The White House authored budget sequester cuts, as set forth by a petrified media and denying President, are now upon us all, and woe be unto anyone who doubts there extraordinarily well-prophesied ill effects.
In fact, the utter horribleness as repeatedly described by Obama, after returning from his pre-disaster Tiger-golf vacate, has finally come to pass. Even the weeks leading up to the moribund sequester cuts would see a spider web of nightmarish episodes in sequesterial badness already beginning to infect a decidedly restive world, well, with the possible exception of Egypt, of course.
Indeed, like the mythical Mothman who mysteriously pre-appears as a terrifying paranormal harbinger of unspecified chaos to come, the President has been flying all over the US in an effort to both frighten and herald the disastrous effects of what he, himself, has stealthily engineered in placing the cuts into motion.
And terrify he has, with each chilling appearance, eyes aglow with unshrouded malice towards the spending cut thingy that should never be named, at least not in Regime circles, Obama has left a terrified gaggle of low-info devotees quaking in his wake.
No one could have earlier known what might happen as a result of the US government's being denied $ 85 billion in funding, although the actual figure is closer to half of that, making the total a whopping $ 44 billion splinter of denied funding out of an estimated $ 3.8 trillion in government outlays for 2013.
Overall, it was an amount that would take a behe-moth bite out of the Obama Regime government spending to the tune of a horrifying 1.2%.
Oh, the utter maelstrom of misery that would strike both now and repeatedly in the future which left much of the world quaking in abject terror, the President even had to shut down White House tours.
Below is Mothman Obama's dire warning of the plagues that were to come as a result of his own sequester cut idea:
Border Patrol agents will see their hours reduced. FBI agents will be furloughed. Federal prosecutors will have to close cases and let criminals go. Air traffic controllers and airport security will see cutbacks, which means more delays at airports across the country. Thousands of teachers and educators will be laid off. Tens of thousands of parents will have to scramble to find childcare for their kids. Hundreds of thousands of Americans will lose access to primary care and preventive care like flu vaccinations and cancer screenings.
But these examples of sequestered chaos were just the beginning. We have found other events associated with the sequester apocalypse and documented the effects thus far.... and they ain't pretty.....
10- US Budget Sequester Causes Holy Roman Catholic Pope to Resign
Many had speculated over the Pope's shocking and sudden resignation.
Some have indicated that it was due to some silly gay schism between factions within the Vatican, others have stated that the Pope is simply tired and in ill-health, and yet that didn't stop Dick Cheney for 30 years. So, why the sudden resignation from one of the most vaunted political leadership posts on the planet? Indeed, if we use the same type of prognostication 'cause and effect' techniques as Left-wing, brainiac economist, Paul Krugman, the answer is both easy and quite simple to divine.
The Pope, it seems clear, has resigned due to the budget sequester cuts simply because these two major events occurred only within only a few days apart in history. It's the only answer that works short of of the mythical religious associations and the obvious connectedness of these two events, which otherwise might never be completely known, short of a rarely approved visit to the Vatican's Lux in Arcana.
Yet, there is also that concerted Obama attack on the Catholic Church via birth control by the Mothman in Chief. Perhaps the Pope knew that Obama's terrible tantrum represented by the budget sequester, could be easily redirected towards the church, in a fit of papal misogyny, thereby forcing the Pope to prematurely step down in a sort of PTSD (Pope-Traumatic Stress Disorder) reaction.
9-Nascar Fence Gives Way as a result of Budget sequester Cuts, 26 Fans injured
Obama himself has stated that these US budget cuts will cause public safety to be increasingly at risk, and due to the many government agencies which had already begun laying-off well prior to the actual cuts in funding, the answer to the mystery of the racecar's flying disintegration debris becomes easy.
But how, one might ask? Elementary...
We all know that the US government owns a substantial stake in General Motors, and General Motors is the parent company for Chevrolet, and Chevroleti is the brand of team car driven by Daytona fence-mangler Kyle Larsen, who is, by the way, of Japanese ancestry. The budget sequestration cuts have already motivated Team Obama to cut high-profile jobs in the most sensitive areas possible, as must be expected.
It therefore stands to reason that GM and, by default, Chevrolet's quality would be directly affected, which is why Larsen's Chevy's race car unexpectedly disintegrated when coming into contact with the racing fence, sending misanthropic missiles careening madly into a mostly Southern Baptist Nascar fan crowd as they bitterly clinged to their guns, and religion as if there were no tomorrow.
There nearly wasn't.
The fact that America bombed both Nagasaki and Hiroshima, Japan in WW2, and the fact that Larsen's grandparents were inducted into a Japanese internment camp is but sauce for the gander. But the most bizarre fact? Larsen drove car number 32, and surely you know who the 32nd US President was?
