So you have found yourself involved with a married man and perhaps you are wondering just WTF you are doing? Maybe you oscillate back and forth between telling yourself he loves you and will leave “her” and feeling hopeless that you will always be stuck sharing a man with someone else. Whatever state you may find yourself in today one this is for certain; you are hardly alone. Upwards of 40-60% of married people will cheat at some point in their marriage and this number is quite likely on the conservative side when you take into account that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce.
Lisa and I remain steadfast in not broaching the topic of morality when it comes to cheating. My stance simply is that I have no place to judge another just because they choose to “sin” differently than I do. Furthermore the topic of morality is played out. Whether right or wrong IT HAPPENS and it will continue to happen.
As someone who has coached/read for all angles of infidelity I have a unique perspective on this topic. For my clients who find themselves attached to a married man the issue for me becomes assisting them in understanding the dynamic of their situation and to dispel common myths that can cloud their judgment and perceptions. When we get rid of the bullshit fantasy that we often sell ourselves (and hey they are selling the myths in books too, it’s not entirely your fault!) and see things clearly we are better able to maintain a sense of balance in a situation that often times is as unbalanced as they get.
Let’s take a look at some of the common myths and throw in some true regarding the topic of deception.
Myth: You Are a Girlfriend
Truth: You Are a Mistress
Why is this particular point number one on my list? Simply put when you perceive yourself as his girlfriend you then expect, on some level, that he should act like a boyfriend and hunny, that isn’t going to happen. On average he cannot drop everything and meet you at the hospital when one of your kids falls sick. He cannot help you pack boxes and load the moving truck. He cannot bring you soup when you are sick or stand by your bedside to replace the washcloth keeping your fever down.
The relationship with a married man very much is on his time line. When he has the ability to steal a few moments, undetected, you get to see him. When he has family obligations or the risk of seeing you is too great then you don’t.
This is a very hard thing for many mistresses to get on board with because they perceive themselves as the girlfriend. Sometimes the married man will even promote this line of thinking by encouraging you to see yourself in this way. Make no mistake-this is for HIS benefit. If you see yourself as a girlfriend you are not likely to go out and start dating someone who is available to give you a full relationship. You are not likely to turn him down when he can see you. You will be the ever dutiful girlfriend while he is the ever dutiful husband…to his wife.
It’s important to understand what your role is and what it isn’t. When you get this straight you can alleviate much of the drama that unfolds in a connection with a married man. You begin to understand that you are still free to roam and see what the universe has to share with you. You no longer expect him to bring you flowers and court you as a boyfriend would because you understand he isn’t your man.
Myth: You Love Him
Truth: You Love Half of Him
The man that you get when you are involved with a married man is the portion of himself that is fun loving, free and adventurous; basically the version of him that his wife got before things like kids, bills, responsibilities and the like entered the picture. You see the passionate side of him, the one who basks in the afterglow of an amazing shag. You do not see the man who gets stressed when the house is a mess when he comes home after a long day’s work. You do not get the man who leaves his socks all over the place and watches TV as you toss and turn trying to fall asleep. There are two versions (and sometimes more if you are involved with a real winner) of the married man. The version that you get and the version that his wife gets. Due to the fact that he and his wife spend each day together and encounter all of life’s ups and downs together rest assured she gets the full man; the good, bad and ugly. You get half the man. This means that your emotionality is predicated on the half you see, not the half you do not see. Why is this relevant? Because to truly love someone you must know them from top, bottom, front to back and side to side. If you are only able to share a fraction of your lives together you cannot possibly know how he is in other real life scenarios. For all you know he may get violently aggressive when his wife fails to cook the steak properly or jabs her with the fork for talking with food in her mouth. You simply DO NOT KNOW because it’s a version of him you are not exposed to. I’m not saying you do not love the version of him that you are exposed to but that is still only half (if that) of who the man is as a whole. Ask yourself and answer honestly whether you can truly love a man that you barely know. I understand that you feel you know him because nothing is more profound then the ramblings of a man post ejaculation but let’s get real-do not mistake pillow talk for anything other than what it is.
Understanding this point is quite important so that you do not end up using your “love” for him as a means of justifying self-destructive behavior.
Myth: He is Going to Leave Her
Truth: Your Odds of Winning the Lotto Are Higher
Let me give you a few numbers and if you are a math whiz you can run them. I have been working in the field of Intuitive Tarot Coaching for the past 15 years or so. Consistently during those years my client base has been roughly 85-90% comprised of those who are involved with a married man or are the wives dealing with their husbands’ infidelity. Pretty staggering numbers, right? Would you like to know the number of men who eventually left their wives and settled down with their mistress? ONE. Uno. That is it. So when I state something as definitive as you are better off playing the lotto then holding your breath expecting him to leave his wife it empirically proven.
It could be that he stays because of money. He may not want to the be the bad guy. He may stay because of the kids or any other generic excuse but the fact is he stays. And even more true is that it’s important to understand that his connection with you makes it easier for him to stay with her. You provide him with that zest for life, that little ego boost and passion that perhaps he feels he is missing in his marriage. It makes going back home to deal with the responsibility of his wife, kids and 401K all the easier.
If you stay with him do so because you understand that you fulfill a role and it’s not that of wife in training.
Accepting this and the other truths I’ve laid out here today are not designed to dissuade you; you are going to do what you are going to do. Lisa and I share a goal of helping you to be truthful with yourself as a means of keeping your sanity and not getting lost in the sea of delusion that is sometimes quite rampant in an affair. Let’s be frank-unless you are someone who is looking for just a good time you did not seek out a married man thinking of what a joy this will be. It’s something that you fell into. Rather than torturing yourself with self-delusion, having a clear head about what this situation is and what it is not will help you immensely as you navigate these waters. When you accept a person and a situation for exactly what it is and shed the excuses, myths etc. then you are given the ultimately power: to decide whether or not its suitable for you.