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The Mars Retrograde of 2014: Part I - I'm Feeling Totally UN-Stoked, Dudes!

The Red Planet is a bit more steamed than usual these days, due to going in Retrograde motion.
The Red Planet is a bit more steamed than usual these days, due to going in Retrograde motion.

The Mars Retrograde of 2014
Part I – I’m Feeling Totally UN-stoked, Dudes!

By: Brad Kronen

Meet Cheri! Cheri is an Aries!

Besides being born beneath the astrological spitfire sign of the Ram, Cheri is also a loving wife and doting mother of 3 amazing kids ages 12, 8, & 4! It could also be stated that Cheri works full time as a dental hygienist and volunteers 6-8 hours a week at her local homeless shelter; but for the purpose of our story, knowing her sign is more than enough.

If you looked up the word “busy” in any given virtual reference dictionary, up would come a 3D rotating replica of our Aries friend. Cheri is upbeat and super busy throughout the calendar year, but in the company of others she has been heard to exclaim that Christmas and her birthday are her favorite times of year. The Holidays are when Cheri is at her busiest, which that aspect alone makes her one of the biggest enthusiasts of the “most wonderful time of the year”, and Cheri believes her birthday is a time for everyone to partake in the celebratory fun, not just herself.


It wasn’t that Cheri wasn’t her usual Tazmanian Devil of Christmas activities and Yuletide cheer during the most recent holiday season; as a matter of fact, she out did herself in 2013 if that’s possible to comprehend for those of us born beneath signs that aren’t naturally bursting into flames. It’s just that, for some strangely odd reason, Cheri wasn’t her usual bursting with excitement, action oriented, Fire signed self during last year’s Holiday Festivities.

And now, as her end of March birthday approaches, Cheri is experiencing the same thing again……only much, much more intensely.

What is our Aries friend to do or think?

Welcome to Mars Retrograde, Everybody!

For starters, allow me to clarify things first by announcing,


All dude varieties of Leo, Sagittarius, and Aries - Don’t even think the content of this article is for chicks only. This Mars stuff applies not just to all Fire Signs, but to every resident of the Zodiac, even MORE so for the Male species of any given sign (The symbol for a dude is the same symbol for, you guessed it, the planet where women say you guys came from)!

But I digress and by now have probably lost ¾ of those born under the element that tends to have the attention span of a large insect. Moving on to Mars.


In Astrology, each planet of the Solar System oversees various aspects of human behavior, as well as particular physicalities of the human body. The Red Planet Mars rules over all of a person’s physical “drives”, along with our most basic physical and instinctual actions as well.

Mars astrologically governs over our motions, our body temperatures, how energetic we are, how hungry we get and how often, how fast we are, how athletic we are, how clumsy we are. It is the most “masculine” of planets and therefore Mars rules how aggressive we are, how angry we can get, as well as gauges our sexual appetite.

Of all the planets, Mars correlates to our physical bodies the most.


Retrograde Motion the actual or apparent motion of a heavenly body in a direction that is opposite to that of the motions of most members of the Solar System

Now, just because the planet which oversees all of our drives and actions is going retrograde does NOT mean we’ll all be moving in backwards motion while sounding like incomprehensible goat bleating, due to everyone speaking in reverse.

Despite the use of the astronomical term of Retrograde Motion, the Red Planet will not be going in planetary reverse, it will only appear to be going backwards.

This is due to our own Big Blue Marble hauling planetary ass by putting Earth’s pedal to the metal and leaving Mars in the planetary dust!

Sorry, with the Dude Planet going backwards and all, some hyper-macho talk was bound to leak its way out.

Mars is the first planet located outside of the orbital path of planet Earth. Whereas the Earth takes 1 year, or 365 days to fully orbit around the Sun, the Red Planet takes 1.9 years or 686 Earth days to complete its planetary trek around the center of our Solar System.

Because this planet’s orbit is shorter and faster than our outer-orbital next door neighbor’s, there will be choice times when the Earth will catch up with Mars and pass on by. From our perspective the Red Planet appears to be going in backwards motion, but in astronomical actuality, the Earth is zooming past Mars’ slower moving, lame planetary ass!

That is the last outburst of dude-like aggression, I promise.

Mars Retrogrades do not occur often, and unlike a planet whose retrograde cycles are more frequent, such as Mercury, they tend to be quite lengthy.

The current Mars Retrograde of 2014 takes place from March 1st all the way through to May 19th.

When Mars goes into retrograde motion, everyone, regardless of sign, is not at the height of their usual energies. People tend to tire easier than usual during these cycles, as well as sleep more. Our immune systems are not at their highest level of vigilance during this period, and during a Mars Retrograde we are more prone to getting sick as well as picking up infections easily.

Wash and disinfect your and your children’s hands double time these days!

Another MAJOR factor during a Mars Retrograde is people’s reflexes are not their sharpest during this period. Activities such as driving one's car and cycling should be done with even more care at this time, and people should move about with even more driver’s offensive than usual, due to other’s not paying attention or being slow with their brakes.

The GOOD side to a Mars Retrograde is people's levels of aggression and anger drop during this time, so there tends to be a lower number of accidents, fights, and arrests during this period especially when Mars ruled influences like road rage are involved.

Ladies, for the rest of the winter and most of the spring, don’t worry about giving a response of having the Mars malady of a headache if that was one of your favorite defense moves. Along with human sexual drive, men’s testosterone levels tend to drop during a Mars Retrograde as well.


Of all the residents of the Zodiac, the Fire Signs, namely Leo, Sagittarius, and most especially the Mars ruled sign of Aries are the most affected by a Mars Retrograde. The Fire Signs are “action oriented”. Being joined in the element of Fire, they function best whenever they are in the process of “DOING”. Because of their need for action, during a normal astrological climate the Fire signs are always encouraged to be busy doing something and to have their bodies stay physically active, regardless of age or gender. When a Fire sign feels they have nothing to do, those in their immediate vicinity are made more than fully aware....again and again, of their state of non-action until it's rectified.

After all that, you'd think every Fire sign should be hooked up to an ICU with an ER team standing by CODE BLUE STAT! from now until mid May, but actually, Mars Retrogrades are extremely vital for our flaming friends. It’s the best way the Universe has of letting the Fire Signed Family of Flame know to SIT FREAKING STILL AND SHUT UP!

During a Mars Retrograde, it’s not just OK, but actually a good thing for a Fire sign and the rest of us to want to do, well, nothing!

Part II shall discuss in much greater detail the necessity of non-action for not just the Fire signs, but for the rest of us, regardless of sign during a Mars Retrograde. Even more importantly, the next installment of this series will cite through such famous examples as Philip Seymour Hoffman, Heath Ledger, and Whitney Houston what hazards could potentially befall a Fire Sign's health should they disregard that astrological rule of thumb.

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