Franklin D. Roosevelt, quasi-American Lib dictator, and the man who ordered the Japanese internments...while also paving the way for the Japanese nuclear bomb attacks. Ya just can't make this stuff up.
Oh, and by the way, car #32's lead sponsor? Special Operations for America.....
8-Sequester Cuts Cause President Obama to Lose Both Jedi and Vulcan Powers
Many the world over have been unwillingly hypnotized by President Obama's vaunted supernatural ability at Jedi mind-tricking his audience-victims into either voting for or believing in virtually anything the President requests or says. In fact, one of Obama's greatest meld-victories, second to his re-election, was his rather amazing feat in the passage of a law that would subject his constituents to both death panels and an outrageously expensive department of motor vehicle style of healthcare delivery, which to this day induces follower-victims into brief bouts of teary-eyed, hypoxianted applause.
However, in a recent press conference the President admitted that the sequestration cuts, which he both originated and signed into law, had precipitated an unexpected response. The President, in effect, admitted that his powers have apparently faded, somehow, as a result of the budget sequester cuts.
Below was the President's shocking admission:
"I should somehow do a Jedi mind-meld with these folks and convince them to do what's right." But that's not how things work"
Did not the President mean 'that's not how things work, [anymore]?' Or was Obama simply stating that his Jedi-Vulcan abilities do not work in such a fashion? Some are now speculating that Obama's admission could point to explaining the lack of a credible birth certificate.
To explain, Obama fans now indicate that the documentation might be traced to the Romulan miner destruction of the planet Vulcan, where Obama's birth certificate was vaulted in the hall of souls, in an alternative timeline. Others have insisted that the President's birth certificate was probably lost when the Sith Lord's Death Star was destroyed by Rebels while orbiting the ice planet Hoth.
But what if Mothman Obama has simply emerged from his cocoon with beguilement powers that are even more astonishing than before? "Shiver."
7-Mysterious Booms Occur in Arizona due to Obama Sequester Cuts
Terrified city dwellers in Tucson, Arizona were aroused from sleep, recently, by a series of very loud and utterly unexplainable booming noises. The noises, which have occurred in various regions across the planet, are quite disturbing but also seem to run in a distinct pattern. Indeed, the eerily ethereal booming noises cropped up shortly after the financial meltdown of 2008, say experts.
Some have propelled a theory forward that this may have something to do with aliens living among us, who are also redistibutionally supported by the US government. Indeed, the sequestration cuts zeroed in on the US military unlike any other budgetary area, and the military funds all sorts of nefarious DARPA projects. Some scientia-fictio experts indicate that military cuts may have hit these undocumented aliens particularly hard causing them to rebel in other-worldly ways.
The noises, as can be seen documented in numerous YouTube videos, begin as distant, omni-directional booming noises where homes often shake when the thunderous booming begins. To make matters much worse, the booming will, more often than not, take place at night lending a sort of nightmarish quality to the disturbing sounds.
No one knows, although many theorize, as to the reasons for these noises which range from natural explanations including natural atmospheric disturbances to Thor's making yet another Marvel Avenger movie.
However, these loud booming noises that folks keep hearing, might be nothing much more than E.T. pitching a temporal tantrum, banging on Earth's door like an outrageously bizarre, ultra-high tech , alien debt-collector.
Boom, boom, boom!
An unreal answer to be certain; however, when we all stop to think about how a man, who doesn't even know how many states the US has, came from out of nowhere, amazingly got re-elected in a horrid economy, while yet producing over $ 6 trillion in new debt and losing America's prime financial standing, and simultaneously utilizing a fake US birth certificate consisting of more layers than Nancy Pelosi's cosmetic foundation, then it all begins to make a certain sort of bizarre sense.
6- Sequester Cuts Responsible for Meteor Nearly Taking out Earth
So, many might be asking how in the world, could the sequester cuts have caused a meteor to veer into earth's atmosphere nearly taking out a section of the entire planet? To be certain, many scientists and meteorologists, who believe that climate change is not at all man-made, might have a serious problem with this theory. However, there are those other types prayerfully congregating in the low-information threshold, who might eagerly grasp onto the belief the global warming and meteor strikes belong in a related missing link type of category.
The idea of random natural earth phenomena being connected to global warming was first put forth by cerebrally noted celebrity and Hollywood actor, Danny Glover, a man who has shown a singular brilliance in slowly constructing random sentences while simultaneously voicing them.
