of the bottom 99 percent (as evidenced in his corporate bailout that led the nation to its deepest debt deficit in history and the continuing nationwide protests that now approach the winter months).

However, voters are presented with an even greater quandary this upcoming November…if not Obama, than who else?

The Republican Party (otherwise referred to as the “Grand Old Party”, or GOP), has presented the usual suspects of American rejects.

First, the former chief operating officer of the National Restaurant Association, Herman Cain, once became the “face of black politics”, according to the ignorant conservative 24 hour news stations. Cain quickly fell from grace with the revelation that he had more extra-marital affairs and instances of sexual harassment than the Republican Party’s worst nightmare, William Jefferson Clinton. On December 4, 2011, the “Cain Train” officially announced that it had suspended its presidential aspirations, although it appears obvious at this time that it will never get on track again.

Next, Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann took the Iowa Straw Poll by a storm comparable to a Midwestern tornado, but has since faded behind her testosterone driven counterparts, especially since her own camp has abandoned her campaign (with the resignation of her deputy campaign manager David Polyansky, and the demotion of her campaign manager Ed Rollins).

The former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, returned from a 13 year political hiatus to announce his candidacy in the 2012 election, but not before her inserted his expensive and spit shined penny loafers into his own controversial consonant and vowel depository of a mouth with his comments regarding his own party’s top figures.

The former governor of the Mormon capitol of the world, Jon Huntsman, has been christened as the surprise candidate to capture the nomination and dethrone the Obama Administration, of course, if the public can look past the fact that he is a self-proclaimed resident of Utah.

The current governor of Texas, Rick Perry, who became Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert’s darling after the Iowa Straw Poll, has flabbergasted most political experts and novices of grammar with his tongue strung performance at recent nationally televised debates, and has proven that the recent leaders of the Lone Star state have struggled to articulate why they should be chosen by the people.

The former third party darling, Ron Paul, announced his aspirations to win the candidacy of his former opposition’s nomination in May 2011. Although he has a small but vocal base supporters laced across the nation, his Libertarian stances on numerous issues will likely hinder him from rising to the next level of the political spectrum.

The former two-term Senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum, has finished abysmally towards the bottom in every poll since the polls were first taken, but continues to be mentioned by the national media amongst the top runners in the race, for reasons unbeknownst to most.

Finally, the biggest loser of the 2008 campaign and consequential frontrunner for the GOP in 2012, the former Massachusetts governor, Mitt Romney, continues to comfortably rest atop all polls. However, his liberal past and stances on present issues may once again lead to his demise as archival footage continuously emerges to contradict his current policies.

So, with these mug shots glaring harshly in the minds of each and every eligible voter come next November, the unreasonable notion that “if nobody votes, than everyone wins” becomes a harsh reality.


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