In his initial hypothesis, it was Glover who first made the scientifically fantastic notion by stating the following after the cataclysmic Haitian earthquake:
Indeed, a wordsmith to be sure. Duly noted, now, that the initial link has been established by a voting member of the Hollywood erudite class rendering it beyond reproach, but where do the meteor strikes and sequester cuts come in? Enter the media elite and one of its better known trophy-blonde, dataticians, CNN news reader Deborah Feyerick, who first postulated to Bill Nye that an asteroid nearly entering Earth orbit has a climate change connection
Something else is falling from the sky, and that is an asteroid...uh..what..what is coming our way? Is this an effect of, perhaps, global warming
Mr. Guy, Bill Nye, was quick to respond that "the words Meteor and meterology come from the same root" and voila'! The eagle has landed and with an answer to our puzzling question. The fact that the Latin word "meteoros" as a root, which means "something in the air," could not dissuade either the science guy nor the dizzy info babe from surmisingly postulating that their next flight out of town could also be aboard a Latin described meteoros, nor did Nye correct Feyerick's alert dis-assertion.
So, now that the connection between meteors and global warming has been made, the question must next be asked: How might that work? Once again, quite simple to explain in using modern-day climate change scientist parlance, which can explain pretty much anything. You see, the earth's atmosphere has supposedly been altered to such a degree by man's constantly pumping carbon dioxide into the air that the atmosphere has become statically loaded with humongous amounts of both moisture and energy.
These two forces then combine, in effect, to alter the earth's orbit through the solar system by way of atmospheric drag, operating much like a solar sail in reverse. It's, in effect, much the same way as placing a roof-flap on a Nascar racer, to ostensibly keep the car from becoming airborne and smashing into fans, albeit, if it's installed correctly by the GM workers union members.
But how does that apply to the meteor? Simple, the atmospheric drag has altered the earth's orbit to such a degree that the earth has now swerved into an asteroid field, which is how all of this can easily be traced to the sequester cuts; by way of the closure of numerous regulatory enforcement agencies which operate to keep as many carbon dioxide producing entities and companies in a constant state of couch potato flux.
These agencies' newly sequestered inability to curb industry and keep the unemployed dozing in front of their TV's, rather easily explains the Earth's veerage into an asteroid field, by virtue of increased carbon dioxide output. The meteor didn't come to us, we came to it.
And God ain't Han Solo......
5- White Out Blizzard Hits Midwest and Capital: Experts Say Sequester Cuts to Blame
Project HAARP, a little known technology which has been in use since 1993, in conjunction with the sequester cuts limiting its use, could easily be the reason for the increase in the massive winter storms which have been plaguing the Midwest and northeast in the most recent month.
The acronym HAARP stands for High Frequency Active Aurora Research Program and it is also a Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which is funded by the US Department of Defense. In both the build-up and the wake of the sequester cuts, the Obama directed sequester essentially cutoff funding to the HAARP research project which, rumors state, can deftly alter the weather in certain regions when charged and targeted, via massive ion displacement.
Recently, the blizzards and storms that have typically raged over US history, have returned with a vengeance and the funds that have been typically sent HAARP's way might have been severely sequestered causing the storms to return. This in turn could have a boomerang effect, however, by bolstering the global warming detractors' assertions that man-made warming is a myth and temperatures are in fact, getting colder, which simply will not do. Chances are good, that in order to maximize the possibility of instating carbon tax credits, the HAARP arrays will soon be fired up yet again.
I mean, it should be quite obvious, especially when a recent congressional hearing on global warming had to be suspended due to a gigantic snowstorm enveloping DC, right? How utterly embarrassing for the climate cultists, to be sure.
Therefore, don't look for these cold temperatures to continue for much longer, in fact, if America see's temperatures rise in March and April from both January and February mean temperatures, this could be certain proof that Obama and the global warming cultists have elected to somehow resume HAARP funding.
And those HAARP induced violent storms in April will be certain to have been artificially arranged by nefarious agency controllers, in order to bolster their climate change fictions.
4- Obama Admits Losing Dictator Status as a Result of Sequester Cuts
Can terrifying Mothmen not also be dictators, or does the one automatically negate the other?
It was in the same press conference, earlier alluded to, that Obama dropped yet another bombshell which sent the Conservative media joyously running to their computers. In the assemblage, Obama stated the following to a stunned yet sill-adoring media:
"I am not a dictator; I'm the president.
Rut-Roh! Many might disagree, unless of course, Obama has also lost his near-Dictator status as a result of the sequester cuts.
However, in looking just a bit further, one might notice that Mothman Obama left the question open with a request of affirmation, at the very end, with an enigmatically questioned "Right?"
I can't have the Secret Service block the doorway, right?"
Perhaps Obama's concerted attacks on many of America's constitutional rights, you know, the right to bear arms, freedom of religion, freedom from the right of drone assassination, freedom to see to one's own medical needs, etc et al, has placed him into a sort of populist pantheon, which thereby automatically grants him the right to do pretty much anything he desires, at least with the proper affirmation from the media accompanied by a sternly worded executive order.
Time will tell...
3- NASA Warns Something Unexpected Happening with Sun: Sequester Cuts Suspected
So, what does Michelle Obama's wardrobe, coupled with the sequester cuts, have to do with the sun's halting its forecasted sunspot activity and the Romulan Empire?
You see, if the American people are given to believe that the sequester cuts have caused even public White House tours which are conducted by volunteers to be suspended, this despite the fact that the 2013 cuts in the budget leave the federal government, still, with more funding than in 2012, then we would submit that virtually any explanation, however implausible, should be just as convincing.
However, our hypothesis of sequestration-cut chaos should be far more appealing and perhaps even just a bit more realistic than the White House version. So how are these undeniably fantastic things related? Well, It goes all the way back to the 2012 inauguration of Obama and the First Lady's choice of an inagurative dress. You see, when Michelle Obama picked out her dress, it wasn't just any dress, but rather her choice of attire was an off-the-rack extra-galactic copy of a very powerful, and very jealous female Romulan leader's dress whose name is Commander Donatra.
When Romulan agents initially picked up on the fact that Michelle had mooched the very territorial Romulan's attire, not to mention her hair style, all bets were off, as to what diabolical scheme might be hatched against planet Earth for the Obama's horrid transgression.
But only several days after the sequester cuts kicking in, NASA has released a warning that the sun's solar activity appears to have slowed down remarkably, to the point of not at all falling within the sun's normal solar cycle activity range. So, the big question is, were the supposedly fictitious, but technological super-weight Romulans involved in the sun waning activity by virtue of either a red matter reactive probe or some planet-killing trilithium device?
Fantastic to be sure, and yet, no more so than any of the explanations provided by the Mothman Regime during the Benghazi congressional hearings. And, our out-of-this world hypothesis is so much more entertaining to the low-information types, than Hillary Clinton's concussive explanations in her Benghazi testimony.
2-Budgetary Expert Rep. Maxine Waters Declares US to Lose All of its Jobs and then some Due to Budget Sequester cuts
Like a gaff prone banshee shrieking her terrifying cry from the urban wilderness, Congresswoman Maxine Waters can always be depended upon to screech something both outrageously funny and insufferably stupid at the same time.
But this time, Waters outdid even herself, while causing many sparsely knowledgeable low-information types to moan in concerted despair, by telling an already disturbed America how many jobs it was fixing to lose as a result of the looming spending cuts.
In her diatribe with regard to the sequestration plagues, Congresswoman Waters efforted her best emulation of Mothman Obama, in effect becoming a female Mothman version, or Mothra, I suppose, by stating this:
“We don’t need to be having something like sequestration that’s going to cause these job losses — over 170 million jobs that could be lost
Startling to be sure, especially when we stop to consider that the US currently holds about 150 million jobs. But, while holding at bay the fact that Congresswoman Waters also thinks an American flag is planted on Mars, along with a Moonrover buggy, which American argonauts left there, we may yet be some semblance of truth to the Congresswoman's assertions, at least for the long run.
In fact, we already know that since Obama's inaugurpationary ascendance, the US has lost about 8.5 million jobs. If we, in fact, were to extrapolate these 8.5 million job losses while figuring in the fact that the US currently holds about 150 million jobs; then at a standing loss rate of 8.5 million jobs over 5 years, America would lose virtually all of its jobs and then some by the year 2033 equaling out to a stunning 170 million jobs.
1-Florida Man Missing after being Swallowed up by Sinkhole: Budget Sequester Cuts Suspected
In a story designed specifically for both the Mothman Chronicles and the X-files, was the news item which came surging out of Florida and right in the thick of the sequestration cuts insanity. The story was about a sleeping man who was documented as having been dragged down to his apparent death, in the middle of the night no less, by a powerful sinkhole which opened up directly underneath his bed, and sucked him into his grave.
Even more bizarre was the fact that the rest of the home and structure were largely unaffected at the time of the murderous sinkhole's opening along with the fact that the unfortunate man's body has never been found.
But the most bizarre aspect? Seffner Florida is only about three counties away from Palm City, Florida which is where Mothman Obama took his "Sole" Florida golf vacation only a few days earlier. So, was the Mothman also lurking around this tragedy, as well? It was the sequester cuts that had ostensibly driven Obama to take a lone vacation away from the clamor that was unfolding within the inner-beltway.
The incessant plot thickens even further when we note that the unfortunate man who was mysteriously dragged down into the earth had a last name which has been known to set Mothman Obama off into unsightly peels of rage, blame and name-calling.
You see, the unfortunate man's last name was "Bush."